Reborn

“Tate! It’s time for school! Mom calls up from downstairs.

I roll over in bed and wipe my eyes. I went to a party with my friends last night and I didn’t get home until 4:00am, or for better reference, three hours ago. I’m only 16, but I’ve found that as long as I sneak out the bathroom window, neither of my parents will hear me leave.

I wince, reaching my hand up to hold my forehead in my palm, it’s pounding. I know I should really stop drinking Moscato. My girlfriends all drink vodka lime soda, but as far as I’m concerned, those taste like shit.

I can hear the sound of the birds singing outside; tweets, chirps and whistles fill the fresh air with happiness— at any other time of day.

At 7:00am, it’s just irritating.

The air smells like freshly mown grass and water from the evening shower, it was raining as I was walking home from the party. I didn’t mind though, we had thunder storms overnight so the rain was warm and it’s the middle of August. I love the smell of rain, but when I was younger, I thought I was just smelling worms. I laid with my eyes closed and thought about the coyotes that howled as the freight train blew through our small little town last night. I saw the full moon casting a bright glow over the corn fields. I love the moon, the night, the storms. You know what? I change my mind about the birds, they can sing, they can sing all day long if they want to. I am so lucky to be alive.

“Tate!” My mom called again in a slightly angrier voice. Time to go.

I open my eyes, but everything is black. I blink three times, everything stayed black. I’m starting to panic now. I can’t see! I got up and stumbled my way to the bathroom, feeling my surroundings as I walked there. I splash water on my face, everything is still black.

“AHHHH!”

My mom came running up the stairs, “What is it, baby? Are you okay?”

“Mom,” I’m crying now, “Mom, I can’t see. Every-everything is black!”

“What do you mean?” She asked me with a concerned tone of voice.

Not exactly something you want to repeat.

“What do you mean what do I mean,” she must hear the anger in my voice, “I’m scared. I CAN’T SEE! I can’t see the sun, I can’t see the birds, I can’t see the corn fields and I can’t see the fucking moon!”

I fall to the ground, my face in my hands. This is horrible. My mom calls to my dad, in seconds he’s in my room. His hand is on my back while my mom is calling the doctor. She has our doctor on speed dial because my little brother was born with a disease, I call it, Stupiditis. He’s broken 12 bones since birth and he’s only nine.

“Doctor Robins. No, it’s not Marcus, it’s Tate. I don’t know, we’re scared. She can’t see,” she pauses and looks to me, “Last night, Tate, could you see anything before you went to bed?” I answered yes, she goes back to the phone, “It started this morning, she-she just woke up and-and she couldn’t see. She said everything is black. Okay, are you available now? Okay. See you in an hour. Thank you, Doctor Robins.”

She hangs up the phone.

“We have an appointment with him in an hour.”

An hour? I think to myself.

“So what am I supposed to do? Use a fucking stick to find my way around? Live in complete darkness for the next 60 minutes?”

“Baby, there’s nothing else we can do right now.”

I’m crying again. I haven’t cried this much since watching Marley and Me in the ninth grade. I am so scared.

“I’m going to call your school and tell them you’re sick, okay? Dad will help you downstairs and make you some breakfast. I know this is scary, but you still need to eat.”

I sigh. “Alright.”

Dad makes me pancakes and I try to force myself to eat. I push around the strawberries on my plate while I think about the moon, and the corn fields, the birds, the lightning and all the things I can no longer see.

My mom helps me into the back seat of our car, Dad drives. Together, we all head to Doctor Robins’ office to find out what’s wrong with me and hopefully to fix it.

“Tate, I’m going to look into your eyes with a flashlight, I want you to tell me if you see anything, even if its just a sparkle of light.”

“Okay,” I answered, “can you please just tell me when you’re going to do it?”

“Kiddo,” Doctor Robins started, “I’ve already done it…”

I start to cry. I didn’t see anything, not even a sparkle, not even a beam. Just darkness. I can feel me shrinking into myself. I feel a hand on my back, then another one seconds later.

“Okay, you said you woke up like this? Last night, everything was normal?”

I confirm.

“Is there anything you did last night that could have caused this? Did you get hit, or get anything in your eyes?”

I look down, trying to recall the memories from last night. Ugh, why did I have to drink so much wine, why did I have to get drunk. I can’t remember anything.

“No,” I tell Doctor Robins, adding “nothing,” to the end to try and convince him I was confident in my answer. It must have worked because he didn’t ask again, he took me into a pathology room where he took a vile of my blood, he also ran a couple more tests.

“As soon as I get the results I will call you immediately.” He said to my mom, “In the meantime, Tate, I know it’s scary but I need you to be strong. I’ve sent a referral over to my friends at the pharmacy and they will set you up with a white cane to help you get around. At this stage I’m afraid I don’t know what’s causing this, but we’ll get to the bottom of it.”

Before we leave, he pulls me aside and says to me in a hushed voice, “And if you remember anything from last night, please call me.” I can’t see him, but I know he winked.

When we get home, I sit on my bed for a long time. I’m trying to figure out what to do with myself now that I’m temporarily blind. It’s like my friends can hear my thoughts because seconds later I get a notification in our group chat. I know the first message belongs to Sue because her and Chloe each have their own personalized text and ring tones. I ask Siri to dictate each message and type out my responses too.  

SusieQ lol: tate! where u at today boo?

Norfy<3: yeah! are you okay??

Tatey xx: do either of you remember what I did last night?

SusieQ lol: LMAO u were a firework, girl

Tatey xx: what do you mean?

Norfy<3: you made out with Tom

Tatey xx: omg are you serious?!

Tatey xx: wait, nevermind that. What else happened? Did I get hurt?

SusieQ lol: well we didn’t think u did

Norfy<3: yeah, it was cray-cray, anybody else would have went to the hospital but you just shook it off

SusieQ lol: ya, u mustve been FUCKED

Tatey xx: Hospital?! What? Tell me what happened guys, its really important and I can’t remember anything

Norfy<3: well it was kinda unbelievable, I don’t even know how it happened but like, you and Tom were making out on the windowsill of Sara’s bedroom and some asshole was throwing fire crackers on the ground outside the window

SusieQ lol: ya and then he threw one AT the window where u guys were and when it exploded the window did too, glass went EVERYWHERE

Norfy<3: yeah but because the fire cracker was thrown at the window from the outside, it exploded inward and the glass flew at you and Tom. We thought you were seriously hurt so we ran to the window pane and looked inside

SusieQ lol: window pane? wut even is that how do u know that word

Norfy<3: It’s like the frame of a window. I heard it in an Eminem song.

Tatey xx: Guys, focus!

SusieQ lol: Tom wasn’t there, I guess he hid in the bathroom or something and u were on the ground but u weren’t bleeding anywhere

Norfy<3: yeah and then you just like, stood up and laughed about it.

Tatey xx: WHAT?! You guys didn’t think to take me to the hospital?!

Norfy<3: Tate you weren’t bleeding or anything, you didn’t even have any cuts and you were acting completely unaffected

SusieQ lol: u looked fine so we just carried on

Tatey xx: K, thanks

Norfy<3: wait you never told us if you were okay!!

Tatey xx:

The glass. It must have been the glass! I called my mom.

She sounded incredibly disappointed when I told her I was out past curfew, drinking underage at a party she didn’t know about and making out with a boy she’d never heard of before, but it was as to be expected. She called Doctor Robins and within another hour we were back at his office.

“Tate, this might hurt. Are you ready?”

I held my mom’s hand as Doctor Robins poked around each of my eyes with a pair of tweezers. I still couldn’t see but I could feel liquid dripping down my face.

“Doc, what is that?” I asked him.

“Okay, I don’t want you to freak out, but there are several pieces of glass in each of your eyes. The liquid you’re feeling is blood. You’ll likely have bruising around both of your eyes for a couple of days.”

I start to panic. Mom must have known because I felt her hand on my back as she said in a calm, soothing voice, “Just try to relax, honey. Doctor Robins is getting the glass out and hopefully there isn’t any severe damage.”

What felt like 20 minutes went past and finally I heard the clink as Doctor Robins put the tweezers down on his stainless-steel work bench. Then he said possibly the worst thing he could have said, “Tate, your eyes are severely damaged. I’m hoping your vision will return but unfortunately, I can’t be positive. The glass has been sitting in your eyes for nearly eight hours, it’s a shock nobody noticed this until now. What I want for you to do now is get that white cane and go about your daily life. I’m prescribing you a round of antibiotics to prevent any infection and I’m also going to give you a solution to clean your eyes with. You need to use this twice a day for the full course of your antibiotics. Come back to me in two weeks and we will go from there.”

I must look as scared as I feel because Doctor Robins puts his hand on my shoulder and says “Whatever happens, you’re going to be okay.”

On the way home, mom stops at the pharmacy and we get my white cane. I tell my friends what happened and just make it through the rest of my day. I have to go to school tomorrow, everyone will see my white cane. People will talk, I’ll be a freak.

The next day…

I can hear the whispers as Sue and Chloe walk me through the halls. I feel like I’m in a wheelchair. I can’t see but I know people are staring, and I hear the girls tell a couple of people off as we walk. I’m crying again.

Three days later…

I’m tired. I am so tired. I’ve been sleeping through my classes, and I feel sick, constantly. Chloe and Sue are being so helpful. I know they mean well but every time I’m with them they treat me like I’m handicapped. I guess I am. What if I never see again? No more corn fields, freight trains, sunsets and full moons. This is so unfair.

Four days later…

I’ve stopped going to school. I can’t do it anymore. It’s been eight days and people are still pointing and laughing and whispering and it’s too much. Chloe and Sue keep texting me, but I just can’t find the energy to answer them. I’m always sad, I always feel sick. I can’t eat, I can’t laugh, all I do is sleep but I’m still exhausted.

The next day…

Mom is taking me to see Doctor Robins again. When we get into his office Mom does the talking. She tells him I’m sad, I’m tired, I’ve lost my appetite. I already know all these things; I don’t need to hear them all again, but still, I keep my head down and I don’t speak. Doctor Robins reads out my prescription for me, anti-depressants. Phenomenal, I’m already the blind freak at 16, the last thing I need is to be the blind freak with depression at 16. I won’t be taking them.

The next day…

I wake up but I feel numb. I hear the birds, but I cover my ears. I don’t want to get up, I don’t even want to shower. My phone rings, it’s Chloe calling.

“Siri, decline.”

 It only takes me an hour of laying in silence and self-loathing before I’m in the medicine cabinet in my bathroom. I only have one bottle, the anti-depressants, because before now I never needed any pills to make me happy. I never needed any pills to keep me healthy. Before now, I never needed a white cane or an escort down the stairs. I was popular, and boys like Tom Gardener actually liked me. People like Stacy Phillips never laughed at me while I picked up six different items in the cafeteria fridge before I finally found the juice boxes. And my best friends never felt bad for me. I imagine their faces every time I’m with them. Their brows are furrowed and their eyes big and watery while they hold back tears of sorrow for my misfortune. Chloe’s nose will crinkle because that’s what she does whenever she feels the tingling as she tries her hardest not to cry. Sue will close her eyes and look every direction that isn’t mine because she can’t bear to watch her best friend, with blackened eyes and bloodied sclera’s, go through this alone. Sue is the most empathetic person I know, and I think the fact she can’t feel what I’m feeling damn near kills her.

I wipe tears from my eyes with one hand as I put a pill on my tongue with the other. I bend over the sink faucet and slurp a mouthful of water before washing the thought of medically induced happiness down my throat. When will things get better?

Four days later…

I have my follow up appointment with Doctor Robins today, but I still can’t see.

When we get into his office, he does all the usual things. He shines a light into my eyes, this I only know because he now tells me before he does it, he pokes at my eyeballs with his tweezers and flushes my eyes with the same solution he prescribed me with two weeks ago, nothing changes. The room is silent and heavy, I can hear my mom crying softly.

“I’m sorry.” Doctor Robin says.

Mom’s soft cries turn into loud and angry wails that shock me out of my seat. I fall to the ground where I feel Mom already is.

I will never see again.

When we get home, I’m too sad to do anything, even the anti-depressants, which have been my saving grace for the last four days, are no match against what I’m feeling now. I lay in bed and cry myself into a stupor.

I hear the birds singing as I drift back to consciousness, I’ve forgotten now the terrible news I received mere hours ago. My phone rings, I open my eyes. It’s Sue.

“Hell—” I stop myself.

Wait a minute…

“Sue! It’s you! It’s Sue!” I happily scream into the phone. Sue is confused, naturally.

“Sue! I read your name! It was on my screen, I saw it! I saw it with my own eyes! I can see!”

Sue erupts with laughter, the kind of laughter that comes with a happy scream. We’re both crying tears of joy. My mom comes upstairs to respond to the shrieks and opens my door to find me dancing with excitement when I scream happily, “Mom, I can see! I can see you!” She smiles a smile so big you’d mistake her for the Cheshire Cat. She runs up to me, Dad and Marcus are standing behind her in the doorway with the same smiles of shock and ecstasy. I drop my phone as my family embraces me in the happiest hug I have ever felt.

The next day…

Today I walk through the school halls on my own. My eyes are still bruised and bloodshot, but for the first time in weeks they’re not overshadowed with fear and insignificance. I walk right up to Tom Gardener, I shove him against his locker and I kiss him in front of everyone. The crowd fills with gasps and whispers but this time, they don’t offend me. They don’t control me. I was blind, but now I see and I will not take it for granted. I flushed my pills down the toilet, I put on my nicest dress and decorated my dark eyes with glitter and personality. I plan to take the theoretical bull by it’s horns and live life unapologetically and away from windowsills on the other side of fire crackers.

Today, my life begins.