A Sunset Over the Ocean

It was probably the fact that we were on our second bottle of wine and we had been talking all day so when she asked me how he smelled like, I didn’t even think.

“Like a sunset over the ocean. Right before the sun touches the water.”

“What? What is that even supposed to mean?”

“Oh I don’t know. Warm. Warm and sweet. Maybe with a fresh breeze to it. And he’s there. But he’ll always be out of reach.”

“How poetic. You’re drunk.” I wasn’t that drunk. Was I?

When the conversation moved on to other topics, I pushed the thought of him away. The music at the Argentinian party blasted, people filled the dance floor and it was impossible not to move along to the rhythms. We made new friends, laughed and danced. The night was still warm even after the sun slowly set and fueled by the alcohol and the exotic melodies, we moved along the crowd, not having a care in the world. At least for a few hours everything was blurred. When the night ended I was blissful. Sweaty and blissful.

Of course that didn’t last long. Nights have that mysterious point where you least expect it but you know deep down, you’ll inevitably reach it. When bliss quietly turns into loneliness. It creeps on you without warning. I lay in bed, still drunk on music and wine, and rolled over. There was no one there. Just the weight of missing him, pressing into the pillow beside me. There he was again, slipping into my thoughts when all I wanted was to roll over and rest my head on his chest one more time.

I clutched my blanket to my chest, screwed my eyes shut, and tried not to think at all, praying that sleep would just wash over me. That just for tonight, I could break the endless loop: thinking of him right before I fall asleep, then again first thing in the morning.

But I knew that wasn’t going to happen.

I rolled onto my back and opened my eyes. The ceiling looked exactly the same, but the room felt colder than before. I pulled the blanket higher. It didn’t help. I wanted him next to me. How did I even get here? He was never mine to begin with.

And now, I was replaying the same scenes in my head every night. The same glances. The same words. Over and over. The hope that they’ll never fade, and the desire to forget it all fighting a cruel battle in the dark.

Hope usually won.

The next morning, after I woke from a night of tossing and turning, I stayed in bed longer than I would be willing to admit. “I sighed and covered my eyes with the back of my hand. This space and time the best for daydreaming. Before the day has really started and with enough practice you can pretend you dreamed the whole thing without consciously doing so. The need to feel productive overpowered my escapism eventually. The commute to campus was so automatic that I didn’t even seem to notice it until I stepped out of the muted metro station and out into the bright sunlight. Coffee. First things first. Through my headphones I was still listening to a soft tune when I got in line at the campus cafe. It hadn’t been a full two minutes and of course I saw him immediately. I hated the fact that even in a crowd I could pick him out in an instant. Why does the universe play these kinds of tricks?

He just walked by, not even looking up. Breathe. He just walked by. My pulse quickened and my instinct was to turn away. Pretend that I didn’t see him. But I couldn’t trick my heart. And he looked good. Why did I even have this thought? Damn, he looked good.

With my hot coffee in hand I settled at a table that was a little sheltered and texted Tina where to find me. We were supposed to do some work for class and I needed to focus my energy and attention. When I texted Tina I also saw that my last message to him was still unread. Of course, I did not need the visual reminder. I knew that. I just didn’t understand how we got there.

Lucky me, I could spot Tina’s red hair just as quickly as him. Just as she got her coffee, he got in line too. My great, oblivious friend of course talked to him. All I could do was watch from my spot. Then Tina pointed in my direction and his eyes locked with mine. No place to hide. For neither of us.

“Hey.” he said.

“Hey.”

“What are you doing here?” Thankfully, Tina picked up the small talk.

“Got here early. Just wanted to prepare for a job interview.” he explained.

“Oh cool! Good luck with that!”

“Thanks! What about you?”

“We have an assignment for the literature class we need to hand in.”

“Ahh, yes. You still drink your coffee black on stressful days.”

It wasn’t even a question. Just a statement about something he knew without realizing how much of an effect that had, how almost intimate it sounded. In that moment my brain didn’t catch up to any of this either and as a consequence just made the situation worse.

“Not all of us prefer to procrastinate and then pull all nighters.” I shot back. I could feel Tina’s look on me. Surprise, maybe even shock or simply confusion because she couldn’t follow. For a second I panicked that I had insulted him.

Then he smiled. He looked at me and smiled.

“Guilty as charged.” He joked and put his hands up in defense. With a friendly nod he excused himself and I was left with a million thoughts rushing through my brain. The coffee mug in my hand was the only thing I could still hold onto, but even though my hand was shaking.

“What was that?” Tina asked. I had no answers. Not for her. Not for myself.

I went to class. I listened to the teacher and spoke to classmates. Tina and I even divided the final parts of our paper and went about my day normally. After all I had been productive and that gave me a feeling of accomplishment and kept me distracted. Now I would get home and look forward to the pasta I had left over from yesterday. All I needed to do was return my empty coffee mug. Of course I should have known better. My mind never fully shut off, it would not stop looking for him. Especially not on campus. And there he was. I spotted his dark hair just as he turned around and again I could not avoid the direct eye contact.

“Hey.” he said. “How was class?”

“Fine. We mainly talked about the assignment.”

“Cool, cool. You’re walking towards the metro?”

“Yeah.”

Just like that, it was the two of us alone again, doing something as ordinary as walking home and yet it already felt like the involuntary highlight of my day.

“How was your job interview?” I asked, picking up the conversation from earlier. Small talk was safe, boring, but safe.

“Urgh, you know how it is. It was online so you just sit there, smile and nod and try to answer all their questions with the key words they want to hear.”

“But you can talk your way into anything.”

He looked at me for a second too long, and I felt that stupid warmth rise in my cheeks. A small gush of wind blew a strand of hair across my face and broke the moment before it got any more intense. Or was that just me?

“We’ll see about that. Unfortunately, they didn’t ask about Bollywood movies.” he joked.

“What a shame! Then it might not be the best job for you.”

He laughed. “Maybe. But I’m not always good at picking what’s right for me.”

There it was. Too close to meaning something. Too fast to fully catch it. We both turned quiet.

Without consciously choosing it, we walked slower the closer we got to the metro station. Then he stopped.

“We should hang out sometime… when we’re both free.”

I turned to look at him and tilted my head. He was his usual cheery self, probably not realizing just how distant that sounded to me.

“Sure. When we’re free.” I smiled. I wasn’t mad at him, I didn’t accuse him of anything. It was my fault, it was my own expectations that hurt me. Sometime. When we were both free. In a distant future. He lived within walking distance from the campus, I took the metro home. This is where our ways parted. A familiar feeling settled again in my chest. Not wanting the moment to end but needing to protect my own peace. We hugged. Nothing out of the ordinary. It was a short, friendly hug. We smiled at each other and said our goodbyes and when I got onto the metro his scent lingered in that space between my shoulder and my jaw. There, but faint. Like a sunset over the ocean. Right before the sun touches the water. Always out of reach.