Addiction

Volanne could not sleep. Neither could she decide what to do. My big sister is eight years older than me, and she is always warning me to be careful. It's alright for her, doing everything in what she thinks is the right, and only, order. You meet a man, you date, you fall in love, you get engaged, you marry, your wedding night is your first time, and later you have children.  

Eventually Volanne went to sleep.  

Volanne woke up in the morning, with her head filled with ideas. Of course, big sister has been right in the past. I remember her warning me about the monthly nuisance, and later how to be firm with boys, when our mother was too embarrassed to say anything. But big sister is wrong about Mark. I want her to know that Mark and I just want to be friends, and that I only think of him as a friend, and not as a man.  

"You can't just be friends with a man", said big sister. "I know you like Mark's company. You told me about that day at the beach, and those picnics in the country, where you both enjoyed being like little children, going barefoot on the grass. That was okay in the summer, but the summer is nearly over, and then where will you meet him ? At his flat ? And you know the two things that men are most interested in, eating and reproducing. Our hormones tell us to have a child, but a man's hormones tell him to strengthen the species through genetic variety, which means mating with as many different women as possible."

Volanne hated her big sister's lectures, and it made her play with her crucifix. The small silver crucifix was on a chain around her neck, and she always needed to hold it when she was worried or upset.  

"But here's an idea," continued big sister, "It is now October. We could have a Halloween party, at my house, and then I can meet Mark, and see you both together." 

Volanne let go of the crucifix. Thank you, crucifix, you are my friend. If I want to know whether to do something, I just silently ask you and, usually, get an immediate feeling of the answer. I find it is better if I ask you something with a simple "yes" or "no" answer, or, "now" or "later", when I think I should phone someone. If I ask, "what should I do ?", then there is usually no answer, maybe because, of all the hundreds of possibilities, it is difficult to be sure which one is the right one. But where are you ? Are you in my subconscious mind, or just confirming what my conscious mind wants anyway ?  

Volanne introduced Mark to her big sister at the Halloween party. There were about a dozen other people there, all wearing party clothes, dancing and having a good time. Later big sister suggested, since they were celebrating Halloween, that they take it in turns to tell of their scariest experiences. Big sister started by telling of being really frightened one night, when she was a little girl, as she heard tapping on her bedroom window. She was so frightened that she hid under all the bedclothes, but in the morning she saw that the wind had simply been blowing some branches of a tree against her window. Everyone laughed.  

Mark told of his scariest time. "The worst time of my life lasted 24 hours, when I could not keep any food or drink down, I felt I would die, and that my heart rate must be at least 300 beats per minute. I was shivering and sweating at the same time, and I had goose bumps on my arms, and later I had terrible leg cramps."  

The others told of their scariest moments, but none sounded as bad as Mark's.  

As everyone was leaving the party, big sister asked one of her friends, who worked as a nurse, to help Volanne clear up. The nurse said, "Mark's description was very good, just as we were taught in training, except for the feeling that he would die. That was something I had never heard of happening in rehab before."

"Rehab ? What do you mean ?" asked Volanne, with a worried look on her face, and touching her crucifix.   

The nurse realised that she had said too much, so she looked at the clock, and said that she must dash home.  

Rehab ? Does that mean that Mark was once addicted to something ? Volanne had read about addictions to tobacco and alcohol. She had known a doctor who had smoked, but he gave it up and went for ten years without ever smoking, and he thought that he was free of the habit. Smoking produces nicotine, but nicotine is not a poison. Nicotine is one of the hundreds of chemicals that the human body produces to control various functions, in this case heart and lungs, especially when the body suddenly needs to pump more blood than it uses when resting. That is why smokers need a cigarette when they wake up, or when they have to do anything energetic during the day. However, the body has to use energy to produce nicotine, and when it finds a ready source of nicotine from smoking, it shuts down it's own nicotine production, and relies solely on the nicotine it gets from smoking. However, even if smokers manage to give up smoking, so that their body has to learn how to start making its own nicotine again, the body still remembers how it can get it easily by smoking. My doctor friend thought he was free of the smoking habit, until his son was killed in a car crash. This was too much for him, and the only way he could cope with life, was to start smoking again.  

Smoking is an addiction of the body, but alcohol dependence is an addiction of the mind, like drugs, satisfying the part of the brain that registers pleasure. Volanne had known a lady whose husband was an alcoholic. He once told his wife that, even if the house were burning down, with his family inside, and he needed a drink, that there would be nothing he could do until after he had taken his drink. Volanne had never seen Mark smoke, and he only drank ginger beer at the Halloween party, so what had he been addicted to ? Surely not drugs, he seemed much too stable a person for that. Volanne decided to telephone the nurse.  

"Volanne, I'm sorry to tell you this, but what Mark described were the classic signs of withdrawal from..."  

"From what ?" shouted Volanne, almost tugging the crucifix off the chain. 

"From heroin. I'm sorry. The shivering and goose bumps he mentioned are why it is called cold turkey, and the leg cramps at the end are what is meant by kicking the habit." 

No, it can't be. Not Mark. Crucifix, I remember silently asking you if I should invite Mark to the Halloween party, and I am sure that your answer was yes. I have asked many times if Mark and I will have a future together, and I'm sure that the answer has always been yes, a very definite yes, although I suppose that might have come from my subconscious, or even my conscious mind. I asked you if I am in love with Mark, but I could not feel any reply to that, perhaps because you know that I already know the answer.  

Volanne wanted to clear her mind, so she went for a walk around the park. She stopped on her favourite little bridge, which was over a stream, and she stood gazing into the water. She twisted her finger round the chain of her crucifix, hoping for some sort of answer. She didn't notice a man with a dog approach her. Suddenly the dog barked, which made Volanne jump, and she pulled on the crucifix chain so hard that it broke, and she saw the crucifix fall off the end of the chain, and into the water. "Oh no," she cried.  

Now what can I do ? Crucifix, you have gone. I have lost you. She automatically asked her usual question, "Do Mark and I have a future together ?" and was surprised to feel the usual, "Yes, definitely", reply. So, crucifix, are you still my friend, even if I cannot feel, or even see you, anymore ? 

Crucifix, you may still be my friend, but I am not sure about Mark being a friend. How can I have a future with someone who has taken drugs, not just any drug, but heroin, the strongest one ? Can he have really kicked the habit ? He might return to it in the future, like the doctor who had stopped smoking, and then where will I be ? Supporting a drug addict. Volanne remembered big sister saying that, catching a man, and keeping a man, are two entirely different things. Keeping a man needs a different recipe each week, and no bedtime headaches, however tired you feel. Even if I have caught him, and maybe I have, living with a drug addict would be a nightmare. She plucked up courage, and silently asked, "Should I dump him ?" but she felt no answer.

She walked home. So now, what am I to do ? Should I forget him ? How can I forget him ? How can I get him out of my mind ? I have tried concentrating on things I need to do, but the more I try, the more he comes into my mind, making me think of our last meeting, or our next meeting, and where we will go, and what we will talk about. He is in my mind when I wake up in the morning, he is in my mind all through the day, and he is still in my mind when I want to get to sleep. It is easy to forget things you want to remember, like things to buy in town. But when I have wanted to forget something, like a rude story I have overheard, it has stayed in my mind even stronger. How do people forget things they want to forget ? Perhaps I will only be able to forget Mark if I have a different man to think about. But that won't work, because Mark will still be in my mind, stopping me from meeting anyone else. So, I'm trapped, with a drug addict, and maybe for ever.  

Next day Mark telephoned Volanne, and she was about to pick up her phone, as usual, when she decided not to. Mark telephoned again, several times, but she let the phone continue ringing. "Everything was going so well, and now it is all going so badly," she kept thinking.  

Big sister telephoned Volanne, "What's wrong ? I was quite impressed with Mark. Now he says that you are ignoring him. If you two have had a lover's tiff, let me be a peacemaker."  

No. How can there be any future ? Not with a drug addict. Crucifix, or whatever you are, and wherever you are now, should I meet him ? What ? You are telling me that I should ?  

Mark and Volanne met in the park, on the bridge. Volanne told Mark what the nurse had said. "What do you say to that ?" she asked, coldly, staring down into the water, and wondering what had happened to her crucifix.   

Mark explained that many years ago he had a kidney stone, and it was so painful that the doctor gave him a Pethidine tablet. Soon the pain went, and he had the wonderful sensation of slowly falling through soft woolly clouds, and then waking up six hours later, and with no pain. Mark said that, although the pain had gone, his brain still remembered the peaceful feeling that Pethidine had given him. Some years later he needed an operation in hospital, and when he recovered from the anaesthetic, he had all the horrible feelings that he described at the party. This was because his body had not forgotten Pethidine, which works like heroin, and it had been stimulated by the anaesthetic. However, the anaesthetic was short lived, just long enough for the operation, and when his body couldn't get any more, it was like being forced off heroin. Mark then said that he mentioned this next time he was at the hospital, and he was told that they don't use that particular anaesthetic any more.  

"So you were never addicted to drugs, after all," said Volanne, looking at him, relieved and beaming.  

"But I still have an addiction."  

Volanne's heart sank. What now ? Crucifix, or whatever you are, please help me. You told me to meet him, but why ? What's the point ? Crucifix, are you doing this to hurt me, because I lost you ?  

Volanne didn't want to leave, but she felt that she had to, and slowly turned to go.  

Mark put out his arm to stop her, and said, "Don't go, because I'm sure my brain will never forget the addiction I have now. Look." He pulled his phone from his pocket, to show her a picture.  

It was a picture of Volanne.