When To Die

When to Die

This was the fourth time he had died this year. The first occurrence only lasted a few minutes before he was resuscitated. Each seemed to last a little bit longer than the previous experience. Every time Lucas felt pain all the way down to his toes until he died, but coming back was even worse. It felt like the wind had been knocked out of him, but he still couldn’t breathe. He could feel the frigid fingers that wrapped around his organs slowly, painfully, retreat.

By now, he had begun to get a sense of when he was approaching death. It loomed over, hovering and breathing down his neck until he was right at the threshold. The next time would be no different.

Lucas shifted slightly in his hospital bed. The sheets were always so scratchy and uncomfortable. Weakness sapped his energy and normal abundant enthusiasm. An invisible dark cloud hung in the room, leaving a humid, moldy taste in the air.

His elderly mother walked into the room, noticing how Lucas’ head didn’t even lift to acknowledge her. She strode to his bedside and kissed his forehead. “I’m sorry Lucas.” She said. “I can’t believe the transplant failed so quickly.” He only sighed in response.

She pulled back to study his face. It was gaunt and pale. What once had been full cheekbones and a heavy jaw was now lean. His usually thick black hair was thin, and his hairline was beginning to recede. Still, she pushed his hair back like she always had and kissed his forehead again.

Lucas weakly squeezed her hand. She had supported him without fail since he had been diagnosed with end stage kidney failure a year and a half ago. His face twisted with the memory. The shock still shook him to his core. He was only 27. His life only just started, or so he had thought.

He didn’t want to tell his mom. He watched her collapse on the recliner next to his bed. The wrinkles sagged more than usual. He knew this time would be even harder on her, but he couldn’t bring himself to tell her that he could feel a crack in his body, like his soul would start to leak out any minute.

Despite the pain, he was not afraid. In fact, he felt a hum of anticipation in his chest. Dying meant he got to see her again. The invisible cloud sank closer, fuzzing his vision. The pain started flooding his body, down to his toes. He lifted a finger towards his mom. “I love you Mum.” He said as his eyelids sunk.

He recalled the first time he died. It was everything he expected but also nothing he had ever expected. The light drew him out and away from his body yes, but a darkness hung over the horizon. He walked on a thin path with tall yellow grass like curtains on either side that disappeared into thick mist. A shadow had approached him. Tall, dark, with a long black cloak holding what he immediately recognized as the Grim Reaper’s scythe. The fear almost choked him as the Grim Reaper motioned with a gloved hand down a small path leading to the unknown. But he had tripped, and inadvertently caught himself on the Grim Reaper’s cloak. It fell with surprising ease, and shock had quickly replaced the fear when he came face to face with the most striking woman he had ever seen.

At first, she hid her hair and her face again with the oversized cloak. Lucas had attempted to make eye contact with her as they walked down path, but she avoided his gaze.

“You know you don’t have to hide your face. I’ve already seen you. What’s your name?”

She stayed silent for a while.

“You know, you’re not what I expected.”

Silence.

He stared at the darkness at the other end of the horizon. He couldn’t stop the strange mix of curiosity and fear that vibrated his voice. “What is over there? On the other side of that darkness?”

To his surprise, she answered him with a voice like light brown velvet. “It depends.”

“On what?”

“On you.”

           Silence again.

           “It’s Lorelai by the way, and you’re the first person to ever really notice…or ask.”

           He simply smiled.

From that moment on, she opened up like a flower soaking in a spring rain. She asked question after question about his life and his family. He talked willingly, and she listened genuinely. He couldn’t deny there seemed to be a connection, like an invisible string between them. Even though they had talked for hours, it felt like mere minutes before he had been brought back to life.

It was she who was the cause of his anticipation now. As his soul separated from his body, he leapt up and sprinted from the room. The light couldn’t even keep up, and he bolted straight for the darkness and the tall shadow.

“Lorelei!” He said, relishing the strength and enthusiasm that was now in his voice. The shadow turned abruptly and pushed back the hood of the black cloak. He grinned at the shock that moved across her face. He liked to surprise her, surprise always darkened the freckles scattered across her little nose. “Lucas? How are you back here already? I thought you had a kidney transplant in order after the last time you died!”

He threw his arms in the air. “Well, it failed. Does that matter? I’m here with you now.”

“No Lucas! That’s not what you want.”

“It is.” He said. “Lorelai it is. I’m tired of fighting. I’m tired of the pain, the scratchy hospital sheets. I just want to stay with you.”

The look in her eyes reminded him of the second time he had died, and had begun to notice little things about her that just stuck with him. Maybe it was how her eyes held a depth to them, like a thick bed of rich moss. Maybe it was the way she leaned against her scythe, her cheek touching the staff like an old friend. Maybe it was because as she led him along the path to who knows where, he noticed she wore ridiculously tall boots just to seem taller.

He had noticed the tilt of her mouth when she laughed, which was a lot when he discovered she liked to laugh at his terribly unfunny jokes. That time, however, she’d asked him a simple question about how he’d died. Despite feeling vulnerable, Lucas couldn’t help but share feelings and thoughts he hadn’t shared with anyone else, and she reciprocated equally.

“I’ve honestly never met anyone like you.” He said breathlessly. 

Pink stained her pale cheeks. “Would it be cliché of me to say the same thing?”

 Now she just sighed and motioned for him to follow her. They walked in silence for a few minutes, the humid, moldy smell and complete lack of noise other than their steps filling the void.

“They’re going to bring you back again.” She said.

He sighed. “I know.” He shoved his hands in his pocket, ignoring the goosebumps growing on his arms.

Even though the silence was suffocatingly loud, Lucas was comfortable just being there with Lorelai. As they walked, she moved her scythe back and forth on either side of the pathway, slicing the yellow grass that grew so quickly in-between his visits like cutting cake.

“Is your mom ok?” She asked, glancing at him with her eyebrows knit together. Concern. He loved that she was concerned about his mom.

He gave a half-hearted smile back. “She will be.”

“She needs you Lucas. You have to go back.”

She was right. She was always right, but he wouldn’t admit it out loud. In all of their conversations during his past death experiences, her insight and wisdom astonished him. She was just so easy to talk to. He’d never been very comfortable with women, didn’t like to talk much.

He kicked an obsidian black rock and sent it skittering across the path and into the yellow grass. It disappeared just on the other side.

She stopped walking and put her hand on his shoulder. It was cold, as usual, but this time he noticed that her gloves were gone, and she had painted her almond fingernails a shiny copper color. They matched her hair and set off her rich eyes.

“Do you want me to leave?” His question lingered in the air, flirting between them. She didn’t answer right away, instead she looked down and rubbed the scythe between her index finger and thumb the way she did when she felt nervous.

He closed the gap between them, not needing an answer. As his lips touched hers ever so lightly, he tasted bitter chocolate and inhaled the heavy scent of charred ash.

Suddenly, awareness came to him of pain deep inside his body. It was a thawing pain that was slowing spreading from the center. He was pulled away from her lips before they had even fully met.

“No!” As his body dragged his soul through the dead weeds, tears sprung to his eyes. He watched Lorelai’s hand remain extended, the look on her face indecipherable. He cursed under his breath. He was alive.

Lucas gasped as the ice-cold grip on his organs melted, and they struggled to life. His vision slowly cleared, and the monotonous beeping of the hospital monitors drowned him. He felt dull and lifeless.

The doctor and nurses were staring intently into his face. He heard the doctor tell him he was “lucky to be alive again.” His mother clutched at her chest, her cheeks wet from crying.

He groaned and turned his head to the side, desperately trying to shut out this world by squeezing his eyes tight and wrapping his arm across his chest. It ached, and his mouth was salty from tears.

The doctor motioned to his mother to come out into the hallway. She pushed his hair back and kissed his forehead, saying “I’m so relieved you came back, don’t do that to me again,” before she followed the doctor out of the room.

Lucas couldn’t open his eyes. He couldn’t bear to see the room he had been stuck in for three months straight. He’d been in the hospital more than his own home in the last year, and he just couldn’t take it anymore.

He escaped to her in his mind.

The third time he had died he was ready with a list of questions to ask Lorelai. She had been surprised by his interest, cautiously answering every one with an honesty that was refreshing. His exuberance couldn’t be contained, and he noticed that the more of himself he was, the more she smiled at him.

She had worn her hair down instead of up off her face in a bun that time. It was the first time he had noticed the color of her hair. As they walked, she had let him swing the scythe back and forth to cut the grass, her hand tucked in the crook of his arm. She had become as familiar and comfortable to him as his own face. Being with her was a breath of fresh air, a bright reprieve from the darkness that had shrouded the last nearly two years of his life.

He had to get back to her. He blew out his breath and gritted his teeth. He would have to die, again, for the fifth time.

Over the next few days, Lucas made every effort he could, in secret, to sabotage his own recovery. He couldn’t bring himself to completely give up, but he wasn’t fighting anymore. He’d forget to take his medicine, he’d refuse to leave his room, he ate and drank only a little when someone was watching, and nothing when he was alone. It was actually rather easy to give in to the weakness and pain in his body. It seeped like liquid honey dripping from a spoon.

After a week, the cloud returned to hover over his head and the haze set in behind his eyes. He was so close. The only thing that made it hard was his mother. She had been by herself, except for him, since his father left when he was two. Now her hand frequently stayed over her heart, and her face twisted with desperation as she watched him wither away like a dying plant.

After eleven days, even Lucas’ doctor agreed that he was slipping away. He was barely aware enough to hear him explaining, but his mother’s sobs caught in the last spiderweb of his consciousness, and hung there like a scarecrow. The only thing that alleviated the hurt was thinking of Lorelai.

When his soul lifted away, he didn’t run as he had the last few times. He paused, watching his mother as she buried her head in the bed next to his hand. His heart lurched at the sight and a momentary flicker of regret passed through him. He knew he had to turn away, or he would second-guess himself even further.

As soon as he saw Lorelai ambling towards him however, the hesitation vanished. He took huge steps towards her, with his smile stretching to his eyes. Despite the thick silence, music played in his ear.

She was wearing the hood of her cloak and he was taken back by the deep sadness in her face. It was a strange look, one he had never seen on her face before. As she met his eyes, she half-smiled at him. It just about broke his heart.

He took her wintry hand in his, feeling warm despite the chill. “Lorelai, I can’t stay away from you and I don’t want to. It’s not worth it to be alive if I can’t see you.”

She choked back a lump in her throat and put her hand on his cheek. The health and warmth of it made her heart skip a beat. “Lucas, I want to be with you just as much as you want to be with me. But you can’t leave your mother like that. It’s not your time. You have so much that you need to do.”

Lucas shook his head emphatically. He squeezed her hand a little too tight. She touched her forehead to his softly, exhaling a warm, smoky breath on his face. “You already know that. I can feel it. Listen to that voice. It’s telling you to come back and live. Not just for your mother, or for me, but for yourself.”

He met her lips again, noticing how the bitter chocolate tasted sweeter somehow this time. “I will miss you, every day.”

She hummed in agreement. “You realize that we will see each other, even as you live. You can see me as the seasons change in the fall, and all the leaves grow heavy and die. You can see me, if you look.”

He pulled away to meet her eyes. “Will you meet me? When it is my time, will you meet me right as I pass?”

She swallowed hard, wetness making her eyes glisten. “I will be here, waiting for you Lucas.”

He didn’t realize his soul was drifting back to his body until she was almost gone from view. The pain wasn’t there like it was before. Instead of the arctic sting, heat filled his chest like a warm drink of tea, soothing him down to his soul.

He opened his eyes and turned to see his mother still crying with her head down on his bed. He squeezed her hand tighter than he thought he had the strength for. She gasped as she met his open gaze.

“Lucas!” She embraced him, and pushed back his hair with a kiss on the forehead. “I’m so relieved you came back. Please, don’t do that to me again.”

He smiled. “I won’t Mum.”