When the clouds part

Today, tomorrow, it’s all the same to me now. My days are spent in auto pilot when I can’t help but feel empty. I haven’t had a good sleep in over a year. I still haven’t gotten used to sleeping alone yet. My bed is empty on weekdays. I spend my weekends dog sitting a huge Saint Bernard who belongs to a friend and sheds more than you ever would  but I am only able to see you on Thursdays due to both our busy schedules as well as the fact that you barely want anything from me, other than a companion you only have to deal with for the duration of the movie we decided to watch.

 All I ever wanted from you was love, but you insist on showing me a cold shoulder. I can’t remember the last time you kissed me or told me you loved me. Since you moved all of your things out of my small, one bedroom apartment it hasn’t been the same. When I see you, you don’t even seem human anymore. You resemble more of a tired, worn down painting of the person I used to know. I still miss you and during some of my most tiring nights I allow myself to dream about what we used to be….

“I’m home!” You called from the front door. 

“Hey, I’m in the living room!” I shout in response

“I got those mangos you wanted from the store.” you say. I could always hear when you set down the keys and began to take off your tie from a long day at the office. You always worked too hard. I can’t count how many times you refused to go to the hospital when you passed out from exhaustion. At this point in time I started to give up and I let you continue to work as much as you wanted, while I rested on the couch, knowing that whatever was happening wouldn’t last, but I always tried to stay positive when you got home. Back when you would rest your tired head on my lap as I played with your hair and  you would fall asleep as I sang to you, 

“ You are my sunshine

My only sunshine

You make me happy

When skies are grey

I’ll always love you and make you happy

If only you will do the same

Please don’t take my sunshine away.” 

Ironically, it’s usually at this point in my dream that I wake up. Sometimes I have a good couple of hours until I actually have to get up but I’m never able to go back to sleep when I’ve had dreams about you. Thursdays are the only days I ever see you anymore so I hardly get any sleep the night before. In the end I manage to drag myself out of bed anyway and make myself a cup of coffee. I don’t have the time or money to mix any fancy creamers in so I just mix in a spoonful of sugar instead. I sit in front of my laptop and by 3pm I start to wonder how I got any work done at all. I’m a freelance author and I’m pretty sure my books only sell for the amount of nonsense I put out there. My publisher loves it even though she’s just like everyone else and thinks that my books are filled with mysterious metaphors in need of deciphering. The important thing is I’ve managed to do work anyway and that’s all that really matters. Since I have about 3 hours until your arrival at my home I do some grocery shopping and when I return my door is unlocked and I know you’ll be sitting on my couch, looking for a movie to watch even though I already picked one without your approval. “Hello James” I say (there’s really no need for any other kind of greeting). “Hello Peaches,” he says. He hasn’t called me by my actual name since we were in grade school. I got the nickname Peaches from him because when we met I was 6 and I never stopped climbing up trees despite the fact that I bruised like a peach and broke God knows how many bones. Even though he broke my heart I highly doubt he’ll stop calling me Peaches anytime soon. He smiles and pats the seat next to him motioning for me to sit down. I reluctantly do so and I lean in to him like all of this is normal. It’s easy to pretend that nothing has ever been more okay after years of being with him. It’s sort of a sixth sense for me to pretend. Once I get comfortable he’ll put his arm around me and I’m never awake to feel him remove it. I always pick the movies that I watch while I do work so I already know what happens and I’m free to fall asleep. It’s easier this way because then I won’t feel when he has to get up and leave because he can’t stand being here overnight. Not since the very last time…

It was cold out. Maybe mid January. It was far too early in the morning. 3am to be precise. James and I had always found ourselves in silly arguments but neither of us had realized that our last would be on a not so silly topic. I was mad because James insisted that he was well enough to be off his antidepressants but I knew that his doctor had specifically said that he wouldn't be ready to get off of them until next year. I yelled at him and it was one of the worst things I could’ve done at the moment but I did it anyway because I didn’t know how else to make myself feel better. He started to break down in tears once I shouted “Why can’t you be better for me! All I do is take care of you, do you ever wonder how much I gave up to leave home and come here with you because you’ve always worried me!” Once I said it I instantly regretted it. It was true. I left my family behind because I was too scared to leave James on his own. Once he asked me if I was ready to leave I held back my tears and I left everything for him. It was one of the biggest mistakes I ever made and it hurt more than anything but it didn’t take long after I said it for him to collect himself and become angry at me. He started stomping around the apartment and picking up everything he owned that would fit in his arms at the moment. He slammed the door and left me there to sulk in my own self pity. A couple weeks after we made up but he was no longer together. He hasn’t been the same since. I took something from him that day and he still hasn’t found it or gotten it back. I will forever be in his debt for this reason and this reason alone. 

Just like always I fall asleep when we’re barely 30 minutes into the movie and when I wake up he’s gone. He never says anything when he leaves but today there is a small piece of paper on my kitchen counter. I walk over and pick it up. I don’t start to cry until I’ve read it through for the 5th time. It reads:

“Hey Peaches, I know we haven’t been the same for a while but I wanted to apologize for not informing you that this will be the last time I’ll ever see you. Today, I wished that you wouldn’t fall asleep like you always do so I could spend this last day with you properly but you couldn’t have known. It’s not your fault. I can’t be around you anymore. You only remind me of what I have taken from you and what I have lost by being with you. I need to understand and keep being you. This is not the end of our lives, it is just a new beginning. I think we could both use a fresh start.

-Forever yours, James”

Tears started to run down my face. I set the note down before it could become soiled with the rain of my soul. I should’ve done better. I should have been there for him when he needed me. I should never have given up on him. I’m such a quitter. I continued to cry as I dragged myself to my bed and buried myself under the covers and as I cried my head started to throb. I have no idea what to do with myself but after a while I can’t just skip the five stages of grief but it’s been two years since James left me that note and I couldn’t be happier. In the end I realized he was right and I thank him everyday for the fresh start he gave me because I was too scared to take it. Most stories end in a happy ending but just because I’m happy does not mean my story is over. I have so much to live for and nothing is weighing me down anymore.