Formosa: Past Trauma

(This story contains sensitive content of sexual violence, physical violence, and gore.)

I woke up early in the morning, as usual. My mother was already awake when I went to her room, as usual; then, I made some congee for breakfast and proceeded to pull up the metal gate of our shop while she cleaned the dishes.

It was a pleasant autumn morning. There are no drastic seasonal changes on this island, but we always know that fall arrives when cool breezes are in the mornings.

I sat behind my register and looked around our humble shop. We sell sweets, teas, soy milk, fried dough, and meat buns when we can get meat. The shop is just a tiny square of space, but we keep the floors clean and the shelves organized. The colorfully wrapped candies and the jars of various candied dried fruits help the place look festive. And just yesterday, I set up a small table and a few chairs in a corner close to the streets so customers can rest their legs while enjoying tea and sweets. Father would have been proud of us.

As usual, I sat there quietly enjoying the intoxicating scent from the kitchen where Mother had begun frying the dough for the day. Then I noticed a young man walked by on the streets. He was the only pedestrian at this hour, and he also turned to look at me. Slightly startled, I averted my eyes immediately but kept a slight smile. Mother had been encouraging me to be friendlier to potential customers.

He stopped and opened his mouth a little, but immediately he gathered himself and resumed walking; He stopped again after a few steps then turned around and headed straight into our shop.

“Good morning,” I greeted him. His face has a kind softness to it, but his eyes are deep and striking.

“Good morning,” His voice reminded me of warm fires in the cold. “May I have a youtiao (fried dough) and a bowl of soy milk?”

“Yes, the soy milk is ready now, but you'll have to wait a few minutes for the youtiao. Is that okay?”

“Of course.” His gaze on me felt pretty intense.

“Please have a seat over there, and I'll bring them over to you.” I was pretty happy that my new setup was working out already.

He sat down and continued looking at me. His expressions were tender with excitement, but the attention was starting to make me feel uncomfortable.

“Is something wrong?” I asked when I set down his soy milk.

“No, uh, sorry, was I staring?” I don't think I've ever seen anyone so confident when flustered.

“Just a little.” I quickly added, “I believe the youtiao should be ready; please hold on.” And I retreated into the kitchen promptly.

“Ma, could you bring one order of youtiao to the customer sitting at the table?”

“Why?”

“Just...please?”

My mother shrugged and walked out front with his order. And as efficient as Mother is, I knew she would also ask him for the payment.

“Early customer,” She said when returning to the kitchen. “Nice lad. Smart looking.” She glanced at me.

“Well, I'm not going back out there until he leaves.” And I didn't.

The following day, he appeared at the shop again. This time, it was not so early, and the shop was busy with the morning rush of people grabbing their breakfasts to go on their way to work. I didn't pay too much attention to him but saw that he was the only customer who sat down to eat after he got his order. It made me happy that someone appreciated my idea.

The following morning, he showed up again, just as early as the first time.

He flashed a gentle and timid smile at me after placing his order, “I'll be waiting for my orders over there today, too?” He gestured at the table.

“Yes, I'll bring them over when they're ready. Sorry about the wait. You're quite early.”

“No worries.” He placed his payment down on the counter.

“Here's your change.”

“Oh, no need.” He replied shyly and promptly sat down.

When I brought over his soy milk and youtiao, he said, “It's really nice to sit here and eat.”

“I just set them up a few days ago. I'm glad you enjoy it.”

“I definitely do. And did you make these candied fruits yourself?”

“Yes, it's an old family recipe.”

“I'm a new apprentice at the import shop two streets down. Today, my boss's kids are visiting him, and I figured I'd bring something to make them happy. What would you recommend?”

“I believe kids usually like the Hawthorne flakes.”

“Would you wrap some up for me, please?”

When I was about to set down the wrapped-up Hawthorne flakes, he reached out to hand me some coins, and his hand slightly grazed over mine. I snapped my hand back immediately as if his hand were lava-hot, dropping the sweets on the table. He was shocked, too, “I'm...I'm sorry, that wasn't intentional.”

“No, no, it's me. I'm sorry.” I looked at the coins. “I'll get you some change.”

“That's fine,” He said. His expression became a soft realization as if he had just understood something.

“No, you've already overpaid for your breakfast.”

“Just think of it as compensation for startling you.” He smiled and put on his hat. “Good day.”

Subconsciously, I reached into the secret pocket I've sewn into my skirt, and wrap my fist around the small, folded barber's knife. I saw my mother looking at me as I returned to the counter.

“He seems like a decent fellow. Very generous.” She observed.

“Yes, I suppose so.”

There was a flash of sorrow on her face, and she said, “You don't have to be afraid of every man, you know.”

We stood there and looked at each other for a while before returning to work.

The man came bright and early again the next morning. Practically right after I rolled up the gates. He seemed to be in a good mood. “Good morning! Thank you so much for your recommendation! His kids LOVED the sweets!”

“I'm glad. Are you having the usual today?”

“Yes, please!” He sat down. “You know, I don't even know your name. I'm Zhi-Hao.”

“Jia-Lian.”

“Is that your mother in the kitchen?”

“Yes.”

“Can I assume that your father was enlisted for the war?”

“Why are you asking me all this?”

“I apologize. I don't mean to pry. My own father also went to the war. The Japanese liked to put us Taiwan lads up on the front line, so he never returned. My mother was devastated, of course. But at least she got to keep all her sons.”

“How many siblings?” I surprised myself with my curiosity.

“Got one older brother, a younger brother, and an older sister.”

“That's nice.”

“Sure, can't complain.” He chuckled a little. “My older brother is the pride of my family. A doctor! Me, I didn't do too well in school except for math, so they arranged for me to be a merchant and work with my uncle. Yes, my boss is my uncle, and since his kids are young, I will probably take over the shop one day soon! That would be nice, especially because I'm really starting to like this import business, there are always so many new things, new curiosities for sell, it's quite amazing.”

A chatty fellow. I smiled.

“Am I talking too much? Sorry, my mother always tells me I overwhelm people.”

“You're fine.” Something in his demeanor made me feel at ease, and I was quite amused by how animated his expressions were. “Let me go grab your order.”

This time again, he left some change for me.

For the next week, Zhi-Hao stopped by our shop every morning. He always arrived earlier than everyone and always left a little too much money. This move really interested my mother. “I think he likes you, Jia-Lian.”

“Okay.”

My response irritated my mother. “Well, consider it, my daughter. You cannot be alone forever.”

“I have you, Ma.”

“Silly girl.” Then she hugged my shoulders. “We have to learn how to leave the past in the past. The war was tough for all of us, but it doesn't have to define us. Besides, a new government is coming soon; it's time for a new beginning.”

I took her words to heart. Still, I don't think I would ever get rid of my barber knife.

After the talk with my mother, I've been opening up to Zhi-Hao more. I told him about how my father got to own this shop and how proud he was to be the first non-farmer person in his family; I shared with him how, before the war started, our meat buns were the most popular item and that was my mother's family recipe; I would even mention my daily tasks and how my mother and I had to learn quickly on how to manage the shop after Father suddenly got enlisted.

“You're very impressive.” He said to me one day.

I felt my whole body heat up, and my face was a burning furnace.

“You have such...strength! I can just see it in your eyes.”

“Please stop,” I turned away, but secretly hoping he wouldn't take my response seriously.

He smiled that warm and disarming smile. “I will not.”

Then, one morning, he looked into my eyes, his eyes beaming with a timid excitement, and said, “Jia-Lian, would you perhaps consider to be my wife?”

My eyes turned wide.

“I know this might be a shock to you, but ever since that morning when I first saw you, I felt as if I'd already fallen for you. I make sure I come here super early every morning just to be able to talk to you a little, and it always makes my whole day! I actually took the long route by accident that morning! But I kept doing it because I'm so drawn to you. My family is decent, and I'll be the manager of my uncle's shop soon, so I'll be making a good salary, and I can take care of you and your mother. I want to. Would you please consider it?”

“Zhi-Hao...”

“You don't have to give me an answer right now. Just tell me you'd think about it.”

“There's something you should know...” I looked around and onto the streets where more people had started their days. “Let's talk in the kitchen.”

After we went into the kitchen, my mother, with a curious look, went out to watch the shop. Zhi-Hao said, “Jia-Lian, I think I know.” He reached out and held my hands. I was so comfortable with him that I didn't even flinch; his hands felt warm, sturdy, and soothing.

“I know that hmmm...during these tough times, sometimes a girl could get into an unfortunate situation where...the Japanese soldiers decided to harm her...” His expression was saddened. “I know because it happened to my sister. She hasn't been the same ever since. But the messed up part is that we still have to be grateful that it was only done to her once, that she wasn't kidnapped, sent to military camps to be passed around.” His voice turned angry.

“Zhi-Hao...”

“And I know, I know how important this is for ladies, and how our society turns its back on ladies who were...injured, and I just want to let you know that I don't care. I don't care one bit about the hurt in your body. Sorry, that came out wrong. I meant...In my eyes, you are whole, innocent, and still every bit what I desire as a wife.”

My eyes were filled with tears, “Zhi-Hao,” I tried to speak through the overwhelming emotions. “It is like you said, except...” I gathered my breath. “We killed him.”

“What?”

“It was the same day that they had announced its surrender. That evening, a lone Japanese soldier knocked on our door. It seemed like he was lost or needed help, so I let him in the kitchen to give him some water. When he realized there was no man in the house...” I started sobbing, “He pounced on me. I kept struggling, but he was stronger than he looked, and I just couldn't get him off of me. I cried and screamed at the top of my lungs, and as he was ripping off my underwear, my mother sneaked up behind him and hit him with a wok.”

His eyes were wide.

“He didn't go down at first; just couldn't stand straight and flared his arms, so I hurried to the counter and grabbed the cleaver...” I could no longer control my crying.

“Shh...there, there,” He pulled me into his arms. “You are so strong. And you were defending yourself! I mean, I have to admit, I didn't see that one coming, but who knows what that bastard would do to you after he got what he wanted? Good riddance to the world!”

“There's more...” I took a deep breath. “We didn't know what to do with his body. We had no idea why he was alone and why he knocked on our door. But if anyone found out, we knew for sure we'd be executed. They'd made sure of that even if it was the last thing they do before leaving this island.”

“That was astute of you two.”

“We could barely pick him up, just the two of us, and there really wasn't anywhere that we could bury him...So we had to think...alternatively.” I needed another deep breath. “And when we were staring at his body, we noticed that there was so much...flesh. And so, we did something that was...unthinkable.” I looked over to our industrial-sized meat grinding machine, the one my father worked hard to acquire and the one that brought us so much business in its heyday.

“No...” His mouth had hung open.

“We didn't know what to do! We were so scared. And you know what? I was FURIOUS! I had heard stories about the soldiers before, but I didn't want to believe that all of them were bad. I thought I was being kind, but I was slapped in the face! I couldn't believe that it was happening to me, that it happened to me! I felt rage like I never did before, they treated us like second-rated citizens for all these years and right before they're finally gone, they have to strip us off our bones?! To Hell with all of them! I just did not care anymore!”

“So...” He slowly turned to look at the machine, his face horrified.

“Yes, we sold some meat buns the next day.” I steeled myself. “Special occasion.”