An Indecisive Proposal

The night was perfect. Every last detail had gone exactly to plan. Donovin had made sure of it. Today was important, and he felt he couldn’t afford a single slip up. He pushed through his clammy hands and nervous sweating. It was the worst kept secret in the world, unless you were his girlfriend of course. Tonight, Donovin was going to propose.

Maddie and Donovin had been together for almost a decade. They’d met in the tail end of college and had been inseparable since. Donovin’s family was initially scared when he finished college and decided to move back with the girl he’d only been seeing a few months. Their minds changed quickly after meeting her, as they’d been charmed by Maddie almost as much as Donovin had.

Shortly after they made quick work setting up their lives together. They moved to New York where they’d each found lucrative jobs and were comfortably supporting themselves. Far from wealthy, but they’d at least been lucky enough to avoid the paycheck to paycheck lifestyle.

They both worked in marketing (the college course that brought them together). They were far from major players, but they were good at their jobs. A few years ago, Maddie had suddenly grown disillusioned with the corporate marketing world. It had always been a job, but she had suddenly found herself feeling oddly uneasy with her work.

She feared she was beginning to spiral, but Donovin was there. He didn’t completely understand, but he was there. He was what she needed. He always was. After months of soul searching she’d come to a conclusion. She needed to feel like she was making a difference. She quit her current job and took one up at a significantly smaller marketing firm that specialized in helping non-profits and smaller businesses. She loved the change, though it made the finances a bit tighter.

A light weeping woke up Donovin. He was confused to see the spot beside him in the bed empty. After coming to further, he made note of the weeping.

“Honey?” he said loud enough for it to echo through the apartment. The sound grew muffled, and he grew concerned. He rose from bed and walked into their living room. On the couch was Maddie, curled in a ball like a child after a bad day at school. She was holding one of several nearby tissues to her face in an attempt to stifle her crying. She couldn’t bring herself to face Donovin. Within seconds she felt his arms around her.

“What’s wrong?” asked Donovin as he cradled Maddie’s head to his chest.

“I… I don’t know,” she went deeper into his chest. Though she was getting closer, it felt more like an act of retreat.

“That’s okay,” Donovin replied, “ We can just stay here like this.”

Maddie couldn’t muster a reply, but that’s what they did. Donovin’s hand caressed her hair as she drenched his shirt with her tears. After a time, the crying began to subside.

“Do you feel like you can talk about it now?” Maddie almost crumbled into tears again at how patient he sounded. Each ounce of his kindness made her feel that much more guilty.

“It’s about work,” she says weakly, “I’m worried I might’ve made a mistake.”

“I thought you loved the new job,” a perplexed Donovin replied.

“I do,” she was still avoiding eye  contact, “It really is amazing.”

“But?” 

“But I just feel so…” Maddie finally looks into Donovin’s eyes. His heart breaks seeing the anguish, “selfish.”

Donovin’s confusion only grew as he gave his partner a funny look.

“What? What is it?”

“I just don’t think I get it.”

“What don’t you get?” Maddie asked, worrying she seemed crazy.

“You gave up a really good job so you could try to help people make a difference,” Donovin replied as if it was obvious, “You could’ve just been content and coasted by, but you wanted to do something that mattered.”

“That’s just the thing though,” Maddie replied as the anxiety of the situation began to induce a level of panic, “It was about what I wanted.”

“What’s wrong with that?” asked Donovin, keeping his arms wrapped around Maddie to let her know it’s all okay.

“What about you?” she had finally struck the core of the issue.

“What about me?”

“Money’s tighter. Things were even before, but now it feels like you’re supporting me.”

“So?” Maddie was gobsmacked.

“What do you mean ‘so’?”

A bit of a smile found its way to Donovin’s face, “I mean that’s kinda the whole point, right? I love you. I want to support you however I can, and even if it might not feel like it, you’re constantly supporting me too.”

“I just…” Maddie’s head fell again, “What if this isn’t the right decision? What if I’m just wasting my time and it’ll all just fall apart.”

“Then we’ll figure it out. That’s all we’ve been doing.”

That night didn’t cure all of Maddie’s fears, but it did put her on the road to recovery. In the years since, she’d stayed with the firm and had even done plenty of volunteer work with several of the non-profits she’d worked with. She loved her job, and eventually the doubts went away.

Doubt was something Donovin didn’t have room for today. For the first time in years, he was nervous about a night with his partner. It had gone swimmingly to this point. They’d each taken the day off work. Brunch led to roaming around the city which led to dinner where she was serenaded by a group of violinists. They’d been the trickiest thing to set up, but Donovin made it work. He frankly had to hold himself back from going bigger. Grand gestures had never really been Maddie’s favorite.

When they got home, a bit tipsy from some wine Donovin was not proud to admit the price of, they stumbled and giggled their way to their apartment door. As they reached it, Donovin told Maddie to stay still. He opened the door slowly and stepped in. On the table directly across from the door was the open box holding the ring he planned to propose with. He gulped down yet another pit that would reside in his stomach.

“Give me one second,” he told Maddie as he softly closed the door, briefly seeing her confused expression. He had to prepare himself one last time. He took the box in hand and opened the door. He was stunned.

On the other side was Maddie, on one knee, her own engagement ring in hand and a smile beaming from her face.

The world went away for Donovin. He suddenly found himself floating, powerless to the whims of whatever the universe wanted to throw at him.

“What’s wrong honey?” asked Maddie, “You’re white as a sheet.”

Donovin snapped to his senses and found that Maddie had guided them onto their couch. On the coffee table in front of him lay both ring boxes sitting side by side.

“I don’t think I’m ready,” pushes itself out before he can even think what to say. He immediately regrets it.

“Why not?” Maddie asks tenderly, gripping his hands that are now fidgeting restlessly.

“I…” he freezes, "I don't know.”

Donovin pulls his hands from Maddie’s and buries his face in them.

“I just,” he starts, almost struggling to breathe through the tsunami of emotions, “I felt so sure. I know I love you. I know I always wanna be with you…”

“But?”

A gasp of air keeps Donovin from speaking. Maddie wraps her arms around him. Tears begin streaming.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Maddie answers.

“I saw that ring and I just…” He broke into full sobbing. His head falls onto Maddie’s shoulder. Neither of them budge. Neither of them knows how long it was. What they know is once Donovin was in condition to talk, he had one thing to say.

“What do we do?”

Maddie smiles as she answers, “What we always do, figure it out.”