~Traveling~

~Traveling~

Debbie put her darling SUV, Miss Interceptor, on cruise control and held up her right hand. “We are exactly half way there …right… Now!”

           Shewuma took her right foot off of the dashboard and turned in the passenger seat to pose a question. “Why do you always get to drive? Sometimes somebody else might want to.”

           “A year, 1 month and 2 days ago, you didn’t even know how to drive,” Debbie answered flatly.

           “Well I do now. So I ask again, why do you always get to drive?”

           “Because it’s my truck.”

           “Then next time we go on a trip, we’ll take my Trans Am and I’ll drive.”

           “Good luck with that.” Said Jim from the bucket seat behind her. “I’ve been with her since we were kids and I’ve only driven once.”

           “She let you drive. I’m surprised. What was the occasion?” David E. asked from the bucket seat next to him.

           “When we went to the Desert to find the Crystal Skulls and kill Lucy Lange. I drove while she and Malachi did their hocus pocus.”

           “Jim.” Shewuma looked around the seat at him. “Stay on point.” She narrowed her focus on Debbie. “I’m serious. I think we should vote or draw straws or something. It’s not fair that you just decide who drives. I normally put up with this Comista of Earth crap, but this is different...Well?”

           “Life’s a bitch and then you die.” Debbie said with a hint of a smile.

           Wu turned backwards in the seat on her knees looking between Jimmy and David E. for support.

           Jimmy was no help saying, “I’m like Bennet, I ain’t in it. She’s supposed to be Mankind’s new destiny? Let her drive.” David E. just shrugged.

           “Destiny my ass,” mumbled Shewuma as she sat back down and planted her foot back up on the dashboard.

           Debbie glanced over at the short dress riding up, exposing Wu’s panties and commented, “As much as I enjoy the view, decorum Wu.”

           “If you get to drive, then I get to flash.”

           Jimmy leaned up looking over the seat. “Hey Wu. Put in the Veronica Swift CD.”

           “We don’t have a Veronica Swift CD,” said Debbie.

           Jim countered, “Yes we do. I got it last month.”

           “How? I would know.”

           “Surprise Debs. I actually went to a store and bought it in person with money. What do you have against her singing? Did you know she has perfect pitch and plays the trumpet?”

           “Yes I do know. Her singing is fine. I don’t care for her outfits and flaunting on stage.”

           “Wait a minute. Look at how Elvira dresses and acts on stage and you love her. Reconcile that. I think your being a little too Comista of Earth here, with some I’m all that thrown in.”

           Wu added, “See? That’s what I’ve been saying.” Jimmy, Wu and David E. all waited for the avalanche of redress that was sure to follow.

           Debbie pondered for a few seconds and surprised them with, “I see your point. Play it Wu. I’ll give her another shot.”

           Jimmy was a bit shocked. “I won an argument with you?”

           Wu said, “She let you win. She’s being nice because she feels guilty about not letting me drive.”

           “Not Hardly.” Debbie answered. “I think your cranky because your horny. Jimmy and I will take care of that when we get to the Reservation.”

           Wu purred, “You have my attention. Tell me more.”

            “Whoa, whoa!” exclaimed David E. “I’m too old and too straight to be hearing about you three and your kinky sex life.”

           Jimmy chimed in. “It’s not kinky. Were married.”

           “And three people married is whole other legal issue.”

           “You said hole,” Debbie pointed out.

           Jimmy and Wu laughed while, hoping to move on, David E. made a suggestion. “Let’s play the game and I have the first one.”

           Jimmy and Debbie were in. Wu reluctantly said, “Okay, I guess. But this driving thing isn’t over by a long shot, Debbie.”

           “Here’s my question. If you could have lunch with anyone from history, who would it be? Debbie, would you like to go first since you’re the driver?”

           “Ha, ha. Funny David E.” said Wu. “But I already know she’ll say Jesus Christ.”

           To Jimmy’s surprise as well, Debbie responded, “Actually no. Enoch had dinner with Jesus many times. His memories I carry are just like being there with Jesus myself.”

           “What was he like?” asked Jimmy.

           “Probably not what you would expect from reading the Bible. He was quite charming and funny.”

           Anxious to say her pick, Wu pressed, “Well who then Dibs?”

           “Grimsanchis,” Debbie said to no reactions. “You know, the Erran that invented the code to organically program the Quartz Crystal Computers.”

           Wu snorted “You’ve become such a nerd Dibs.”

           “An extremely hot nerd,” added Jimmy.

           “Touché.” Agreed Wu. “So my guy is Genghis Khan.”

           “He was kind of a bad guy wasn’t he? He killed millions of people.” David E. argued.

           “I don’t think bad is the word?” said Wu. “He was ruthless in warfare, especially if you crossed him, and he was a gifted military innovator. No surprise those traits racked up an unprecedented body count. But to those loyal to him, he was quite generous.”

           Debbie added, “He created trade routes between Europe and Asia and established a codified legal system throughout his empire for which he never gets any credit.”

           “He also took care of the families of his men that fell in battle.” Said Jimmy.

           “See?” Said Wu.

           “I’ll have to do some reading on him,” said David E. “My pick is Ben Franklin. Scientist, inventor, writer, politician, businessman. He drafted the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence and is the only Founding Father to sign all three documents that freed America from Britain.”

           Debbie stated further, “Most people don’t know that Ben Franklin became an outspoken abolitionist later in life and freed his own slaves. He needed Keto though. In pictures he looks like a heart attack waiting to happen. Who’s your pick Jimsy, like I don’t know.”

           “Vanessa Williams.”

           “And I was right." Said Debbie.

           Shewuma groaned, “Come on Jim.”

           David E. intervened. “Hey girls, Vanessa Williams is quite an accomplished business woman, singer, actor, first Black Miss America.”

           “He was a kid when she won and then turned up naked in a magazine. He’s been obsessed with her ever since.” Debbie replied.

           “I’m not obsessed with her. Why do you always say that?”

           “How many posters do you own?”

           “Two.”

           “What are they?”

           “I have a poster of all the major guitar chords and their variations.”

           “Come on. What’s the other one?”

           Defiantly he said, “Vanessa Williams.”

           Wu laughed. “Yes, you are most certainly obsessed. Pick someone else Jim.” He seemed annoyed. “For me and Debbie. Okay?”

           “Then I pick Joan of Arc.”

           “His other obsession.” Said Debbie.

           “At least I picked someone we’ve heard of and not some obscure alien flunky.”

           “What the hell did you call him?”

           “Alright, alright,” Interrupted Wu. “Let’s change the game. Your favorite joke. David E. you go.”

           David E. thought for a moment. “You guys won’t like it. It’s a Catholic thing.” They all insisted he tell it. “Okay. A Catholic Priest was giving a group tour of the Vatican’s lower vaults. The people were astounded as he pointed out row after row of priceless relics, artifacts, and treasures. One man presented a question: So much was just being stored away, why doesn’t the Church sell a tiny portion and use the proceeds to help the needy? In disbelief the Priest answered dismissively, Fuck you!”

           Jimmy and Wu were floored. Wu shook her head while Jimmy said, “Damn David E.”

           “I told you. You have to be Catholic to appreciate it.” Then Debbie burst out laughing and he added, “Or have Alien DNA apparently. Here’s another one. In school, the Nun asks her class what they want to be when they grow up. Little Mary replies, A prostitute. A what? Demands the Nun, making the sign of the Cross. A prostitute, repeats Mary. Thank god. I thought you said Protestant.”

           Jimmy said, “I didn’t know you were Catholic. We’ll talk about that later. Wu, you go before we get struck by lightning.”

           “I’m doing two Knock-knock jokes. Knock-knock?” (“Who’s there?” asked David E.) “WAH” (“Wahoo?”) “YIPPIE! I made that up myself.” To mixed reactions she told the next one. “I need to set this up first. It always makes me laugh out loud. In a movie, Tom Hanks is playing this real serious, sour-puss kind of guy. His partners are ragging on him because he never laughs or tells jokes. He says, you want to hear a joke? I got one for you. Knock-knock. (“Who’s there”) “Go fuck yourself.” Wu laughed so hard she barely got the words out.

           Everyone else was more amused by her laughing than the joke itself. Jimmy said, “Time for a real joke. A Trucker in a semi sees someone in distress and pulls off the road. The man is naked and hog tied on his knees all bent over. What happened to you, asked the trucker? A car ran me off the road. Two men dragged me back in the woods, took my money and clothes, beat me and left me like this. I’ve spent the last 2 hours crawling out here using my knees and forehead.” The trucker pulled down his zipper and said, “Buddy, this just ain’t your day.”

           They couldn’t help laughing. Debbie and Wu looked at each other and said in unison, “Not rude, not crude, just nasty.”

           “Debbie, you’re up.” Said Jim.

           “I have two. A photon walks into a hotel. The desk clerk says, do you need help with your luggage? The photon says, No thanks, I’m traveling light.” They all chuckled as she went into the next one. “A neutron walks into a bar and asks, How much for a beer? The bartender says, For you, no charge.”

           Jimmy and David E. laughed, but Shewuma said, “Don’t you have a joke that’s not nerdy?”

           “Sure Wu. A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog vendor and says, Make me one with everything.”

           Wu laughed, but David E. looked stumped. “I don’t get it.”

           “Think about it David E.,” said Debbie.

           Jimmy said, “What’s your favorite song Debs?”

           Debbie responded, “I’m torn between, Led Zeppelin, Ramble On and The Immigrant Song ?”

           “I’m not surprised, you and your Classic Rock. But you have to pick one.”

           “No I don’t.”

           “No she doesn’t,” echoed Wu.

           “Alright then. The Comista of Earth has spoken. How about yours David E.? I’m guessing a little Frank.” Asked Jimmy.

           Without hesitation David E. picked, “The Waters of March by Eliane Elias.”

           “Ahh. Eliane Elias. I should have known.”

           Debbie went to Wu. “What yours Sweety?”

           “I have a tie. Two By Ella Fitzgerald. Love for Sale and Miss Otis Regrets.”

           “Another double. Jim your next. And I think I know what it is,” Said Debbie.

           “Allman Brothers, In Memory of Elizabeth Reed.”

           Wu piped up, “That doesn’t have any lyrics. How can your favorite song not have lyrics?”

           “Are you kidding. Your two songs are about a hooker and a woman who murders her husband.”

           David E. began to laugh out loud. “What the hell is so funny about my song picks, David E.?”

           “No, I just got Debbie’s joke about the Buddhist.”

           Leaning over the front seat, Wu went into full tickle mode on Jimmy’s ribs. Trying to fend her off, he turned to face David E. and could barely get out the words, “Explain it to me David E.”

           The road had opened up so Debbie down shifted and punched it, throwing Wu over and into Jimmy's lap. Jimmy and Shewuma’s tickle fest was interrupted by the intensity of Debbie’s voice. “Guys. I think we have trouble. All 4 peered through the windshield at the northern sky as a dot heading toward them grew larger.

           “It’s just a chopper Debs.” Said Jimmy.

           Shewuma went for her bow and quiver. “What’s up Dibs? Trouble?”

           Debbie pulled the van over. “They’re hailing me on an emergency government frequency. I’m checking their computer. No missiles are armed.”

           Wu opened the side door and jumped out nocking an arrow. Jimmy followed her saying, “There are two in the front. I don’t see anyone manning the 50 cal.” Then put one in the chamber of his .45.

           Debbie came around the front of the truck. “Guys. They’re from the USSF. Here to see David E.” The three stood protectively in front of David E. as the passing traffic slowed down to ogle the odd scene of a chopper landing in a whirlwind next to the freeway.

           Two Black-Ops soldiers approached them warily, hands on their holstered weapons. “Were here to see the Command Sergeant Major.” He held out a piece of folded paper. David E. went for it but Jimmy’s hand to his chest stopped him.

           “I’ll take that,” said Debbie. She read the hand written note and handed it to David E. Telepathically she said to all three. “This seems on the up-and-up. It’s a message from Wisty. But stay frosty. I don’t trust them or her.”

           Wu responded silently, “You getting any bad vibes?”

           “No. Nothing.”

           “I got this,” said Jim. With blurred precision he immobilized the pilot with a full nelson. The partner was pulling his pistol when Debbie put him down with a purposely gentle but effective spinning kick to the head. She took his gun and put one foot on the back of his neck telling him, “Now you be still.”

            Jimmy tightened up, eliciting a groan from his captive. “I’m going to ask you a question and this beautiful young lady is an empath. If you lie, she will know. Understand?” The man nodded yes frantically. Wu touched his neck while Jimmy asked, “What’s your mission here?”

           “We were to deliver this message to David E. Major and bring him back to the Cave if he were amenable.”

           “The Cave?” Jim asked.

           David E. explained. “It’s what we call the underground facility outside of Philly.”

           “What’s the word Wu?”

           “He’s not lying Jim. And he’s scared shitless.”

           Debbie backed up and the soldier got up gingerly. Jimmy released his man and disarmed him as he pushed him away. They both unloaded the service revolvers and returned them. “What’s the note say David E.?”

           “Wisty. She says she may lose the baby. Wants me to come right away. I need to go. What do you guys think?”

           Jim said, “You got to go man.”

           “Bullshit!” Interrupted Wu. “This stinks to high heaven. You can’t trust her and we don’t even know if it’s her note.”

           He looked at Debbie. “David E., you have to do what you feel is right. That is her handwriting.”

           “Yeah,” David E. whispered pensively. Then repeated, “Yeah, it’s hers.” What else could he do? “I’m going.” Wu reacted heavily. “I have no choice Wu.”

           Debbie told him telepathically, “I’m going to stay locked on to you for a while. Anything smells fishy, just holler and we’ll come running.”

           “Thanks Deb.” He kissed her cheek and gave a reassuring hug to Shewuma.

           Shewuma pointed her finger at the soldiers and spoke harshly. “Anything happens to this man and I will hunt you two down. Understand?”

           “Yes Ma’am,” they both answered.

           From the back of the chopper, David E. watched as his three companions grew smaller and then disappeared in the distance. The copilot answered his headset. “10-4. We have The Command Sergeant Major and we're enroute.” After a pause he said. “Repeat that?... Copy.” David E. saw the man turning in his seat and heard the words, “Sorry buddy,” before blacking out.