What Chance Do We Stand?

I would like to tell all of you a story. I tell stories. It is both a gift and a burden. I suppose that there have been multiple times in my life when I have told stories in order to understand this life just a little bit better. Two stories come to mind. The first one was at a wedding, and that’s where I’ll start. I was the best man to my friend, Andy Williams. I stood up and tapped my fork against my glass.

“Good afternoon,” I said. I’ve always been one for simplicity. “I am honored to be up here in front of you all. If I haven’t introduced myself yet, my name is Robert. Andy and I have been friends for many years. I’d like to tell you the story of how he met Beth. I’ll never forget how he fell in love with her almost immediately. He told me he couldn’t get her out of his head, and he wanted to ask her out so badly. ‘I’m gonna do it, Rob,’ he’d say. ‘I just gotta do it on my time.’ For a guy with a lot of confidence, he was too nervous to ask out his future wife.” The crowd laughed a little, and then I continued.

“I was just a few feet away when he finally asked her out. He almost didn’t. I saw him start to walk away, and my heart sank, but then he turned around. ‘By the way,’ he said, ‘do you want to go out sometime?’ When she said yes, he suggested going to see a movie. He was so incredibly happy.

“The only problem was that she suggested they see a movie that didn’t come out until almost six months later. You all should have seen how anxious he was when I jokingly pointed this out to him.”

The audience laughed again. As his best man, I made sure to embarrass Andy. I knew he didn’t mind; he always had such a joyous sense of humor. I apologize for getting off track. Where was I again? Oh yes, that’s right.

“Andy was terrified that he’d been rejected in the most creative way possible, but as we all know, that wasn’t the case. When he asked her about it, Beth hadn’t realized her mistake until earlier that day. They got everything sorted out and went to see a different movie just a few days later.”

“For months, I watched them grow together. I watched them love each other with all their hearts. And finally, I watched them see that movie together when it eventually came out. I knew then and there that they would be together until God takes them home, and maybe even after that. Andy, Beth, I wish you years of happiness. I pray for decades of love. And most of all, I hope you never forget that we’ve all rooted for you since the beginning. To Andy and Beth!”

I raised my glass, and the audience clapped. I will never forget that wedding. Those two spent so much time loving each other that we just knew they were meant to be. When you thought of the perfect couple, it was them. They were so happy together.

The second story I told was less than a year later. It wasn’t as festive a day. We were dressed in all black. I remember looking out at the crowd from the podium and seeing ghostly faces, dampened by the salted kiss of tears. These faces, pale from grief, were darker than the clothes that accompanied them.

“Let me tell you a story,” I said to the crowd. The grief was more palpable than any hand could have been, with how it choked me so. I had barely started and was already fighting back tears, but I did my best to continue.

“The last time I saw Andy, I wish I had known. There’s so much I would have said, so much I would have done. We were on our way back from having dinner together. He was quiet, but then again, he usually was when he wasn’t joking around. I parked the car in front of his house and told him I’d see him same time next week.

“Before he got out of the car, he handed me an envelope. ‘Don’t open it until I say to. It’s for a game,’ he told me with a smile. I realize now that it was a forced, crooked smile. I thought it was for D&D, but I couldn’t have been more wrong. I saw him standing in his driveway as I drove away. Foolishly, I didn’t open the envelope. At least, I didn’t until I got the call. This is what the letter said: ‘Dear Rob…’”

I started choking up again. I was on the verge of sobbing in front of the crowd. As I looked out, I knew I wouldn’t be the only one. I tried once more to read the only message Andy left behind.

“ 'Dear Rob,’ ” I started. “ ‘I’m sorry that I lied to you, but I didn’t want you to worry. I left the letter with you because I know you’ll make the best choice as to whether it should be shared or not. I’m doing this because everything hurts. I’m always in pain for some reason, and nothing helps. I don’t feel safe talking to anyone. I just lie and smile through everything. I’m a liar, Rob. I hate myself for it, and for so many other reasons. I’ll never amount to anything. No matter what I do, I’m going to fail because I’m so useless. I think everyone hates me deep down. I’m nothing but an annoyance. Beth can do so much better than me, and I know she’s going to figure that out someday. I’m so sorry, Beth. I love you so much, and it’s not your fault. I just feel so hurt and alone. I’m tired of being here. I just want it to end. I’m so sorry. I just want it all to end. I can’t take the hurt anymore. I’m so sorry. Andy.’ ”

I stopped speaking after that. My friend killed himself, and all I could do was cry. When I look back now, I can connect the dots. I only wish I had connected them sooner. Andy was depressed for most of the time I had known him, and yet I failed to understand what was really going on inside him.

So why tell you this? Why tell you the tragic story of my sad friend? I tell you because we are doomed. We don’t stand a chance if someone like Andy took his own life. He seemed so happy and cheerful, yet there was so much pain and guilt he harbored. He had so many people who loved him, but no one noticed his burden. I am guilty of this. Even with a loving wife and caring friends, he was doomed to live a life of inner torment that not one person could truly see. So I ask, what chance do we stand?

Anyone could be suffering—just look around. Someone who hurts just wants to be found. All it takes is holding their hand and a hug. Just some love will work much better than a drug. You’ve heard this rhyme, so know it well: We all have some hurt, ever since Adam fell. In closing my poem, my words are true. Do I believe there is hope? Yes, indeed I do.