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Drama Contemporary Speculative

This story contains themes or mentions of physical violence, gore, or abuse.

Thank you for stumbling onto my blog, The Fuggin Foodie!

IMG Smiling as I stir a pot.

Here is my recipe for the best-ever Le Puy Lentil Soup. It's my own original recipe, perfected from my grandma's recipe. Love you, but mine's better. XO.

Many of you have been begging for this recipe, featured extensively on my Instagram (@TheFugginFoodie<3) and I honestly couldn't have done it without you (I mean, I did do it without you; this recipe is mine, but you guys blew up my channel which is more what I meant). It is the perfect addition to the Fall and Winter meal planner. I make this soup once a week, and it's always a hit. Even my picky children love it, and they can barely handle the taste of a carrot (we sneak those in the recipe too!)

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Img297663554244 a steaming bowl of soup.

My first dive into the world of cooking was mud pies. The backyard was about half an acre. The house was situated in the centre of the field and various landmarks orbited the home. Surrounding the property was a seven-foot tall wooden fence that couldn't seem to keep me penned in because I had a love of climbing.

Anyway, there was a driveway that led to the front of the house. In a clockwise fashion from the driveway, there was a pair of tire swings suspended from fifty feet in the air and an abandoned chicken coop from the previous owners.

Beside that was a koi pond that herons kept stealing from. We stopped buying koi fish because it was treated as an all-you-can-eat-buffet for the oversized bully birds.

Next, there was my favourite tree that I scared my mother climbing, and behind the house was a barren field that could never seem to grow grass. There were always sandy patches and in the summer, the wasps swarmed there. I would avoid those.

There was also a garden, but sadly it was unused at the time since no one in my family knew what to do with it. A shed at three o'clock had brambles and blackberry bushes, and the garter snakes like to burrow into the base of the bushes. I was a morning child, and I would pick blackberries every morning to make "soup".

I loved all things soup. I was never a sandwich girl. Even in summer, I was more inclined towards soups that I could scoop up with the least practical spoon in the drawer. The smaller the spoon, the better. I also like baby food to this day. I just like puree consistency. Blended peas are effing delicious. Or maybe I have a severe deficiency. Either way, I hate large cutlery. Knives don't matter so much to me, but spoons and forks have to be tiny or the mouth-feel is all wrong.

Some people eat dirt because of iron cravings. I don't have that. But I like baby peas – or, rather, peas for babies, and I eat with baby cutlery.

BABY FOOD RECIPE DIRECTORY HERE!

Anyway, I've always loved soups, and I started with fruit soups and mud soups – which I did not eat. It was more like an abstract witch potion than anything functionally consumed. I have several perfected soups, but my favourite remains this one!

Lentil soup, to many, might not sound remotely appetizing, but stick with me!

I felt like Frodo in an anti-quest where I had to find as opposed to get rid of a magical item. It took about near as long too, and it was not in a location nearly as obvious as "Mount Doom". I had this recipe on the back burner for years as I looked for these damn things. "What" damn things? Gourmet, French 'Le Puy' Lentils.

Img_Spongebob_12_Years_Later

It was an adventure trying to find these very special, gourmet lentils. You can use your ordinary, split-pea-looking mf'rs too, but when you soak them overnight, they have a tendency to be mushier.

Img7883664783 mushy red lentils.

I mean, if you like the consistency of baby shit, do it that way, but the Le Puy lentils hold up far better. If you can't find Le Puy, which, I understand, they're a bit of an elevated ingredient, you can substitute any of the harder, rounder lentils such as the Beluga lentil.

Img9937366 side-by-side example of the preferable lentils.

I made it with that one too, but you just have to make sure you really soak those bitches for the full twenty-four hours. It's also better if you skim the foam, boil them, rinse them, and then start the soup so you can get all the gassy shit out because then the soup won't give you indigestion. I mean, if you're like my mother and hate prep, skip that step and do your best impression of the French horn. I prefer not to do that, butt to each their own. :)

Img9932366 Smiling at the camera with a bowl of my famous soup.

It's a funny story actually – I know, I know, you're probably going to scroll down to the recipe because who cares what the blogger has to say, amiright, but for those of you still here, Cheers – but anyway, it was an absolute adventure finding these damn things. No grocery store around me sold them, and I wasn't pleased with how the recipe turned out with the regular lentils.

I wonder who is still around reading this. I feel like not a single soul actually reads this part. They might read the first couple of paragraphs, but as they get impatient for the recipe, they likely scroll faster and faster, so perhaps now would be a good time to tell my tale. I know. I'm blue-balling you. #sorrynotsorry

I am just rambling because of what I am about to say... it's a confession – one that I am putting out onto the internet, but one that I'm hoping no one will read. I will know very quickly based on the comments at the end of the page. If there are only comments about the recipe, I'll have my answer on whether or not people actually read my blog. I think that's enough boring stuff about my childhood for most people to get impatient and scroll.

Anyone see 1993 Falling Down with Michael Douglas? I admit. I haven't seen the entire film, but that one burger scene? Where all he wants is his breakfast and he just loses his shit because he's three minutes late and they won't serve it because of stupid corporate policy when the breakfast sandwiches are in the window behind them getting cold and going to waste anyway? Well, he pulls out a gun, and then whattaya know? Breakfast is back on the menu. And then, he decides he really does actually want lunch instead, and then the burger looks nothing like the picture?

Img_Michael_Douglas_Sad_Burger

I've experienced that kind of rage, but I didn't have a weapon – obviously. But I crave... not murder precisely, and not the feeling of power or control – that's so ordinary; I crave... snapping. Freeing myself from the ridiculous rules of society and convention and just going absolutely bonkers in the most human possible way. I have no intent to do bad things, just the desire to not have a connotation to every fucking thing I do and it being relegated to this or that because people mostly agree on something.

People in a group are the dumbest people I've ever met. Individuals who I know are intelligent become insipid meatballs in a group.

So.

Why does everything get judged by the group?

Why should the dumbest make the rules and laws?

Between the mob and the Tyrant, I'd choose the Tyrant.

So, if extrapolated to a larger level, societally, why are moral issues based on the ideas of what the majority thinks is permissible? If all of a sudden, tomorrow, the mob thought murder was fine and everyone unanimously decreed murder if not legal then permissible, it would happen even if those who were morally superior stood against it. They'd be the first to die for being opposed.

What I mean by this, is I want to live a life completely untarnished by the mob.

I used to be a part of a baking group. We'd have 'friendly competitions' and when we got good, we'd go to Christmas fairs and summer markets and sell our goods. There was one woman who I absolutely despised. We'll call her Karen. I mean... it was her name too, but she was a Karen. Oops. Preemptive past-tense.

Anyway.

We hated each other, and I don't remember who started it, but I sure as shit remember who ended it. We would do things. At first, they were pretty harmless. I'd swap the sugar for salt and then she would swap my lactose-free milk. I'm pleased to say though, that she lost the Pie competition with her Chocolate Banana Cream Pie by a landslide because swapping the salt and sugar in that recipe is not ideal.

Img38276 Chocolate_Banana_Cream_Pie

I remember the reactions of the judges, and it was the only time in my existence that I found myself agreeing with the mob. When you are the one orchestrating events, the mob's reaction is funny. When it's you being set up for the mob though... it's enough to make you want to set the world on fire.

IMG Mise-en-Place chopped vegetables

What you need to understand is that there was an escalation of events. I had no intention to murder Karen. It just sort of... happened. From the bake-off to the sabotage of my personal property, my fucks had flown. I swapped her salt and sugar, and she set my Kitchen-Aid mixer on fire. It was like an episode of Fear Thy Neighbour.

IMG Boiling Soup with a Floating Bay Leaf

The final straw was her wanting to change the direction of the baking group from traditional to some Vegan-thumping, plant-based, eco-trendy, ego trip of the highest proportion, sort of baking group. She pulled rank on me, trying to tell me I could no longer bake with honey, or with real flours, or with eggs, or with cream and milk, and that everything had to be "sustainable" and "vegan-friendly."

I'd had it.

I made the choice to elevate the battle just as she had. As Vice President of the committee, I had access to certain information. Well, really, everyone had access to the information, but I was also Vice President. That's important to know.

IMG Fresh Turmeric Root, Grated

There was a list of everyone's known allergies - food and otherwise. Karen was the only one with a peanut allergy. It was important to isolate the allergy so no one was caught in the cross-fire. I did not know how severe the allergy was. It should have been written there. Deathly allergic to Peanuts. But it wasn't. It just said, innocuously, "peanuts and tree nuts".

I swapped the vegetable oil for peanut oil.

She didn't have her Epi-Pen.

IMG Soup to Die For

I didn't call the ambulance right away. First, I experienced shock. Once the shock wore off, I made the conscious decision to wait for the point of no return.

I'll never forget the shade of red.

IMG Red Tomatoes, diced

It was like a beaten-up pomegranate colour, splotchy and discoloured with colours ranging from jaundice yellow to blood blister purple. She'd clutched at her throat as it swelled, and as her air became more and more scarce, she'd gurgled and choked.

She'd tried to speak - to accuse me of premeditated murder? - to tell me where her mysterious Epi-Pen was (later to be discovered in her car)? I'll never know.

IMG Spongebob_8 Hours Later

The incident had occurred in the communal kitchen where our group collectively paid rent. While everyone had been outside, prepping tables and a makeshift stage for husbands to judge the contest of "best cakes" with the central ingredient being "Lemon", Karen and I were finishing off our cakes.

I wore my air pods, nothing playing, and I meticulously iced my Lemon Chiffon Cake with Blueberry-Coriander Buttercream and placed edible flowers, mint leaves, and berries in the purple frosting while Karen tried to do something with her dense, vegan monstrosity.

While my back was turned, she'd evidently tried her cake to see what was wrong. With my headphones on, I gave myself an alibi for why I did not react sooner, blasting Ha Ha You're Dead by Green Day at full blast through my air pods with a small smile on my face as I heard her wheezing.

When a sufficient amount of time had passed, the moment seemed to stretch and my perception of time severely altered, I'd screamed, alerting the others, and they all came piling into the room. It didn't take long for panic to spread and while one person called the ambulance, everyone else searched the room, through her purse, her slacks, the first aid kit, for an Epi-Pen. None could be found.

The ambulance was late in arriving. She'd died before arriving at the hospital.

IMG Garden with Fresh Herbs

I'd been exonerated. By pure happenstance, another woman had left a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup wrapper on the counter near Karen's work station. At the hospital, it had been determined it had indeed been a peanut-fatality. No one ever suspected me. I'd dumped the peanut oil immediately and removed the evidence; mind you, no one had believed foul play had been involved. They didn't look past the candy wrapper.

IMG Simmering Soup

Saved by dumb luck.

IMG Pile of Picked-out Herbs

Now, I'm the President of a traditional baking group. I've got a husband, two kids, a cat named Meow, and the Dog named Woof (aren't my kids so funny?) and the world's best lentil soup recipe.

I have no criminal record, but if I did, it would be because I'm in possession of Schedule 1 drugs in absurd amounts. It's not crack, or cocaine, or heroin; it's this criminally delicious soup. These lentils were harder to find than a dealer (not that I have experience with that, of course).

IMG Garnished Soup in Decorative Bowls

Now, go on! Make this soup and enjoy! Be sure to like, share, and comment! I'm so looking forward to your feedback <3

BEST EVER FRENCH LENTIL SOUP

1x 2x 3x

Yields: 8 portions

RECIPE

Ingredients:

2 carrots, finely diced

2 celery stalks, finely diced

3 tomatoes, finely diced

1 onion, finely diced

3 cloves of garlic, minced

1 cup Le Puy lentils, soaked for 24 hours with a pinch of salt

8-9 cups water. (Adjust as you will)

1tsp Better than Boullion chicken stock paste (USDA organic) for every cup of water

Celtic Salt and pepper to taste (I prefer white pepper)

Fresh herbs (I use the poultry mix of sage, rosemary, thyme, and marjoram)

Fresh Turmeric (I like using the paste in a jar) & PEPPER!

Bunch of Cilantro (if it doesn't taste like soap to you)

3 whole cloves

Freshly grated nutmeg

Some red pepper flakes (careful if your kids are pussies)

Instructions:

1. Grab a big ass glass bowl and dump the lentils in the bowl. Add water until the water is near the top. Sprinkle some Celtic sea salt in there and forget about it until tomorrow.

2. Remember the lentils after 24 hours. Dump the lentils into a sieve or strainer, or other catchy receptacle, and rinse off the muck and foam. Boil them in a large pot (seriously, a large pot because stirring will be very hard in a small one and because you're never going to make enough) and watch with equal parts fascination and disgust as the foam bubbles to the top. Dump them back into the catchy receptacle and rinse one more time.

3. Add all the ingredients to the pot. All of them. All at once. Yes. Score.

4. I should say, retroactively, step 3 should really be prepping all of those ingredients. Chopping them is a nuisance. If you're lazy, you can roughly chop, but it does change the consistency of each bite and changes the flavour profile. I find I like it more and more the smaller the ingredients are chopped. (Don't cry onto the onions – unless you're eating it by yourself. Then cry away.)

5. Bring to a boil, and then simmer it for like... 2 to five hours. It doesn't really matter. I like to add whatever I have on hand. If I have bay leaves, I add those. If I have fresh herbs, I add those, but dried ones are fine too. I also like adding a little turmeric paste and the pepper activates the curcumin so don't forget!

6. Turmeric + Pepper = benefits. Without the pepper, you may as well dump the turmeric into the garbage for all the good it's doing you. * Turmeric stains like a mf'r so... yeah. Be mindful.

7. If you had fresh herbs and/or cloves, be sure to remove them! Or don't, but please do.

8. Enjoy!

LEAVE A COMMENT!

@susanlovesbaking rated this recipe as 5 STARS

I love this recipe! You're so right! The Le Puy lentils make a HUGE difference! I ordered them from Amazon, and they came in a big five-pound bucket!

@queenofthekitchen rated this recipe as 5 STARS

Hi Susie! I was wondering what the lifespan of the soup in the fridge is. And is this soup freezable? I made a huge batch and I don't want any to go to waste...

@goodsoup rated this recipe as 5 STARS

Single af and can confirm, the tears seasoned the soup beautifully *chef's kiss*

SEE MORE...

December 09, 2023 02:54

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