Speak Now

“Speak now.”

“Speak now!” I said to myself again.

“Hello folks! My name is Ada Thomas. Thanks so much for joining me today!”

One year prior, on this same stage, I turned and walked off after my second ‘speak now’ prompt to myself. And that day was the second time I had done so in as many months. I vowed then to never put myself in such an embarrassing position again. No, not ever!

But here I was. And to my great surprise and delight, the auditorium was once again filled with lovely folks. Some, most certainly, curious to see if I would have a three-peat, some perhaps hoping to finally hear what they came for earlier or some possibly to cheer me on to finish what I came to do.

“It is my sincere hope that you will leave here today with a bit more than you brought with you. It is my sincere hope that I will do the same,” my voice is calm. I am calm.

I look around the room at all of the beautiful faces and imagine that each of them have their own strengths and weaknesses. It is a connection that we have with our fellow humans.

“I’m thinking some of you were here one of those times last year when I took the stage to speak and left without saying a word. Some of you may have heard about it. Some of you, quite possibly, have no idea what I am referring to.”

I chuckle a bit because I am so comfortable. It is new to me. This relaxed, anxiety-free feeling.

“I apologize to anyone who is here thinking that I will finally be sharing what I intended to last year. I will be sharing that on an upcoming Blog so please don’t think I forgot that some really wonderful folks took time from their busy schedules to hear me speak and instead left without hearing one word. That incident is what I want to address this afternoon if you would be so kind to oblige me.”

I scan the room and see a few expressions of disappointment. But I also see many of anticipation. I so hope that I do not let them down.

“What I do want to share is why I did what I did a year ago and more importantly, what I have learned about myself since. Of course, at that time, when I turned and walked off the stage without speaking one word, I had no idea what was happening in my mind and in my emotions. All that I knew was that I was overwhelmed with self-consciousness and fear. It is a well-known fact in mental health circles that we typically face our fears and anxieties in one of two ways. We stay and fight or we turn and flee. As you already know, I did the latter.”

I am taken back momentarily to that day. My mouth opened but the words remained in my mind and on the paper in front of me. To steady them, I placed both hands on the podium. It did not work. I was shaking. I felt the warmth of my face rising from warm pink to hot red to blazing burgundy. I felt faint. My heart pounded. I was terribly embarrassed and terribly disappointed in myself. I thought I could do it. I thought all of this was something I dealt with when I was young. I thought I had grown out of it. I had not!

“Since that day, I have done some soul-searching. I wanted to know what was at the root of my fears and anxieties. Has anyone here questioned themselves about such things? I am truly thankful that we live in a time where mental illness is not only accepted more than ever before, but also treated as never before. We must continue on this path and do even better.”

I pause and say a silent prayer that what I share next does not take away from what I just said. I decide to reiterate.

“Mental Illness is an incredibly broad term. I am not a doctor, I am not a therapist. I am not an expert in this field in any stretch of the imagination. I am simply a person who cares and wants to better understand myself and others. And so I share today, only what I have come to understand about myself. I have those who are very dear to me who deal with mental health issues that are heart-wrenching and desperately need more answers than are available at this time. My story is by no means meant to diagnose or to say that anyone else here today, or anyone who may read or see this later, is the same as me. This is my observation about me and it has set me free! It is the reason I am here today. It is the reason I am able to remain here today. Unlike my past two visits to this stage. It may speak to some of you as well. If nothing else, it will hopefully give clarity to why I did what I did up here one year ago.”

I hope some will relate. I hope some will understand what I am saying. I hope some will leave with more understanding than they came in with. And so I continue.

“I was so devastated by what happened that day that I began to dig deep. I revisited my childhood, my teen and my young adult years. One character trait wove a common thread. I was extremely self-conscious. I was overly self-aware and I was totally self-obsessed. I obsessed over my looks. I obsessed over comparisons to others. I was all about ‘I’! I was so self-absorbed that the reason History class was of no interest to me in high school was because my self-obsessed mind questioned why I should care about things and people that had nothing to do with me. And not once did I consider that this was a serious flaw. Whether, in my mind, I measured up to others or fell short, the common denominator of my focus was me! As I pondered this, I decided on a self-diagnosis, only to discover that it is a ‘notional' thing. It occurred to me that I suffered from, and had done so for as long as I could remember, egoitis. To my surprise, the word is actually in the dictionary. To be clear, notional means to exist only in theory, suggestion or idea. ‘Itis’ is medically used to mean inflammation. I have arthritis. I have had bronchitis. I have dealt with gastritis. So, I came to understand that I have suffered with what is in theory, egoitis. Inflated or inflamed ego. We can all probably think of someone we know that could be thusly described. And what typically comes to mind is someone who thinks very highly of his or herself. But I have come to understand that obsessively thinking poorly of oneself is also egotistical. Either side of the coin is focus on self.”

I scan the room again but I cannot tell if others are connecting with me. I realize that whether others connect or not, I need to share my revelation. I do hope that my words will resonate with some. And so I wrap it up!

“You may be wondering what inflated ego has to do with my inability to speak from this stage last month. As I contemplated the various manifestations of ego that had so consumed me for so very long, I began to consider what the opposite of egoitis would be. Instead of scanning the room assuming that everyone was noticing that I was overweight, I would be scanning the dear faces and hoping that they would somehow be moved by my words. Instead of assuming that everyone would notice the wrinkles on my face or my graying hair or even my poorly applied makeup, I would have looked at those around me with great appreciation for them in my life, even if for a moment in time. In other words I began to contemplate the benefits of being others-minded. Just the thought was liberating. Putting it into practice, much more so. As I grew to be more others-minded, I became less and less concerned about myself, what others thought of me or even what I thought of myself. I choose to suffer from humble-itis, or others-itis, neither of which are actual words and neither of which can be found in the dictionary. But they are in my personal dictionary. Each and every day that I focus on others I am less and less self-aware and I am more and more content. Many of you may be thinking to yourselves, ‘duh! That is a given! Consider others before yourself!’ But if someone had asked me, while I was living and functioning in my self-absorbed world, if I thought of others more than myself, I most likely would have said yes. I was too self-absorbed to even recognize my glaring flaw. And so I leave you with this. I love you, I care for you, I appreciate you and I think of you. It has been my pleasure to be with you today and share my heart. I am so incredibly thankful to have been set free from self-absorption and I thank you all for being a huge part of my new condition…Others-itis!”

I step away from the podium and make my way off the stage by way of the steps off to the side. I greet one new friend after another.

I love and appreciate each and every one of them. I am blessed!