Scratchy

*mental health / self harm*

Hold on, the line went a bit scratchy... Sandy? You're still there? Hi, Sandy, as I was saying, I think we have rats in the house, the night before last we were in bed and some God awful noise woke me up, and no, it wasn't Ian's snoring - you do grow accustomed to such things over fifty years of marriage, believe it or not - no, it was a scratching sound coming from the skirting behind the headboard, so I give Ian a good shove, no luck there, the man would've slept through Pompeii without so much as a twitch, let me tell you, although... I don't imagine he can be sleeping all that well, that rash is back, I told you about his rash, didn't I?

I keep telling him, stop scratching it, but will he listen? Anyway, at first I thought it was the pipes, you know? I swear the water system in this house hasn't been replaced since the Romans, I've told Ian, told him a thousand times, Ian, I say, we have to get the pipes fixed, one of these days they'll burst and it'll be me, you and the cats floating round the house on the bloody sofa like it's Noah's ark! So I get off the bed and I stoop to listen and immediately I can tell it isn't the pipes at all, it's quite distinct, the sound of rummaging against the wood like little claws, burrowing. Rats do have claws, don't they?

And the thing is, last night I heard the same sound, but this time it was coming from behind the cabinet, you know, the big one, the one with Ian's old tennis trophies, and I didn't even bother trying to wake the lug up this time, no, I jump out of bed and I pull out the cabinet and lo and behold, droppings all over the carpet! Not only that, but the same irritating sound started at the other end of the room by the bed again, and not ten minutes later, in the wall by the phone right where I'm sitting now- oh, I do hope they aren't chewing through the telephone wires, aren't telephone wires rat-resistant? I'd hate it if I couldn't talk to you, Sandy. Could that be why the line is scratchy?

Speaking of scratchy, I woke up this morning and my scalp was itching all over. Good job Ian's asleep because I've been telling him and telling him not to scratch and here I am scratching so hard my hair's falling out like it's bloody Chernobyl! I wonder if the cats have fleas, but... they've never had them before... Oh! I'm so stupid- Of course! It must be the rats carrying the fleas! There are at least ten of them now, all rummaging around, picking at the plaster, the persistent little buggers, I swear if Ian wasn't here and they all broke through at once, I'd have to call the police - for the life of me I wouldn't know what the hell to do! I've cleaned the bedroom though and, oh, by the way, I bought some of those new metal scourers, you know the ones?

Everyone's said how good they are, I've been all around the tops and the skirting boards with them, one in each hand like a bloody Dalek- Exterminate! Exterminate! They do the job, though, my goodness, the bedroom has never been so spotless! You simply must try them! Sandy, you don't think they'd work on fleas, do you? I'm starting to feel them on my arms and legs as well as in my hair. I hope they don't aggravate Ian's rash, it's already spread up his neck and over his face, I'm looking at him now, the poor little bugger. He hasn't scratched in a while, though, bless his soul - a fighter, aren't you Ian!... Ian! He could sleep through Hiroshima and Nagasaki, that man could. Hold on... Goodness, can you hear that?

There must be twenty of them now, how do they multiply so quickly? Go away! I don't have any cheese! My husband can't eat cheese! The willful little buggers, any more and they'll have the telephone wires, I'm sure of it... if the line goes dead, I'm sorry, love, I'll pop in that phone booth near the pharmacy on Wednesday when I go to get Ian's prescriptions. He's on so many pills now he rattles when he walks, not that he walks much, the lug, let's go for a walk, Ian, I say, but will he listen? Let's get you out of the house, Ian, it'll be good for you! No luck there, Sandy, let me tell you - oh - speaking of luck, did you manage to get hold of that exterminator that Ian recommended?

You didn't? Ian! Ian! Sandy says the telephone number we gave her for the exterminator is disconnected. It's a bloody shame, Sandy. So, I guess the rats are still there? Scratching, burrowing into the woodwork. Crawling all around the walls, are they? I bet you can't even sleep of a night, can you? Poor thing, how awfully cruel. How many did you say? Fifty now? Jesus, they're multiplying, that's practically The Black Death! What does your husband have to say about all this, Sandy, surely he... Hang on a second, love, don't go anywhere... Oh, Oh, those new metal scourers do work on fleas... Oh! Oooh! That's the ticket! I must call the cats in, they'll be right as rain in no time. Dalek- Exterminate! Exterminate!... Sandy, you're still there?

Your husband must have something to say about all this. Ian!... Ian! The rats are going to get through and Sandy doesn't know what the hell to do! Ian! Wake up, Ian! I'm so sorry, Sandy. The rash has spread all over, bless his soul. Sandy? Hello? ...Hello? Oh, no, the line's gone all scratchy. They must have got to the telephone wires. You hear that, Ian? I said they must have got to the telephone wires! Ian, I love you, darling. But goodness, you could sleep through Hell itself, you could. Bloody lug. Who sleeps three days and three nights without so much as a twitch?

I know what you need! How about a record! Okay, what do we have here? Aha! Glen Miller. Perfect... Isn't it scratchy compared to the newer ones! But all the best ones are scratchy, aren't they... Look, darling, I'm dancing! LaLaa! LaLaLaaa! Can you see me dancing just like I used to? Look at me go! I'm nineteen again! Oh, don't mind all the blood. It's only flea's blood. I'll clean it off later with my new scourers. Why don't you get up and dance with me? LaLaa! LaLaLaaa! Come on, Ian... Ian! Wake up!... Please wake up. Please wake up. They'll scratch their way in, Ian. They'll get through the walls if you don't wake up.