Gone with the wind...

Hello.

Don't tell anyone, but I wish I could disappear.

Of course, I don't mean that I want to die, but I simply want to cease, evaporate, and blink out of existence.

Simply put, I wish to be gone with the wind.

One would think that for such a depressing desire to manifest in a person's mind, they would have to have led an equally depressing life.

But I beg to differ.

You see, my life has never been far from adequate; some might even say perfect. My childhood has no shortage of nostalgic and heartwarming memories, along with the embarrassing ones, of course, but one can't complain much when it comes to those moments as a fundamental part of the human experience, unfortunately.

Even now, I can picture the moment I won my first and most prized possession at 8 years old, a bright purple teddy bear that surely cost no more than a pound, but that was my best friend and partner in crime.

To this very moment, I can still feel the scratchy sensation of her low-quality fur rubbing against my cheek as I drifted off to sleep, back when my plans consisted of how I wanted my hair styled in the morning and my dreams were nothing but promises of freedom in lands only I could conjure up in my mind's eye, ridiculous as that often may have been back then.

Then came my adolescence, a time when my eyes began growing too big for the rose-tinted glasses they saw the world through, and my mind and heart were slowly exposed to how easy it was for someone to lie and betray, to be left behind to wallow in self-shame and disappointment at my own willingness to trust too easily, and how easy it is for a friendship to end and a new one to begin, even if only for a short while.

But it was in my young adult years that I began to wonder, What would this world look like if I wasn't in it?

A simple question in the beginning, albeit a sad one, but nonetheless a question I simply viewed as my mind imagining scenarios ultimately outside of my control. I never wondered, “What would it be like if I died? Would people forget or remember me?”

No, I was more curious as to whether life would be any different if I was never even written into this realm of existence.

What would my family be like? What would the people I interacted with be doing if I was never there to interact with them?

Would the world be better? Worse? Exactly the same?

As more and more questions plagued my mind, I found myself moving forward in time without my mind catching up with my body or the world around me.

Then I was suddenly 17 years old and still wondering, "How did I get here?". then I was 18 when I asked, "Why am I here?". There I stayed in that unmoving square, while the world rushed around me, everyone smiling at me and uttering the same words, “You’re not alone; everyone was in your place once; you’ll get through it; you’ll figure it out; it’s completely normal.” 

And the faster time moved, the further behind I remained, only hurting myself and those close to me along the way as I drowned and desperately crawled through the muddy puddle of self-loathing I let myself sink into for too long. And even then, despite all those reassurances, I still could not figure out the answer to such simple questions as “Why am I here? How did I get here?”

Then I was 20 when I first wished it, "I wish I was never here." For I have never once witnessed the fruits of my existence, if not for me then for others around me. No, I only saw disappointment, mine and others’, while I continued to lie and pretend like everyone else, that I was interested, that I was searching, that I was only going through a stump and would eventually come out on top. 

Lies. Lies. Lies.

I am nothing if not a liar, though not necessarily a good one. Even at that, I failed, if you could believe it, just as I failed to save myself when I had so many chances. Chances I willingly and foolishly chose to ignore, despite knowing how that decision would come back to haunt me. 

And my, did those consequences deliver as they came knocking when I least expected them, crashing through my life and only drowning me further and deeper into my very own personal lake of self-inflicted despair.

I have many regrets. Far too many to count, really. But the problem lay in the fact that I do not regret those actions for what they’ve brought upon me, but rather for what they brought upon those around me. 

And so I sit, often staring at nothing as my mind is plagued with the wish to disappear. To be naught but the dust on untouched surfaces, the soft breeze of first spring, the dandelion seed blown with the wind. 

I wish to be nothing and everything, for I need to see for myself that my lack of existence brings neither suffering nor happiness, but simply no change. Because only then will I know that truly, my existence is meaningless, and I have brought no pain to the world around me. 

But of course, as I said, I do not wish to die, and so I live. I continue to breathe and wander this earth, aimless in my journey, while the world continues to shift and change around me. And I wonder, still, if my touch or footsteps add to that change whatsoever. But I guess I will never have my answer, won’t I? 

And until now, the questions still plague my mind as to why I am here or what my purpose is in this existence. Even as I stand here, or rather, float, I suppose, and gaze upon the place I once called home but which I now only see glimpses of and images with frayed edges in my mind, I still wonder if even my lack of existence made a difference. 

But then, perhaps I misunderstood my place in this world.

For as I float with the wind damp with rain, I see the world much clearer. Much larger. And only now do I realise how much smaller I truly am. I see not just how little some people affect the world, but also how some actions can ripple through time and have such marvellous effects. Truly magnificent to witness from such wide lenses, a sight I never once thought death would allow me. 

But it makes me ponder... perhaps I was wrong. Perhaps I always looked at the world wrong. My mind was too narrow, too closed off, and only now do I see just how much more freeing it would be to just live with no shackles. No chains of self-doubt, no stress about how I affect this world.

But alas, I am too late. For I am gone with the wind. 

My only wish now is that I can at least be remembered fondly, if only by my family. And perhaps, unbeknownst to even me as my mind fades like the flutter of a butterfly’s wings, I did leave a small ripple in this universe that will have such astonishing impacts.