Inside the mind of happy Tae

“Your mind is very loud. Try to calm down a bit”

I turned around to find the source of the voice and came face to face with chest of a man. I had to look up to see the face. He was looking at me with a smiling face with sparkling eyes. I remember thinking to myself- “Blue hair suits him.” He was looking at me when he said that I need to stop thinking too much.

“It is ruining the place for you. This place is too beautiful to be sad.”

This is how I met Tae for the first time. I had gone for a solo travelling after a bad breakup and ended up at a sunset point. He was right when he said that my mind was very loud, because I stood there at the point and still missed the sunset with internet-proven breath-taking sunset. After that comment, Tae and I got into light conversation and before I could realize I was painting the night with colours of my painful relationship banter. We only stopped when my stomach started howling for food, although for an hour or so I have heard the same howling from his stomach.

When I looked around it was empty. Three hours has passed and night has fallen. I was feeling light-hearted. All I needed was someone who would listen. Tae suddenly got up and clapped his hands saying he was hungry and if we could grab a bite. We went to a local food joint and got ourselves a table. When the waitress asked for our orders, Tae asked her to choose for him and smiled brightly at me as if coaxing me to do the same. Nope. I ordered the known dishes on the menu and the waitress went off with a smile.

Tae pouted at me but did not say anything. I planned to leave and sleep in my hotel for the night after the dinner, but Tae had other plans. By the time we paid for our dinner, he had lured me into a night adventure in an unknown city known for its haunted streets. I was heartbroken, but not dead and thus I agreed to the thrill which awaited us. It was not a solo trip anymore. I and Tae spent my five days where he extended his trip for a day to match mine.

I came back as a happy person and a friendship for a lifetime. I could not meet Tae for next four years due to work pressure and the fact that we lived in two very distant cities. We used messages, calls and video calls to stay connected and grew closer. The sunshine to my life- Tae slowly became my inspiration.

Life was not easy for Tae either. He had his share of heartbreaks, pain and everything a human goes through but he always found silver lining in the situations. The only thing which confused me about him were the prolonged periods of absence. Whenever I asked him about it, he somehow came up with something which sounded poorly planned lies. Gradually, I learnt to ignore feeling hurt when he did not tell but kept on asking.

I remember, I was on one of my solo trips to mountains. The snow-capped mountain tops were shining because of the rare sun which decided to grace the area that day. I suddenly realized it has been two weeks since I had talked to Tae. I was keeping him up to date about the places, but he hasn’t even seen the messages. I tried calling him, but the calls went unanswered. It was gnawing on me but I shoved my anxiety about the situation aside and went on with the trip. I had just boarded off the train when he called me. At first, I thought of ignoring it, but then curiosity got better of me.

Me- Hello!

There was silence. All I could hear was loud breathing noise from the other side.

Me- Tae? Why aren’t you speaking?

More silence.

I was getting annoyed by each passing second and the time elapsed was 00:01:17. I was about to disconnect the call when he spoke in a gasping voice.

Tae- Mish, I, uhh… (gasp).. listen… t.. to.. em, me (gasp)

My anger evaporated in between the stutter and gasps.

Me- Tae, what happened? Are you okay? What’s going on?

Tae- (more gasping) I.. I m.. you… no, .. your.. address. Had…address..

Me- My address what Tae?

Tae- M… (gasp) at your….add…

He had started breathing more heavily now. It took me few more seconds to understand that he was at my home aka my address.

Me- Tae, are you at my home?

In between all the gasping, I heard a tiny yes and that’s all it took me to run out of the station to get a taxi as fast as I could. I asked Tae to stay on call and got into the first taxi I got. The nerves were hay ware as I sprinted into my building and pressed the elevator button as if pressing them would help.

I found Tae passed out near my door. I rushed to him and tried to wake him up. He slowly opened his eyes and flashed a weak smile at me. He almost toppled over and fell down as I carried his dead weight inside my apartment. He completely passed out as soon as I laid him down on the couch. I took some respite and looked at him. It was finally getting worst.

Tae lived a happy life hidden in the blanket of silliness, cheers, smiles and endless laughter. He was the one who picked my spirits up on a bad day. As the night descended, sometimes he cried and sometimes he just sat listening to the noise of wind howling which I heard along with him. There were endless calls without anyone speaking, but that were the ones which were important for his existence.

The first time I realized the extent of his trauma when someone shouted at him during one of our video calls. He froze and it was visible even from the grainy barrier of poor network, that he was struggling to get words out of his mouth. The child who wanted to go for haunted adventures could be silenced with a simply raising volume of speaking. Smiling Tae learnt life lessons in the most bitter way possible.

He hoped too much, his friends would leave him.

He smiled too much, his parents would fight endlessly on that day.

Struggling to get smiles for valid reasons, Tae just smiled for the world to hide the pain. Inside the happy Tae was a broken child who was being charred to death with the harshness of the world. I remember the days when Tae just called me and I asked him for reasons. Nothing bothered him yet his mind plagued with his memories played with his sanity all the time. Sometimes he talked about how existence was just a myth and talked for hours on his take on life and other things nobody would think Tae could think.

I am an overthinker and hence he knew it was me he could talk to.