Running in Circles

Ellie hated running. She hated the dull thud of her feet slamming into the ground. She hated the vibrations in her head step radiating to her head, the sweat pouring down her head and stinging her eyes. Most of all, she hated how much it took to get better at it, to get anywhere. But that didn’t stop her from going to the track every night.

She had everything planned out for the next two weeks. Midterms and college applications were fast approaching and she’d set time aside to work on them. She worked out reduced hours at work for a harsher schedule after midterms, she volunteered extra time at the Youth Leaders seminars so she would feel less guilty about not showing up. Their big show was the weekend after midterms, so she had plenty of time to shoot for those top marks in the meantime. That all changed when she received that text message.

Hey Ellie, we’ve lost two of our track members due to injuries, we need another backup or else we can’t go to the track meet. - Claire.

So she ran. She ran for what seemed like an endless amount of time around the track after school. Her shoes smacked against the damp track and each step hurt more than the last, but it was fine. She still had two weeks before her college applications were due. Her mind swan through all different ways to change her schedule to fit the time in. It helped distract from the running pains. She could eat while studying, she could cut into her sleep hours and make it up later, dare she say it, start drinking coffee. But she couldn’t shirk this one, she made a promise. They depended on her here when they couldn’t get anyone else. She still had time for her studies, her time for volunteering, and now found time for training. It would have been selfish of her to say no.

***

The track team returned from the competition packed in the back of their school bus. Victory wasn’t expected, being down to their backups, but the bronze medal was a nice surprise for their last minute changes. The other girls talked among themselves, chatting about gossip for some internet celebrity she didn’t recognize. Ellie didn’t pay much attention. She wasn’t invited to the conversation in the first place, but that was fine. She was the slowest one out there after all, if she had trained a bit harder they might have won. She wasn’t really ‘part’ of the team, was she? Instead, she took this moment for herself. There wasn’t much relaxing about the bus, the rattling of the steel frame and all she could smell was what she could only describe as ‘stale’. But she couldn’t do anything but wait for the bus trip to be over. She could enjoy this moment of respite for all it was worth, one of the feet opportunities to be off of her feet. She could let the exhaustion envelope her, consequence free.

“Ellie,” Claire smacked her hand into the ripped vinyl seat next to her ear. Whatever trance Ellie was in, she was fully snapped back to the real world.

“What are you doing for midterm studying,” Claire rested her chin on the bus seat.

“Um, probably starting on Monday,” Ellie wiped her eyes.

“Oooh, can I get in on that?” Claire asked. “Two heads are better than one, right?”

Ellie took a deep breath in before answering. Ellie studied better alone, whenever she studied in groups she spent a majority of her time teaching the basic concepts she already had down and had to go over the more advanced questions after the group was done.

“Sure, yeah, that sounds good,” Ellie said. Anything to get back to the place of half-sleep.

“Great, Monday it is,” Claire returned to her conversation.

Ellie laid her head back and returned to her world of fuzziness. It wasn’t much for sleep or relaxation, rather just releasing the tension she had in her. Her phone buzzed on the seat next to her. She didn’t notice though, lost within her own exhaustion. She didn’t hear her ringer either, there was nothing to hear. She never set her ringer on either, it might disturb the peace. One of the girls talking behind her, Naomi, found the buzzing too annoying and tapped Ellie on the shoulder to make it stop. Ellie apologized, thanked her and checked the caller ID on the phone.

Oh god, Ellie thought. So much for ‘me time’.

“John?” Ellie asked.

“Ellie, change of plans, I need you in for the week,” John said with his stern, gruff voice.

“The whole week?” Ellie exclaimed. “We talked about reduced hours, remember?” Ellie asked.

“And now it doesn’t work,” John said as if talking to a toddler. “And it's your responsibility as your job. Can I count on you or not?”

Ellie sighed.

***

Ellie’s legs ached. All she was doing was standing but that was too much sometimes for pain in her legs. And yet, she still smiled. She asked everyone if they’d like to try their new fried chicken sandwich combo for $12.99. It wasn’t much of a bargain, especially for what it cost them, but she offered it to everyone with a smile. Thankfully, she only had to stand for most of her shift, but she dreaded whenever anyone ordered a drink. The short step back between the cash register and the fountain drink station ached like smashing sledgehammers into her thighs. Add one more to the list of what she hated about running. Hunter sat in the back room on one of his extended breaks. We didn’t get breaks. But that was fine, Hunter always took those breaks. You could never depend on Hunter, she was the responsible one. Besides, her diligence looked good to universities, apparently, and anything to help her with her soon-to-be student debts. As a change of pace from the rest of the miserable day, a face she liked to see walked through the front door.

“Kevin?” Ellie asked.

“Ellie,” Kevin said, shocked. Ellie’s cheeks hurt from smiling, but she didn’t care. Genuine smiles couldn’t be stopped.

“Oh sorry,” Ellie composed herself. “Welcome to Holovers’, what can I get you today? Would you like to try our new Ultimate Chicken sandwich for $12.99?”

Kevin looked around the establishment, “There’s no one else here.”

“I know,” Ellie said. “It’s the principle of it. Anyway, did something go wrong at the Youth Leaders of Tomorrow conference? You’re back so soon?”

“Better, they’re venue got cancelled, and they need a new venue this weekend,” Kevin, his eagerness was clear to see on his face. Ellie dreaded the next word to come out of his mouth.

“The best part, they chose us,” Kevin beamed.

“The biggest and best festival hosted at our branch,” Kevin said. “We need as many hands on deck as we can get, can I count you in?”

“This weekend?” Ellie blinked. It’s alright though, she’d managed to squeeze in some studying after the dinner rush at work. Not as much as she’d liked, but it was something. The admission letters weren’t even due until next Friday.

“It’s the Youth Leader of Tomorrow, this is the big one!” Kevin said, he could barely mask the enthusiasm in his voice.

Ellie took a deep breath and forced the same smile she had practiced all day, “Count me in.”

***

Ellie held her soup spoon near her mouth. She was hungry but she didn’t like the taste of food. Chicken noodle was normally her favorite, and it could fight that tickle in the back of her throat, but her tastebuds rejected it anytime she put it in her mouth. Her stomach growled but the thought of food made it churn. She wouldn’t allow herself to get sick now. Exhaustion from the marathon, work, and then the seminar piled on her she could almost feel its weight on her shoulders. She could definitely feel it in her legs. She had managed to sneak in some studying time using one of her plans, cutting into her sleep hours, albeit not without its consequences. Just last Sunday evening, what was meant to be a quick one-hour nap after lunch led to a huge sleep, only being woken up by her Monday morning alarm. But that’s fine, she clearly needed it, besides she had all week to work on those admission letters, her midterms would take a dip, but she could make it up on the final.

Ellie stood up from the cafeteria table and took the soup to dump. She hated wasting food but there wasn’t an alternative. On her way to the trash, she bumped into a familiar face. Literally. The hot soup sloshed forward and poured all over them.

“Hey, watch it,” Jason said.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” Ellie said.

Jason noticed it was Ellie, but that didn’t quell his anger, “You know this is cotton, right?”

“Yes, I’m sorry,” Ellie said. “It’s good to see you’re doing better.”

“What?” Jason asked, his anger morphed to angry confusion.

“You were sick, you need time off work?” Ellie’s stomach churned. She flinched forward from the pain but tried her best to mask it.

“Oh right, that,” Jason’s anger and confusion disappeared from his face and he dismissed the sentence with his hand. “Yeah, I’m better. Anyways, midterm studying time, when are we going?”

“Oh,” Ellie said. She’d promised they would be studying for this session weeks ago at work. A fact she hadn’t factored into her plan up until now. “I can’t tonight, I need to sort out admission letters.”

Jason frowned, “Seriously?” That frown jolted Ellie awake from her stupor.

“But I can tomorrow,” Ellie quickly added.

“If you’re that unorganized to leave the admissions to the last minute, maybe I should find someone else,” Jason turned away from her. “Someone else I can depend on.”

Ellie’s heart sank. Someone else I can depend on.

“Wait,” Ellie ran up to Jason and grabbed his shirt. “Hey, um, studying is studying I suppose. Meet you at the library? Usual spot at seven o’clock tonight?”

Jason smiled, baring all of his teeth, “Great, see you tonight.” Jason tugged his shirt out of Ellie’s grip and continued on his way. Ellie stood there in the middle of the cafeteria. She registered that people were having to walk around her to get anywhere else, but no part of her mind could be spent thinking about sitting down. These past few days she could barely think. She needed to complete those admission letters, but first she needed to start them. The deadline was at eleven-fifty-nine tonight, if she ends the session early feigning an illness with Jason, take a page out of his book. Well, it wouldn’t be feigning as much with her stomach like this. No, she wouldn’t allow herself to get sick. She needed to keep pushing forwards.

She felt a bump on her shoulder. A familiar face that she had gotten used to not seeing.

“Claire,” Ellie searched for something to say. “It’s been since the bus, right?”

“Yeah,” Claire brushed the air with her hand, dismissing the statement. She placed her hands on her hips and leaned to one side, her signature pose for getting what she wanted. “Where’s the studying going to happen? You’re all ready for it?”

Ellie felt her breathing quicken, “Oh, um, I promised Jason to study tonight at the library.” Ellie rubbed her arm, the sleeve of her blouse bunching up near her shoulder.

“Seriously,” Claire said monotonously. Her expression flattened to that same unimpressed expression when Ellie had initially refused to join the running team as the last minute replacement.

“But, hey, three heads are better than two?” Ellie laughed nervously. “Usual spot at seven o’clock?”

“Fine, but you owe me,” Claire poked Ellie’s arm as she walked away. “You know I study better when it’s just you.”

Ellie stood in the middle of the cafeteria, clutching her arm. The half of the chicken noodle soup that wasn’t spilled all over Jason was still across the floor. She grabbed some napkins, knelt down and soaked the soup up in the napkins. It was hard to clean up. Her legs hurt from the kneeling sure, but her hands started shaking. She felt her heart pounding in her chest nearly as hard as her head pounded. Was she actually getting sick? Ellie suddenly felt like sitting down.

***

Ellie took a minute to rest. She sat at a perched view on the second floor, looking down at the large table designated as their ‘usual spot’. Ellie arrived thirty minutes early to work on her submission letters, but now she needed a minute to herself. Her stomach ache and the shaking had died down once she started typing. She only had to last a few more hours.

She typed. It was difficult. She wasn’t short of material to talk about herself, but nonetheless the fogginess in her vision made it difficult to focus on the computer screen.

She saw Jason out of the corner of his eye walk up to the usual spot. It was seven forty-five. She forcefully snapped her vision into place. This was her future she was working towards. She would need just a little extra time to finish these. Just until they started asking about her.

Her phone buzzed. It was Jason. She read the digital letters out of her mind. They rubbed up against it like sandpaper.

Where are you? We were supposed to meet up at seven! This isn’t like you.

Ellie bit her lip. Ellie pulled the curtains for her booth, enclosing her in her little space and blocking her from the view from downstairs. She set the phone down and continued typing.

Her phone buzzed again. It was Jason again. Ellie ignored it and continued typing.

Her phone buzzed. It was Claire.

I’m nearly there, got you coffee! :)

It was nearly an hour after their agreed upon meeting time. So Ellie worked. She worked and not for anyone else’s sake, but for her own. She worked on her own future. And it felt good. She had done all of this over the years, every little thing she could think of for everyone, every event, study session she led, youth leader seminar she shouldn’t have attended, all of it. It felt like ranting at times and bragging at others, but this was what admission letters were about, pouring yourself onto the page. There was a lot to write about. When it was all laid out before her, it almost impressed herself. This could have been handled early with a few hours to herself. As she typed she straightened out her posture, it got much easier to sit up straight. She typed and typed and typed, faster than even she thought she could. She rode that momentum all the way to the end of the hour. She might even be done with time to spare.

Her phone buzzed. Ellie peeked over at it.

Jason: Where the hell are you? It’s been hours! The midterm is tomorrow!!!

Claire: Hey, I can’t find you? :(

Ellie set the phone down and continued typing. This time, her smile did not disappear. Genuine smiles couldn’t be stopped. She dared to peek through her curtains at the usual spot. Jason and Claire talked to each other. Jason’s hand gestures got more flaily and Clair got increasingly louder with her frustration and subsequently shushed by the other students.

Her phone buzzed. Jason was calling. She ended the call.

Her phone buzzed. Claire was calling. She silenced her phone.

Her phone screen lit up with another caller. Ellie turned her phone off. Ellie typed. And it was fine.