This way, I'll never run out of milk again

April 2nd, 2011

Dear diary,

this is so stupid. I hate my mom for making me do this, and I hate that kid at school for tattling on me. Seriously, it was april fool’s, obviously trying to sell him meth was a joke. It’s not my fault the uncultured idiot doesn’t know who Heisenberg is. I even put a hat on to make myself look more like him, and I have to say, I looked mighty fine in that thing. Sienna thought so, too.

Stupid mom, she says she wants me to write down my thoughts and feelings, but when I do, she won’t let me. I hate how she’s looking over my shoulder, and the coughing is seriously getting on my nerves. At least have the balls to tell me, don’t do this lame sound, use words damn woman.

Hah, she didn’t like that and stormed off. I win. She did have a few nasty things to say, that kinda stuff that would get me in trouble if I told them, but when she says it, all’s good. Whatever, for now, I’ll just cherish the sound of the door slamming behind her.

So, what else should I write? Dad hasn’t been home in a while. I miss him, but at least he calls like every other day. It’s not his fault his business trip was extended. I feel so sorry for him, being stuck in Paris with that strange lady who always looks funny at him. Between him and me, I don’t know who has it worse.

Me. Definitely me. He’s at least getting paid. I’m being called all sorts of names, getting detention, and being forced into writing this stupid thing. I don’t see how this would help me with feelings and anger issues, even if I had any issues.

Seriously, like I’m almost 16, I’m basically an adult, I can manage stupid feelings on my own.

April 3rd

Fuck my life. I’m not doing this.

April 4th

Here we go again. Nothing has changed. Not my mom breathing down my neck as I write this, not me being completely above things. Things are good with that kid now. Funny thing, turns out we have the same name. Brian turned out to be kinda cool when he’s not running around, kissing teachers’ asses. Hope he can learn more from his namesake.

Sienna found out I keep a diary. She found it hot, said guys being emotional is really nice. I couldn’t tell her I didn’t choose to do this, and I couldn’t show her this thing, no matter how much she asked, even though it meant I had to say no to her coming over today. How I had the strength to do that, I have no idea.

So it's just me and my mom now. We’re both thrilled. She’s worse than usual. Must be because my dad will be gone for another week. I looked at the weather in Paris, and the rainstorms don’t look good. I wish he’d just steal a plane and get home already. We have baseball tickets for Friday, and I already know Mom won’t take me there. I don’t even have to ask, I know her too well.

Yes, she’s reading it, but it’s not a secret. She’s not into sports; that’s just for me and Dad. My mom and I have other things. I can’t tell what on the top of my head, but…

April 8th

So, Mom did take me to the game.

I don’t know why. She said she wanted to spend time with me, but I don’t believe her. She barely spoke to me this week, except to yell at me, and suddenly, she wants to hang out. At a baseball game, that’s what’s tripping me the most. She hates baseball.

But she was cool today. I don’t know what to think.

April 9th

My dad isn’t answering his phone. And his hotel won’t let me talk to him. Maybe I’d given them too many messages. He’s probably stressed with work, I should give him space.

April 11th

The world is shit, but that won’t stop her from dictating what I do with my life. Like, I have to study for my math test… She’s so annoying. She won’t believe me, I need to study, but I really do. I’m not gonna fail. What would Sienna think?

Dad is still silent and it’s starting to piss me off. I know Mom is talking to him; I can hear her yelling in the middle of the night. How stupid of her to think I can’t. These walls are paper thin; they’d always been. That’s what really traumatized me, not inadequate communication or emotional shit like my mom says.

Dad talks to her, but why won’t he talk to me?

April 12th

Brian said I should focus more on computer science than sports. I don’t know. He pissed me off when he first told me. I kinda lost my cool on him, but in my defense, I’d been playing basketball since I was 3. Like, I know I’m not the best, but my game could still get me a scholarship. Maybe High Point or Augusta. Or maybe the 2nd division is too ambitious.

April 13th

Mom kinda gave up on me writing this. She’s been walking around the house like a body without a soul. I have a bad feeling.

May 25th

I don’t know why I’m writing this. Mom doesn’t care. She’s too busy burning down my dad’s stuff. I guess I want her to have an explanation if anything goes to shit on my trip.

May 30th

It’s prom tonight. I must have been tripping when I thought I could ever go, even before my escape to Paris. Or at least attempted, how was I supposed to know my passport had expired? Mom always took care of that.

Sienna sent me a pic of her in the dress. I almost made a hole through the wall. The only thing keeping me here is the sound of my mom crying when cops dropped me back here. I still think she overreacted a little. I just wanted to see my dad.

I want to talk to him. I miss him; it’s been almost two months since I last heard from him, and Mom won’t tell me anything. She just said he decided to move away, but… WHAT??

Like… why? How can he move and not even talk to me? I have to figure something out.

June 1st

I know now. He’s moving for that bitch.

I took Mom’s phone. His secret Facebook account was easy to find. It was the first thing in her search history. She’s heavily pregnant. Like she’s about to pop any minute. He looked miserable in the photo.

Okay, that’s a lie. He looked happier than I’d seen him in a while.

It’s a good thing I didn’t make it to Paris, he hadn’t been there for a while. They’re in California now. I don’t know how he can afford it, their new house looks like it costs more than my life.

But then again, that obviously isn’t worth that much.

June 15th

I have a sister. It’s really weird. I don’t feel anything.

Dad finally called me, and all he could talk about was her. He didn’t ask about me or my mom. What a dick.

Mom’s doing better than I thought she would. She said that if I wanted to go see him, she would understand. I’m not sure I buy that, but I’d sooner fart pigs that fly than to spend any more time with that man.

June 17th

I’m writing this while in detention, for a change. Some kids in my class found out about my dad. It’s all his fault. I rejected appearing in court, but I changed my mind. I’m making sure he’s getting hell for this.

September 10th

The divorce is finally over. The good news is that we can keep the house and buy a yacht. Or put it in a savings account or invest it, whatever. Boring.

The bad news is that Dad will never talk to me again. At least according to how he looked at me when the settlement was being read out. Maybe I made a mistake. Maybe if I did something to make it all more peaceful, I’d still have a dad.

September 16th

It’s Working Parents Day, so I took Mom out. I’d been saving my allowance for a while for this, and it was totes worth it. We went shopping, which I hate, she bought me a shirt I hate, and she bought herself a dress, which looked amazing on her.

Then we went to dinner, and didn’t talk much. But it was still nice.

She seems to forgotten about this diary, so I feel safe to admit this. I didn’t even know about this holiday, I just wanted to do something nice for her. It felt good.

September 25th

Mom went out on a date. I wasn’t sure what to say, so I spat out ‘Don’t get pregnant’ and hid in my room. I plan to avoid her for as long as I can. I have a secret Doritos stash for this exact reason. And in case of an earthquake.

It’s so weird. I’m not used to her being divorced yet, and now she’s dating? Am I bad for wanting the date not to go well? Am I bad for wanting her to fall in love with this guy and be happy so I could throw it in Dad’s face?

November 1st, 2013

Halloween was yesterday. It was pretty epic. I might have had some fun with a certain Catwoman. I had to let go of some steam, my SATs are around the corner, and I’m super stressed out. Getting into Columbia is no joke, especially with my awful history with math. But I’m hoping my straight A’s in the last two years are going to save my ass.

I don’t know what I’m gonna do if I don’t get in. I went there for a tour with Mom and Brian, and we all loved it. And the best part is that Dad hates Columbia. I’m sure he freaked out when he found out. I wish I had the chance to tell him myself, but I hadn’t talked to him in years.

I’m mostly over it. He didn’t want me in his life. His loss. I’m not giving him the pleasure of crying over him.

Not anymore.

December 7th

Mom and Dale got married. Beautiful wedding. I wasn’t too sold on an outside winter wedding, but it was not as cold as I expected, and the snow made it look amazing.

I didn’t cry. Don’t believe anyone who says otherwise.

And as if this week wasn’t epic enough, I found out Dad is getting divorced. His young, hot wife found him in bed with an even younger and hotter woman. Although it’s weird calling her a woman when she’s only a few years older than me.

That was the moment I swore to myself I would never be like that man. I’m doing amazing already, ‘cause Sienna is a few weeks older than me.

I forgot, I aced my SATs and applied to Columbia. I don’t think I was able to sleep since, and I probably won't until I know the result in March. So see you then or when I fuck up.

December 27th

My life is over. How did this happen?

Okay, I know how, but how? I don’t get it.

One moment, you’re enjoying eggnog that your mom let you have despite being underage because she was in an exceptionally good mood, and then, out of nowhere, your girlfriend is telling you she’s pregnant, and your head is spinning and you can’t stop it until everything goes black and you faint.

I’m not proud of it, but I’m barely 18, can anyone blame me?

And I’m not going anywhere. I’ll be here for Sienna no matter what. I proposed to her right after I gained my consciousness back, and she rejected me almost as fast as that.

We had a good talk. We know what we’re going to do. We think. Maybe. Depends on what our parents will say.

Oh god no, I have to tell my mom. Gods have mercy on my soul.

March 27, 2014

I got into Columbia. I hoped to get in more comfortably, but I’m in and that’s all that matters. Now that it’s confirmed, we can properly start planning our move.

Mom has already started looking at places to live. I don’t know how she does it. I took one look and the prices almost gave me a heart attack. But she said that if we all put our funds together, we’ll get a nice place, big enough for all four of us and the baby, and still have plenty enough money left.

I offered the money I had saved from programming gigs, but she rejected it. She said I should save it for the baby.

I don’t know if that’s a good idea. I tried going to a baby stuff store once, and I bought the first thing I saw in there. These little tiny baby shoes, shaped like dinosaur feet. They were too expensive, considering the baby will never even walk in them. But they were crazy cute, I couldn’t resist. I should leave the shopping to Sienna.

July 18th

I have a son. His name is Brian. He’s not named after me, and definitely not after my dad, but after my best friend Brian. He came to visit us at the hospital. The baby cried when he saw him, and I laughed, mostly because I hadn’t slept in two days. We were all loud and annoying, but Sienna didn’t say a word. Brian was almost a week overdue, so she was just happy it was finally over.

She cried when she was holding him, then my mom cried when she was holding him, then I cried, but don’t tell anyone. I’m a little worried we traumatized that kid; he was looking at us really weird. Must be some kind of record, I should look into that.

November 27th

It’s currently 2:34. I’m 19 years old, weigh 204,3 pounds, and have four tooth fillings. I’m writing this because I am worried I will soon lose my sanity.

I haven’t slept in… I don’t know how long. But that wouldn’t be that big of a problem. I’ve put in countless all-nighters before, and I survived. What is driving me insane is the screaming.

I asked Mom, and apparently, I was just as bad. Which I find comforting because one day, my son is going to get his justice for torturing his parents, their parents, and neighbours.

And despite all of this, I still couldn’t contain myself as I saw Brian kicking in his dinosaur shoes. I have to ‘aww’ every time he wears them. I love him so much.

But he will pay dearly for putting us through this.

August 12th, 2018

I’m getting married soon. I’m panicking a little bit. I don’t have cold feet. I can’t. I would never. Brian is sitting right in front of me, trying to get out of his tiny bowtie. He hates it, but he looks so cute. His parents are getting married only once, so he’ll have to get over it.

But I’m beginning to think it’s a little too much to ask of a four-year-old. Maybe I should take it off for him and put it back on for the photos. I don’t want to force him into stuff.

I have to go now. Although… I had to propose four times before Sienna finally agreed to marry me. Would it be too petty to let her wait a few minutes? Yes, it would, what am I thinking.

Luckily, my friend Brian is here. So that’s one person who would kick my ass if I did something stupid. The second is my mom.

I can’t wait to see Sienna in her wedding dress. Enough, let’s get me hitched.

June 12th, 2048

I just got back from the funeral. I can’t believe Mom is gone.

I guess that’s why I came back to my diary after all these years. The diary she forced me to write. I never had the chance to thank her for doing it. I went through hard stuff, and as I read through it, I realized how much of a help it was.

I wrote so much, some of it was just stupid nonsense. Like when I wrote Brian Parker over and over again, seeing how it would look if I took Sienna’s name.

But I’m on the last page. How did I use all 150 of them?

So let’s see. My son Brian has a kid, Brianna, and she’s the best. She barely ever cries, not even now that her teeth are coming in. That sucks. How did such a pain like him have such an angel? She can’t be his.

My friend Brian retired, lucky bastard. It’s going to take me years before I can retire. People at the company threw him a little farewell party. It was sad seeing him go after almost thirty years of working together.

Oh great, now I’m crying. I smudged the page a little bit. I hope Brian won’t mind when I give this to him. Well, I won’t give it to him; he’ll inherit it after I die. I’m sure he will be thrilled. Old china and an old man’s old diary.