I can’t say it…but

I am writing you… hoping I’ll finish it this time and not delete everything again and have the courage to send it. Probably my 10th attempt….

I don’t know where to start. I want you to know that what happened between us was not meaningless.. and it’s probably more meaningful than my actual marriage. I am sharing things that I haven’t shared with anyone else and will not share with anyone else. 

The person I married it totally the opposite of the person she pretended to be she I met her. But worse is that she is so mean, disrespectful and so so so so toxic. I saw many red flags yet she convinced me she won’t be like that with me.. but weeks after my mariage , everything has become so so toxic. My life was so good and now I am living hell everyday. 

Then when I wanted to take actions she pretended to have changed and we even decided to have a baby… now we are having a baby soon, and her behavior is so worse. Never in my life someone has been so disrespectful, savage and toxic. But unfortunately with the rest of the world she seems like a fairy and so soft spoken.. but with me she is the devil personified …

All that is because we share a fake love. And even if the little love we had was true, it’s gone by now. The way she treats me, made me realize she doesn’t love me . I can’t be true love. 

Do I regret ? Yes

Do I wish to never having met her ? Yes

Do I wish I could get back in time ? Yes

Can I leave her and my child ? No

Do I have a solution? No

Why am I telling you all this? Because , what we shared was the only thing I had that was genuine and true. And circumstances made me do some bad choices.. and I could not have found any solution for us and the situation back then..

But guess what, my life and yours are more or less the same now.. we both have or will have 

Kids.. I guess God needed to balance things… for may be making me realize things .. or complicate my already complicated life.

I know you erased me completely from your existence .. and I know you probably hate me . But know the more I distanced myself with her, the more I craved to talk to you or see you again. I know I cannot just come in your life and affect your partner or baby’s life.

But know I miss you so so so much and it’s not just now, I kept missing you but there is no one on earth to whom I could share this. 

Lastly, I know you heard some rumors that I did show your letters etc, but I swear on anyone I love that I never did that. That person who told your sis those lies, were saying really bad things about you.. like you like me because of my car etc.. and I got pissed off and stood by your side and said you are not like that and I also said nothing happened between us etc.. she kept on saying she knows you and that I am naive etc.. 

to my surprise some days later she told your sis I showed you msgs etc which was never the case. In fact I tried to protect you when she was bad mouthing you. But then your sis phoned me and made as if she didn’t believe me . I guess you will think like her too. But God knows what the truth is and some people who were there .. but anyway this is not the issue.

I hope one day I get to see you and we can have a proper conversation only you and me . No wife or husband , sisters, friends .. no one else.. 

update: 2024…

this year’s Valentine’s Day has been my worst ever.

I think I allowed the wrong person to come in my life. I know for sure , you would never have been this toxic or disrespectful.

But it’s not like I had a choice; you were never mine to begin with.

My 35th birthday has been terrible too.

I have been so sad. It’s like someone really did her best to make me regret my life and feel sad on my big day.

I wonder how life will continue and I hope I get some stability and that life becomes nice again .

I used to me happy and I used to be a king. I am nothing like a King now and I allowed some Lion to reduce me to a peasant .

But I hope I’ll be able to be the same old version of myself; strong and undefeated.

i wish I listened to others when they told me to choose well and that the one you chose will determine your happiness and future. I clearly didn’t do the proper choice.

Some consider me as some hero.. but I could not even be the hero of my story. I probably failed and this failure of mine is my biggest so far since it will affect me for the rest of my life. We all think we are doing the right thing , but time often contradicts us and shows us how we messed up.

life was so much better single … I was better to be a lone King rather than a King with the wrong queen or no king at all.

you might be wondering why I am writing all this now. I have to ! And may be one day reading all this you will find your answers too.

Some stories cannot end since they never started..

I can’t say it, but you mean more to me than probably anyone else.. and you matter way more to me than whan I can say or show. I will however tell you one thing, I miss you.

Anonymous hero