Why I stopped believing.

12/30/2020

    My mom sent me a text early this morning. Dad is having trouble breathing. I am taking him to the hospital. 

     I was alarmed but I knew God would protect my dad and my family. Four days earlier my entire family got diagnosed with the Coronavirus, the doctor's office filled with silence as the news was let out. We had just been talking about how good our 2020 had been despite the pandemic. Somehow we got blessed by God during a tragic year. 

     We left the office happy, laughing at the fact that we all got covid one day after Christmas, pinning who could've been the one to had given us the virus a couple names got brought up but we all disagreed because they would never risk others lives just to be outside. 

     That night my dad had to take a breathing treatment because he was having a hard time breathing. I opened my bible on my bed and read it praying for my family to stay healthy but, I trusted God. I knew he wouldn’t let me down but somehow in just four days my dad was in the hospital but, I knew God would keep him safe. 

     I Facetimed him later that morning on December 30th, 2020. He was hooked up to oxygen but he looked normal. We talked about my mom interviewing for her new job, I asked him questions he would never answer because I was “just a kid.” and in that moment we just both laughed with each other. 

   I was a Christian my whole life. I went to church, praised and worshiped, prayed, I dedicated my entire life to God and I wasn’t ashamed to do so. 

   02/01/2021

    A month and three days since my dad had been in the hospital. We spent New years on facetime, and he called me on my birthday and promised we would party when he got out. 

   “In Jesus name you will wake up” my mom was sobbing trying her best to stay quiet on the phone with my dad. She called my sister and I into the room to say something to my dad before they put him on the ventilator. “I love you! I will see you when you wake up, dad.” I cheerfully said 

    Days went by and we would get on zoom to see him lying on the ventilator. He looked so skinny and he started to look sick. Some days were better than others but I prayed day and night. My mom organized a prayer call that my family and I would do every night. I knew my dad would survive because he was fighting and my family and I prayed even harder. 

    02/14/2021 

     The Texas freeze had been brutal to us. We had power, water, and everything that no one else had during the freeze but we didn’t have my dad. The hospital lost power a couple of times; we celebrated Valentine's day without my dad, one of his favorite holidays (my birthday was obviously number one) . 

     My grandma came into town earlier that month to support us. The freeze was depressing, I just wanted to rot in my bed forever letting the blanket consume me, eat me whole, devour me, end my suffering until my dad was back home. 

   02/18/2024

    The prayer call tonight my mothers dad, a pastor, prayed. The prayer felt good; the call was over and everyone felt good about it. That was the prayer that would save my dads life. We all had a special twinkle in our eyes. My grandma came into the room, saying random things, slipping in a few “Hallelujah”  . She was just as happy as we were. 

    Out of all the prayer calls we had done, this one was the one that felt so special and promising, especially coming from a pastor. 

   02/19/2021

    I am up late tonight it is around 2am and I am just doom scrolling on my phone. I suddenly hear my mom on the phone “okay we will head over.” A minute later she opened my door, her voice cracking, “Dad is declining, we need to head over to the hospital.” 

   It was around 3am when we arrived my mom prayed the entire ride. 

    My dad was hooked to all of these machines, one that was beeping super loud. I looked at my dad for a while before I fell into my mothers arms sobbing. The nurses came in for comfort but at that moment I needed my dad to tell me everything would be okay. 

    The nurse told us that my dad could still hear everything and offered us a phone call; he was in the ICU and we couldn’t go in. When we got on the phone we all told him how much we loved him and how he needed to keep fighting. His story isn’t over yet. I need him to stay, I need him in my life much longer, “I’m only 17” I say on the phone. 

    5AM 

     I sat in my room crying but I knew I needed to lean on someone. I got on my hands and knees and pleaded to God. “God please save my dad, let him live longer please don’t take him. Just save him. Please, please, please. God I trust you.” 

   11/14/2024

     I was diagnosed earlier this year with panic disorder, anxiety and depression. My dad passed away at 5:40am on February 19th, 2021. Three years later and I am telling the story of why I no longer believe in God. How could I when I begged him to save someone I needed and I lost everything forty minutes later. 

    I only got 17 years with my dad. He will never walk me down the aisle, meet his grandkids, he didn’t see me graduate high school and he won’t see me graduate from college, I was just a kid who needed her dad, bad and somehow God didn’t see that even when I begged him on my hands and knees.