the gratitude of memories

“It had to be now, like right now! I took a deep breath, slowly turned my head and glance behind me. He was turned away slightly, just enough. I slid down from the bar stool, slipped on my jacket and wove my way to the washrooms. My heart pounded in my ears, but the music was loud enough to cover it. Besides no one was looking for me. Not yet anyway. I had to keep reminding myself of that. I checked every stall before I locked the door. People could just wait a minute. This could not be helped.

               I pulled out the contents of my bag. Wig, dress, make up case, shoes. Everything had been sealed tight to save as much space as possible. Leaving everything wrinkled and a little worn looking. Thank the gods, that was the look I was going for.

               I changed as fast as possible, taking care to fold my old clothes neatly into an empty bin liner. I knew I would have to leave them behind but there is no need to be disrespectful. These clothes served me well. Maybe some one else would use them, and folded neatly they wouldn’t seem like garbage now, would they? I smiled a little, knowing that I was wasting time with this sentimentality, but I couldn’t help myself. It was just one of the reasons I had to escape so badly.

               The dress was a maxi skirted cotton affair that was specifically designed to both stand out and blend in. You took note of the dress, which made you miss the person wearing it. The make up though hastily applied made me look like an old woman, trying a little too hard. I looked like a dotty old dowager senile enough to think she still had a shot with “the young fellas”. Thank you, great aunt Doris, for that little tidbit. The combination of beautiful dress and aged face was a sure-fire way to both attract and repel. The real trick was by the time any one really noticed I would be outside. Really outside. With stars, fresh air, and open sky. Can you imagine it? I trembled at the thought. The promise of it.

               I took one last look at myself. Fixed the blond, grey wig just a tiny bit to the left to add that, slightly crazed look.

               “Just breath,” I told my reflection “Just breath.” I formed a desperate smile on my face. My eyes pleading and with out any more hesitation I slid back out into the night club.

               It worked like an absolute charm. Every person I made eye contact with immediately turned away, pretending they don’t see me. I sat back at the bar. Turned my head ever so slightly to see if he was still there. He was now fully engaged in conversation with a very pretty, young, blond lady. He would be distracted for a while I knew. I had paid her a small fortune to keep him occupied.

               The bar tender slid over to me with a smile so fake I could have laughed. I popped a paper bill onto the counter and his smile magically transformed into a real one. Looks like the disguise was a winner if I could fool even him.

               “I’ll take a shot of the gold” I said to him, keeping eye contact as I very deliberately added “for luck”. He nodded and took the bill; in return he slid me a shot of a pure gold colored liquid. Beneath the drink was a small, folded paper. I tucked it neatly into my glove before elegantly tipping the glass back and letting the pure taste of sunlight ease down my throat. This was it, time to move.

               I made to stand, swayed, steadied myself on the bar. I waivered again, stood and was about to ‘faint’ when some out reached out and grabbed hold of me. Excellent.

               “please” I managed in a raspy voice “please I just need a little air”

“of course, Mam” I was told briskly but not unkindly. “This way.”

I was led onto a balcony, for the first time in my life. I tried not to gawk at the sky, the night alive with tiny pin pricks of light as the giant moon floated serenely across the sky. I hid my aww behind a cough which prompted the guards to bring water and a chair. Then I was left alone to recuperate. Mostly because no one wanted to be around a desperate old woman, especially a coughing desperate old woman. It was so easy to get away with anything when you’re old. Had I been with out my disguise they would never allow for “fresh air”, but once you reach a certain age, once the eggs are all used up and body is no longer useful well, a granny or two over the railing isn’t that much of a loss. Less mouths to feed after all. Sometimes the callousness of it all just blew my mind. It was not with out its advantages though.

Bar security staff positioned them selves at the entrance waiting for me, knowing I would have no choice but to go back to the party. Honestly, I felt a little bad about all of this. Not the escape bit but the part where these poor guys would be blamed for my escape. I hoped they wouldn’t be punished too badly. Maybe they would even be lucky enough to have a really quick death. That was something to hope for, right?  I couldn’t think about that though, instead I sent a prayer for them and got myself to the edge of the balcony. As I ran, I pulled the folded paper from my glove. One word hastily scribbled across its white surface.

“Surrender “.

 I swallowed hard, was that the password? Advice? Or my final thought before I plummeted to my eventual death? Time would tell I guessed, and let the wind carry the paper away.

               I looked over the edge. I knew that if I were to drop a pin that I would never hear it hit bottom. The breeze that always flowed up from the abyss blew steadily and I knew that it was now or never. I stood on the railing. My dress billowing around me as I uttered to word “surrender”.

               Something grabbed hold of me, knocking the air from my lungs. I was held, supported by some invisible force. As I began to rise carried by this …what ever it was, I took a deep breath in but before I could give voice to my terror and surprise, a voice very close to my ear said, “don’t scream, just breath, I got you” and suddenly I understood. I was being held by a man, and invisible man to be sure, but not that my terror had subsided I could make out the arms that held me, the body I was pressed against. I was safe. And on the off chance that I wasn’t. At the very least I could finally enjoy human contact that wasn’t correctional. Finaly I could know, really know what it meant to be held. Not held captive.

               The flight was not short. I had time to think, and wonder, worry and fret. I had been so caught up in my part of the scheme. The disguise, the escape, the danger, it was all so much. Soon we would need to land and then I had no idea what would come next. I was at the mercy of who ever it was that held me. Would they be kind? Had I escaped one prison only to be put into another? I did not know then, but I do now. They very fact that I can tell you this story should be a clue as to how things turned out. “

               She kissed the sleeping child on the head as she pulled up the blankets and tucked in her daughter. Her heart overflowing with love for this miracle before her. It had taken everything, to bring her into this world. Now the past was like some terrible nightmare. Still, she kept her secret memories. Determined never to forget and thus lose the incredible sense of gratitude for every moment that she lived.