How I escaped Hell

When I was younger, most of my dreams revolved about being married, and having a family. I also wanted to be an actress and a singer, but those dreams I grew out of. I had a long time to wait for my true love. I was 20 when I met him, and I didn’t like him.

My eyes were set on another. Eventually things changed, circumstances altered and I started to date him. The first real date together, he talked so much he got horse. We liked the same things. We had the same views and we really admired and loved each other. We married nine months later and started our journey as a married couple. I was elated and so thankful to marry my best friend.

The day before the marriage I tried to contact him and he wouldn’t answer. I drove to the house that was about to be ours and it was completely trashed. His clothes were thrown all over. Dises were broken and left on the floor. His glasses were twisted into an unrecognizable metal mess. When he finally got home it turned out that he ran out of time to fix his truck (the one he wanted to drive us home in from the wedding) and he lost control. I was terrified, but also believed he was under a lot of stress. I forgave and forgot and still wanted to marry my soul mate. The wedding was a well put together affair with fond memories.

The first month was really good. We went on a long honeymoon in a motorhome and saw some beautiful caves and made some fantastic memories. When we got home we kept learning about each other and falling deeper in love. The second month there was another incident. He had gotten very angry at his mother and came home ranting about being able to take care for his own family. He ripped a new winter coat into shreds, like literal 1 inch by like 4 inch shreds! In a very little time. I was amazed at the energy that had to have expressed to do that kind of damage in that little time. I was terrified to see such destruction in such a short time.

The argument about how he expressed his anger began and repeated itself for the rest of our marriage. I thought it wasn’t normal, to destroy things when you get angry. He thought it was normal for HIM. But looking back, I was right. That kind of explosive anger was NOT normal and I should run when I had the chance. It took broken walls, tools, cars and plates to start to see the light. The cycle began. He would get mad, break something, and things would get tense and then get better. The cycles became much more frequent.

Fast forward 25 years, being married to a man that I loved and was afraid of all at the same time. But now we have a child and another house that needs repair and he can’t or won’t fix, and I feel stuck. We have a child who has just told us she’s suicidal because of our living conditions and he has exploded at us. She is crying, I am beyond upset and hating him and we left. I remember thinking, “This isn’t what I signed up for.”

We went to a church who helped us at first, and then condemned us later. The church ladies didn’t know my story but blamed me, He looked really good and helpful in public. So, they thought I was not a good wife. They thought I was leaving him because I wasn’t trying hard enough. I wasn’t giving him enough grace or forgiveness.

I tried to comfort myself one day, by listening to a Christian radio station and they are talking about marriage. They don’t mention to leave if your being abused and I get so angry that I write a letter.

A few years later I reread the letter and it still shocks me. Here is some of it. It will spell out how bad it had gotten and how different and off our life was compared to most normal people’s marriages and lives together. Here is some of what I wrote.

Imagine if you will 30-50 cats and kittens-- all allowed to be inside-imagine the litter, the smell, now throw in a dose of hoarding—boxes piled everywhere where cats can go but humans can’t and imagine cats using the boxes as litter boxes as well—imagine the smell. Now imagine that they also “go” in all corners of the house as well and under the bed you sleep in!

Imagine feeling so terribly helpless so hopeless so lost—I couldn’t get rid of them—my husband wouldn’t let me—I know that sounds weird but true—now throw in a 15 year old daughter who is fed up and suicidal—pile on the fact that the living room is now uninhabitable-the kitchen is a disaster—although it is cleaner than most rooms—the stove is broken, there’s a big hole in the ceiling, the water pipes freeze in the winter, the tractor is broken so the grass is 3 feet high or more—If you can imagine all this—you know there’s more but why go on and on??!!

So long story short I left—I took my daughter and I left—He now lives in that big barn of a house all by himself—the world would congratulate me—the church would condemn me.

But here’s where I get mad—here’s the sticking point…I heard a guy on the radio—I should say I heard several guys on the radio—cause I’ve heard them MULTIPLE times—there is no reason to leave your husband—love him more, complain less, try harder, get closer to God, pray together, If you start the love train he will follow—well sometimes it doesn’t work.

This is what I want to say to those guys who think all you have to do is…(fill in love method here) and everything will be fine..

You probably have never lived in an abusive relationship—you never have had to take a beating or get screamed at for no good reason—you never have been treated like no one should treat another—but there are people out there who have been mistreated—BADLY—and what do you say to them—what big plan do you have to fix their lives??!!!

I would like to say to the love doctors this:—TRY IT—Try living in fear day in day out—Try having to keep the peace or else—try living in filth and garbage and not being able to do something about—TRY IT!!!!! You stay to stick—ID LIKE TO SEE YOU TRY!!!

Sometimes you’re left with what I was left with after SEVERAL attempts at all those things which are great ideas but sometimes DON’T work.

I would like to say—most of these love doctors are men—they don’t know abuse—if they did though, it’s not like women’s abuse—usually men become stronger—women just become weaker—and men ARE stronger than women—You cannot possibly know what it is like to be a woman in this world and be totally hopeless and helpless when you are afraid of a man—maybe I’m wrong but I don’t think so.

I wanted to do things with my life that I haven’t done because I perceived he wouldn’t approve. Well, I for one, am GLAD to be free from that kind of tyranny. I enjoy my freedom, I enjoy my small successes-my daughter and I are very happy now. So a warning to all those who think they have all the answers—you don’t know a person’s situation. Band-Aids don’t fix bullet holes. We need a fix for the abused relationship. Or maybe the best thing to do would be to leave. Leaving sometimes IS the best solution.

If I would have stayed my daughter WOULD have died—I WOULD have probably died too.

The answer I got was helpful. He did say that he thought I was right, so the letter helped. I read that now and still get upset that I let myself live like that for so long. I feel so bad that I made my daughter live like that. It is still unbelievable to me that we lived like that for so long.

It was so bad that God even told us to leave. Right before we got free, my daughter and I had the same experience. At different times, on the same day, we were each walking around our house, looking at the mess and chaos around us and heard a voice say these words, “Daughter, this is not the life I chose for you. You are not meant for this life.” It was clear that even God wanted us to leave.

We admitted to each other what we had hears, but I know it was the same day (The day we finally left). It made the decision to leave easier for the both of us.

We are out of that life and situation. I am happy now. I am with a man who doesn’t want to control me. He wants me to be happy.

My ex-husband still lives there in the filth and hides away from everyone. He still blames me for lying to him. He says that I promised to stay until death do us part, but I died a little that day. My dream of being in a loving relationship with him died that day.

My daughter is doing well. She’s well on her way to becoming a zoo-keeper. We have our scars, but we are out of that situation. It seemed like a dream come true, but it really was just a nightmare.