Group Therapy

Content Warning: Mental health, sui* reference

“I’m here! I’m here! So sorry everyone. Traffic was an absolute nightmare—”

“Sh!”

“Oh, shit. Sorry. Sorry Sylvie.”

“Sylvie, please continue.”

“Right. So, like I said, my daughter-in-law got me signed up on some dating app. I’m no good with technology. Dinosaur and all that. And if I’m being honest, I don’t know I’ll use it, really. She showed me some of the profiles, and they just weren’t… that… interesting.”

“Do you think they’re not interesting because they don’t measure up to Tom? Or perhaps because you’re feeling apprehensive?”

“I don’t know. Can’t say.”

“Would you like to unpack this some more? Or shall we move on to let the group share their insights?”

“Um, the group can share.”

“Okay, does anyone have something they’d like to offer Sylvie?”

“Yes, Sonya, I do. Hi Sylvie, Thanks for sharing. Last week you were saying that you have needs—a desire for companionship. Wouldn’t this be a good way to find that?”

“I mean the obvious answer is yes, but it just doesn’t feel right, somehow.”

“Wait, hasn’t it been like seven years?”

“Chelly, please let Enis finish his insight with Sylvie.”

“I’m finished. Chelly can go.”

“I just mean, I guess… Okay. Sylvie, it’s been several years since Tom passed, right? You’re already retired, you have nothing but time. Why not go out on all the dates? Why not go meet all the people?”

“I don’t have an answer.”

“Aren’t you worried you won’t meet someone before it’s too late?”

“I don’t know.”

“Jesus, Chelly. Give her a second to think.”

“What? I’m allowed to share my thoughts.”

“Why don’t we do a check-in with Sylvie and ask her how she feels. Sylvie? Would you like to continue or take a break?”

“Can I take a break please?”

“Yes, of course. Enis, last week you shared that you spoke to your mother for the first time since your brother’s funeral. Has there been any follow up from that?”

“Not really. Well, yes. I tried calling her again on Tuesday, but my father answered.”

“How did that go?”

“Well, he asked me how I am, which was nice—”

“Why even bother talking to him when he refuses to accept you’re gay? Why not just cut him off and be done?”

“Chelly, please. Let’s let Enis have his own journey. Enis, please go on.”

“So he asked me how I am, and then I asked him how he is, and we talked for about three minutes or so. My mom was out grocery shopping and left her phone behind, so that’s why he answered, he said. But, I don’t know… I thought I heard her in the background.”

“It sounds like you think he might have wanted to talk to you, and that’s why he answered?”

“I think that’s what I want to believe, but for all I know it could have been the TV.”

“Does it make a difference to you what caused him to answer the phone? Or is it enough that he answered the phone? If your mom was gone, he could have let it go to voicemail.”

“And if she was there, she could have made him answer.”

“But the progress of the conversation is still progress, right?”

“I don’t think a parent ever stops loving their child, even if they don’t know how to show it.”

“Thanks, Sylvie. I appreciate that. Sonya, I think I am done sharing for today.”

“No problem. Chelly, I get the sense that you might be experiencing some distress today. Would you like to address that with us?”

“Yeah I’m distressed: this is a load of crap.”

“Can you help me understand what you mean by that?”

“This! All of this. Load of crap.”

“Okay, I hear you. Why is this a load of crap?”

“Because what is the point?”

“The point of meeting together?”

“Yeah. We’ve been doing this for what, five months now? And what has changed? We are still talking about the same crap we’ve always been talking about. We are all just standing still, stuck in the mud or something. Stuck in the crap.”

“I don’t think I’m stuck; anymore. I finally feel like I’m coming out of the… crap.”

“I’m so glad this has been helpful for you, Sylvie. Chelly, Where do you think your feelings of being stuck are coming from?”

“Probably from being here, and not just getting on with my life.”

“Well, this is voluntary. We are happy to have you participate, but if you feel this isn’t a good fit, you are always free to choose another way. In the meantime, why don’t we check in with Dave. How have you been sleeping?”

“The new meds are helping. I’m waking up less, having less nightmares.”

“I’m so pleased that’s brought you some relief. Do you feel more rested during the day?”

“Um, well I guess now that I think about it, yeah I do. I hadn’t noticed it until you said something and I reflected. Yeah, I am getting more stuff done. Like grocery shopping is easier, and the laundry pile isn’t so big anymore.”

“That’s really wonderful. How are you feeling about visiting James’ burial site? Is that still your goal for this month?”

“I, uh, I don’t know…”

“Take your time.”

“I hate crying.”

“I know. Does it help to know you’ll feel better if you do?”

“No, because it feels terrible now. I just can’t get past… If I was five minutes faster…”

“Like it would have changed anything. He was obviously going to kill himself regardless.”

“Chelly, this is inappropriate. I’m going to have to ask you to please wait to share your thoughts until the next meeting.”

“Oh yes, please, put me in a box. Hold me back some more.”

“What is making you feel held back right now?”

“You! All of you! You’re all holding me back. I can’t move forward when none of you are moving!”

“Chelly, have you considered that maybe you are having some difficulty moving on?”

“Are you kidding me? I’m the only one who is trying to get us moving! Sylvie is just completely frozen in place—her husband has been dead for years and she joined a support group for people who experienced loss in the last six months. How did she even get let in?

“Enis, your whole family is on the other side of the world. Why are you so upset? You hadn’t seen your brother for like ten years!

“Dave is the only one who—”

“Think twice before you speak about my life.”

“I was going to say, Dave is the only one who, besides me, has had a real loss. I mean, finding your best friend dead like that—that’s awful. That’s a real trauma.”

“What the fuck?!”

“Chelly, I think it’s a good idea for you to step out and get some fresh air. Maybe you can rejoin us in five minutes?”

“Why should I go anywhere? I haven’t done anything wrong. Is speaking the truth wrong?”

“You have spoken your truth, but not the only truth present here. Please go take a few minutes’ break and rejoin us when you’re ready.”

“I’m ready right now. I’m not going anywhere.”

“Chelly, would you listen to her please?”

“No.”

“Get the fuck out!”

“What the hell is your problem, Dave?”

“You! You come in here every week acting like everyone’s mother so you don’t have to face your own grief. Look in the fucking mirror!”

“I do face my grief! Don’t you dare say I don’t face my grief, I face my grief every single day! Every night I call my mother’s phone and leave a voicemail telling her the random shit I did that day, or how much I miss her. And yesterday, her mailbox was full. I can never call her again. I can never talk to her again. She’s just… gone… and I can’t… I’m so tired of trying… of living like this… Where the fuck are my tissues?!”

“Thank you for your vulnerability, Chelly—”

“Not now, Sonya. Please just shut up.”

“She was being supportive. That’s her job.”

“I know what her job is, Enis. You can shut up, too.”

“Dave, where are you going?”

“Sorry, Sonya. I just can’t be here with her.”

“Today is particularly tough, I understand. Before you go, would you agree to some conflict resolution or breathing exercises—Chelly, please do not mock me. That is neither productive nor does it reflect our agreed upon code of conduct here.

Dave, can we try again? Will you sit back down?”

“I will if she leaves.”

“Fine. Fuck this. I’m out. It won’t matter soon, anyway.”

“Before you leave, Chelly, I would like to make a safety plan with you because of the comment you just made. Can you take a minute to sit with me and do that?”

“What? No.”

“I do not feel comfortable with you leaving under these circumstances. Can you wait until the end of the session and we can talk privately?”

“I don’t need to tell you anything.”

“If you leave now without a safety plan, I will be required as a mandatory reporter to alert the authorities that I believe you are in danger of harming yourself or others.”

“You can’t do that.”

“It’s not just that I can, but that I am bound by law to do so.”

“I’d like to see that.”

“I am doing this because I care about you, Chelly—Yes hi, this is licensed mental health practitioner Sonya Johanssen calling. I have a client who I believe is a danger to herself or others…”

“Should someone follow her out?”

“I don’t know.”

“Goddammit. Yes. I’ll go.”

“Call us when you know something, Dave.”

“I will.”

***

5 Years Later

“Hello! We’re here, did we make it in time for cake?”

“Hi Sylvie! Yes you did! Thanks so much for coming. And this must be Gary. Nice to meet you. I’m Chelly, and this little munchkin is the birthday boy.”

“Nice to meet you both, thanks for having me. What a cutie! Liam, is it?”

“Yes, that’s right. Liam James.”

“Wow, Chel, I can’t believe how big he’s gotten just since I last saw him!”

“Did you see he’s got six teeth now? And he puts them to good use—this child is eating me out of house and home! Speaking of food, there’s a snack spread on the table in the living room, and Sonya is pouring sangria.”

“It’s so nice to all be together again. It seems like life has been so busy lately.”

“I think the last time all five of us were together was at the wedding.”

“That’s nearly two years ago!”

“Well, we have an excellent reason to get together at least once every year now, don’t we?”

“Now that we’re all here: Chelly, we have a little surprise for you!”

“What do you mean? Enis? What’s this about a surprise? Sonya? Why are you all grinning at me like that?!”

“Well, we have all pitched in together and started a college fund for Liam.”

“No.”

“Oh yes!”

“You can’t be serious. That’s too much.”

“Not yet it’s not. Right now it’s $1000. But, over the years, we will each contribute some as we are able.”

“I can’t… This is…”

“Chelly, we are all so proud of you. And we all love Liam.”

“This kid is the luckiest in the world to have you all in his life. And so am I. I’m so grateful.”

“I think I can speak for everyone when I say: it’s our pleasure.”

 “Sorry to ruin the moment, but, Enis, look at the time. You need to go!”

“You’re right, thank you!”

“Where are you off to?”

“I’m picking my parents up from the airport. They’re visiting for two weeks this time.”

“Thank you for coming, Enis. Have a wonderful visit with your parents. Send them my love.”

“Will do. Bye Liam, happy birthday kiddo! Bye, Chel.”

“Can I freshen anyone’s glass?”

“Oh, yes please, Sonya. Thank you.”

“That’s a very pensive look you’ve got. What are you thinking about?”

“Oh, nothing new. Just thinking about that night.”

“Grief is brutal. You did the best you could.”

“I know, I know. I just can’t imagine…”

“And you know what? You don’t have to. You can just stay in the here and now. You can just look into Liam’s precious face and know that you’re taking it one day at a time, and that’s enough. I’m so proud of you.”

“Thank you. I’m proud of myself, too. I just wish he could have met his grandma.”

“It seems like Sylvie has stepped into that role quite beautifully.”

“Oh, she really, really has. It’s so lovely seeing her play with Liam.” 

“Gosh, he’s really got his father’s eyes, hasn’t he?”

“Oh yes, there’s no denying that. Speaking of, where is that husband of mine? I think it’s time for cake!”

“I see him—Dave! Chelly said it’s time for cake.”

“Couldn’t agree more. I think Liam does, too! He looks hungry. I’ll grab the cake from the fridge.”

“I’ll grab the candles. And, I think you mean you’re hungry.”

“I’m always hungry. Especially for cake. And hey, congratulations on surviving the first year. You’re amazing—an incredible partner, and a fantastic mother. I love you.”

“And you’ve been our rock. I love you, too. Before we go out there, I just want to say; you saved me that night, you know.” 

“No, I didn’t. You went to group that day for a reason. You wanted to be stopped. You saved yourself.”

“Every time I look at him, I think about what would have happened if you hadn’t…”

“Hey, we’ve got each other now. That’s all that matters.”