The Weight of Spring

Spring was coming and it was ugly. The sun had given up the fight against the smoky clouds. The precipitation- not quite snow, not quite rain- reddened faces and wet cheeks. What remained of the final snowfall had mixed with the mud, creating slush blockages on the sidewalks and streets and hiding the growing grass. 

He was plowing through the muck when his name interrupted his escape. 

"Chase." 

It wasn't a shout; It was no louder than if the speaker was right beside him. It wasn't a cry or a plea; It was said, like the answer to a question- like there was no urgency. Like she expected to see him again tomorrow. 

His sneakers squeaked in the sludge as he turned around. The bright incandescent lights emitting from the building he'd just fled burned his eyes as they adjusted from the darkness of the evening. Elevated above him on the porch, her form silhouetted against the light coming through the door. She waited patiently, arms loose at her side, for him to speak- he didn't. 

"Lorna." He stuffed his hands into the pockets of his jean jacket and fixed his gaze up at the starless night. One winking red light was slowly making its way across the sky. For a moment he too was on that plane, along with the two hundred and something other people glancing down on this town- glancing but not staying. 

He was shot back down to Earth by the sound of Lorna taking a deep breath, slowly sucking the damp air into her lungs. She opened her mouth, readying to speak- then stopped. Her lips moved noiselessly, trying to find words, the right ones, but failing. He didn't blame her. 

"Whe... Why did you..." She let out a huff, her breath visible in the dark. "Do you remember what I said to you when we met?" 

"I... Wha- what?" 

"Do you?" 

He thought back to seven months ago- a lifetime ago- and tried to remember. The leaves on the trees were in between green and shades of fiery red and orange. The air had crispened, a relieving cool down from the blasting sun that had never ceased all summer. Chase had darted out of his new coat closet of a dorm room, gripping an unpacked plastic box, and hurtled straight into her. The heap of books insecurely cradled in her arms came crashing to the ground, the sound echoing so loudly that multiple students and parents stuck their heads out into the hall. Chase felt his cheeks heat up at the sight of their small frowns and tiny glares. That first impression he'd spent so much time deliberating had just been made, and it wasn't as charming as he'd hoped. 

"I'm pretty sure you cussed me out," Chase said. 

Lorna sighed. "I did not." 

"You said if any of your textbooks were damaged I'd better cough up the money to buy you new copies." 

"I don't mean then, I mean at dinner," She said. 

After Chase had mumbled an apology and picked one of her books up for her, he hurried down the hallway to throw his unpacked box back in his parents' car. That night in the dining hall, tray in hand, his eyes scanned the filled tables for Cameron, a tall, brawny boy Chase had gotten roomed with by luck of the draw. After fumbling his way through a conversation about football back in their room, Cameron, seemingly fooled, had told Chase he could join him for dinner and "meet the guys." Some of his new teammates, apparently. But as soon as Chase spotted Cameron, sitting surrounded by boys yelling and flicking food, a shout from behind him pierced his ear. 

"Hey!" It was the same voice from earlier. He whipped around, eyes darting around quickly, searching. They stopped on the girl from earlier. She sat at a table by herself, waving her hand in the air, beckoning him to come over. Chase looked back at Cameron and saw the boy watching, but before he could walk over to him, Cameron turned back around to his friends. It felt like a door had just been shut in his face. 

Chase let out a slow breath. He looked back at the girl, who was still waiting expectantly. Sure, whatever, he thought, and trudged over. 

"You said a lot of things," Chase said. He was stonewalling. He knew it and knew she did too. But of all the ways he thought this might go, this wasn't it. He didn't know what she was getting at and was certain he didn't want to find out. 

Lorna squeezed her eyes shut with a grimace. When they opened again, the light from inside the building reflected in them less brightly. 

"I told you I came here to find my place." 

Oh yeah. She had said that at some point after her brief introduction and during the long-winded monologue she gave about her life up until this very moment. 

"I spent all this time hiding away- being a background character in everyone else's lives," she admitted, a small smile on her lips but her eyes fastened on her full tray. "I'm done with that now. If I wanna talk to someone, I'm gonna talk to them. And if I wanna do something, I'm gonna do it. Cause that's who I really am. Have you ever felt that way? Like you're not who you wanna be?" 

Chase picked at the stray peas left on his plate, for the first time acknowledging Lorna by bobbing his head. 

"Yeah, I do," he muttered. "I just wish it was easier." His eyes flitted over to Cameron's table, which had been abandoned by him and his friends and filled by a pack of giggling girls. He could reopen that door if he tried. 

Lorna looked up and smiled. If Chase had been looking, he would have seen the unease melting off of her face. Her eyes were bright- hopeful. 

"I came here to find my place too, Lorna," Chase said, clenching his teeth together to keep the bite out of his words. A frosty droplet splattered across his cheek. He raised his head towards the clouds; they were done holding back the storm. 

"I thought you had." 

"I... did." His voice was so strained Chase couldn't stop himself from wincing. 

Maybe she believed him. Or maybe she was hoping against hope. 

"So why are you leaving?" She whispered. 

Five minutes ago they'd been sitting on her bedroom floor, chugging soda, half-heartedly skimming through their textbooks, and passionately defending lousy movies that didn't deserve such a level of enthusiasm. Throughout the night, Chase had heard the rowdy shouts and laughs of boys and girls outside Lorna's open window. The only people out at this time were heading to or from parties, drunk or looking to get more drunk. Almost every night Cameron stumbled into their dorm room passed one in the morning, their door swinging open and banging against the wall as harsh light from the hallway flooded in. The boy would stumble around in the dark for a while, mumbling and laughing to himself before collapsing onto his bed. Every time it woke Chase up, and every time the pit in his stomach grew deeper. 

Chase had tried finding some common interest between him and Cameron (he could only pretend to be a football fan for so long until his roommate found him out), and maybe it was just because all of the effort was put in by him, but he had yet to be successful. With Lorna, not only was it easy, but it was quick- she had stuck herself to him after that first meal, and it was hard to avoid someone who lived right across from him, so Chase decided he could stand her until he fell in with the right people. But the months passed by, and that didn't happen. So she stayed. And the longer the two spent together, the more Chase realized that with Lorna, it was like looking in a mirror. They'd fixated on the same book series in middle school; they both had to have music playing through their headphones at all times or else they couldn't focus; they'd both eaten lunch in their cars almost every day in high school. 

It was like looking in a mirror, except his reflection's eyes were peaceful, its posture relaxed. It didn't tense and straighten up when people looked its way- it didn't care if people did or didn't. 

He hated it. 

Chase had just asked her to grab his notebook out of his backpack, which he'd thrown down near her. He'd forgotten about the bright orange envelope with the words "You're In!" printed flashily across the front, but when Lorna pulled it out, his body just about short-circuited. 

She had stared at it for a few moments, silence engulfing the room for the first time that night. "This isn't our school," she finally spoke, her eyes darting across the envelope. 

"Uh, yeah, I-" Chase's eyes couldn't leave the envelope either. "I was, um, I was thinking about going there. In the fall. Next fall," he stuttered. "It's good for my, uh, major." 

"You're a business major, Chase, that's decent anywhere." 

"Well, um, yeah it's-" he paused and took a deep breath. "It's city living, y'know? Smack dab in the middle of the action. And there are a lot more internship opportunities out there, right?" 

"Why are you asking me." 

"I'm not! I just think this'll be good for me, y'know?" 

"Okay." 

"Oka-okay?" 

"Okay," she repeated. She looked up at him, face illegible. 

"That- that's great. Okay. Okay," he slapped his thighs with his hands and sprang up. "I'm uh, gonna go grab... something... to... eat." He snatched his unzipped backpack from off the floor and rushed to the door, halted, raced back and ripped the envelope out of Lorna's grip, and ran. 

The icy droplets were falling faster now, blocking out any last remnants of the sun. Each one that hit Chase's skin pricked like a pinch. Both he and Lorna's hair was slowing soaking, with the sticking ice weighing it down. He rocked back and forth on his heels to try and fight the wind. 

"I told you why I'm going, it's for-" 

"Don't lie to me, Chase, God!" Lorna burst out, emotion bleeding out of her for the first time that night. 

"Fine! Fine! You want the truth?" Chase marched forward, out of the road, through the slush and the sleet to the bottom steps of the dorm hall. "The only reason I chose this school is because no one else from my town was coming here. I was gonna be this- this brand new person, with a brand new life, brand new friends- and I was actually convinced it was gonna happen. But it didn't. It just didn't." 

"Did you wanna be like your roommate and his friends?" Lorna asked, her face morphing into a look of disbelief. "Partying, drinking, hooking up with who-knows-who every night?"  

"No, it's not about that. People like him." 

"I like you. Chase, he doesn't care about you. None of them do." 

"Great, that's great, thank you-" 

"I'm sorry, Chase-" 

"No, thanks," he scoffed. "They could've, though. Or other people could've. I don't know what I shoulda done differently, but-" 

"There's nothing you could've done," Lorna stopped him. 

Chase ignored the heavyweight that fell like an anchor in his chest and looked back up towards the sky, ignoring the sleet falling into his eyes. The winking red light was gone.  

"In this new place, I can try again." 

"It doesn't matter. You'll still be you, just in a different city." 

"Why can't you understand?" Chase erupted, clenching his fists, his fingernails breaking the numb skin. "I'm just tryna find my place, like you!" 

"You're my place!" Lorna cried. "You think I, what, just came here and suddenly it was easier for me? You made it easier! Because for the first time, I thought I had somebody who understood!" 

Chase didn't speak. Neither did Lorna. Through the noise of the storm, a car a few streets down revved its engine. Just let me go. 

"Well, I'm sorry, then," Chase finally spoke. "And I'm sorry I didn't tell you I was leaving. But I want this." 

"I'm sorry, too," Lorna spoke, her voice shivering. "And I hope you get what you want. I hope you get your cool friends, and your cool status, and it's everything you've ever wanted. But it's never gonna feel easier- life won't- cause it's never gonna be what you need." 

Lorna backed away, grabbing the door handle and yanking it towards her. As she fled back into the building, she let the wind slam the door shut behind her, giving Chase no chance to run up and stop her. 

He stared at the door until the storm had enveloped him and he could hardly see it anymore. When he could no longer feel his face, he turned around, tramped hunched over through the slush, and fooled himself into embracing the springtime.