New Beginnings

I do a lot of thinking in my old age. A lot of life reflections. Time, as it may have passed me by, has never truly left me. My memories, my stories, and, if any, my regrets, they all seem to catch back up to me in these moments of reflection.

Maybe these moments are enticed by the evening sun. The Western set has a way of bringing out the most gorgeous shades of orange, red, and yellow. It alone is a site to make anybody stop and get lost in thought. I look out to the yard and am reminded of how these colors backlit countless princess birthday parties, camp outs, and summer pool parties. I need all mine and my wife’s fingers and toes to count the number of times I’ve had to pull out and air up a pink princess bounce house.

Maybe it’s easy for me to reflect sitting on this patio. The sun’s unforgiving nature has left its mark by taking a few shades of the stain away. But the smell of the cedar, the sound of the creaking, and the echoes of laughter are as brand new to me as the day I built it. I can still hear the pitter pater of little feet racing up and down the planks of wood as her mother chases them. This patio has been covered with confetti, water balloon shreds, Easter eggs, snow angels, and even shaving cream once.

Maybe it’s this Adirondack chair that has grown to fit me perfectly. There are four out here, but this one is mine. I’ve sat out here with my family and have shared some of the most genuine, straight from the gut, laughs. My wife has her own chair directly to my right. Just within my reach. She joins me on most nights I come out here. We sit together and enjoy our quiet company. She’s started and completed more books in that chair than I can read in a lifetime. Out here, we have watched our daughter grow from sitting in each of our laps to a chair of her own.

Maybe it could be this shepherd mutt of a dog. He has a place of his own right next to me. His favorite ball is never far from his reach. He just lays patiently and waits for my command. He wasn’t but 7 pounds when we surprised her with him on her 10^th birthday. Much older and larger now, but he still has his puppy dog spirit. I watched my daughter grow up with this dog. I have a senior picture of her leaning over kissing him on his nose. She’s wearing a pink dress with a white bow in her hair. He’s sitting down wearing a matching dress and matching bow on his collar. It’s one of my favorite pictures.

Maybe it’s a combination of all these things that have me sitting here reflecting, but they aren’t the only contributors. College starts tomorrow. The dreadful college. With the beginning of this endeavor, I can’t help but to look back at my daughter’s life and wonder if I have done enough for her. Can anybody really be prepared for college? I have never been before. I could not begin to guess what’s to be expected. I went straight to work after high school. I’ve worked to provide for my family my whole life. I’ve worked hard to do what I must and what I can for my daughter and her mother. I pray I have done enough to prepare for this moment.

I look back and feel in my heart of hearts that I have done enough. I have accomplished raising a bright, beautiful, intelligent woman. And I am incredibly proud of that fact. Still, there is the ever-lurking dad guilt that quietly tucks itself away in my brain. What if I hadn’t grounded her for sneaking out the summer before Sophomore year? Was I too hard on her for her grades slipping? I hate thinking that I may have been too strict at the times I shouldn’t have been and too lenient when I should have been more steadfast. Should I have given her high school sweetheart more of a chance? Probably not to that one. I never liked the kid. Maybe these doubts will always be there. Maybe I’ll always question some decisions I made attempting to teach her about life. I may even completely regret a few. All the same, raising her was absolutely an adventure.

Life is full of chapters and new beginnings. This is just one of those. A chance to start something bigger and better. A chance to improve. An opening for new discoveries. I have come to accept this is part of the process of growing up. The part that nobody really ever talks about. Growth and development can happen at any stage in life, and you have to be prepared for it. You have to welcome it. You have to accept new challenges. I just hope I have prepared myself properly for this one. It is a scary step for anybody.

This new adventure, mechanical engineering. A very tough program. I have actually been in the field for many, many years. I was lucky enough to be grandfathered into the field before degrees were a requirement. It’s all I’ve done. It’s all I know.

I am brought back to reality when I hear the screen door open and a familiar voice. “Daddy? You out here?”

“Hey, sweetheart! I didn’t expect you this evening. Mom let you in? You alone?”

“Mhhm. Just me. I just wanted to see you before tomorrow to wish you good luck and tell you how proud I am of you.”

“Proud of me?”

“Yes, Daddy. Going back to school is a big deal! You’ve gotten nothing to prove to anybody and here you are still making yourself a better man. I love it. You’re still an inspiration and I am proud of you.”

“I figure I can’t let you and your mother be the only ones in this family with a degree. And I can’t have you thinking you’re smarter than I am. But thank you, baby.”

“I am the smarter one, Dad. But I love you anyway. And you’re going to do great.”