She Gave Birth To And Killed An Eternity!

She looked like serenity. Laying on the bed, her eyes locked in a breath, with a smile, she cuddled in her own sorrows, fear, and mostly love. Love that she used to and still feel for the love she did, the love she held closer and dear to her, the love she never wanted to go, the love she wanted to live, the love that left her crippling, struggling for a single breath that could liberate her.

I felt like burning the world around me, escaping this body that suffocates me to my core, leaving me gasping on the floor, which felt like breaking open to take me in - I wanted that as I looked at his picture, tucked in love and sorrow, heartbreak and remorse. 

The calm on her face inimitably felt like a page turned a thousand times. Wondering if she could just close her eyes, she went home. A home that never was there, a home she felt in his arms, a home built in his eyes. A home that spoke of his words, and smelled like his breath closest to her. A home that kept burning while she was handpicking the ashes, preserving them in her heart. A home that left her no ground to keep a foot for the misery, while she took all the uncertainty on her chest to live the existence of him. 

I can't let go of you and I can't be with you. Whenever I am with you I feel like I am ruining you. Heck, I have ruined you already and I don't know how to stop that, he said . . 

Feeling new to the pain she had lived through a million times, in vain attempts, she tried to find solace. The pain that broke every piece of her existence, the pain that chafed her skin. The pain that silently pierced through her skin, and went latching onto her soul. The pain that rotted the love, leaving her indifferent to her own lamenting, stabbing the misery that left her bawling for the love she never wanted to see go. The pain that tightened the air around her, till the moment it pierced through her skin, touching her heart and then soul. 

In loving you, I lost myself, yet I am willing to love you, to live you, because there is nothing else I know of or want. I loved you so much, and I loved you, I just loved you, and I loved you. I love you more than the pain you gave me. I love you more than your words that pierced my soul. I fucking love you. I bawled on the floor in the middle of the night, in vain hope for the harrowing pain leaving my body with forced exhale. If only you could see me suffering in my misery. It hurts because you saw me crying for you in your feet. It hurts because you saw me crippling right there, in front of your eyes, gasping for air, for your love, and a home. 

But, it’s okay - she used to say this so much. And again, merciless yet gently, with all the love, she tucked the pieces of her soul comfortably into her very own body, like an escape, she lost it. She lost home. No wonder a blink used to feel like a lifetime to her, aged and stale, like a fully bloomed rose, ready to shed another petal. No wonder a breath used to feel like a burden on her chest, yet something that you would literally take because there she have had long forgotten the idea of anything other than chaos. 

Look at me, I screamed to the world in my silence, look at me. I am a good person. It hurts me like happiness touching my face, and a cold breeze flowing through my hair. I screamed to the world in my misery, look at me, I am a good person.  It hurts me like a healed wound and the scars that have been long forgotten. I screamed to the world, in my kindness, look at me, I am a good person. It hurts like soft, freshly washed sheets or cologne after a fresh hot shower. I screamed in my hope and hopelessness, look at me, I am a good person.  It hurts like a photograph tucked in the pages of an old journal and the words that I spoke so clearly not to be heard. It hurts like a sigh trapped in my soul, fighting, at war, finding its way out in the world that suffocates already. I screamed in my mourning, tucked in comfortable or forcefully, I don’t know, saving myself, hiding myself from the cruelty of the world, from all that pain and the hurt, from kindness and the love. I curled up in my own loneliness, my own skin, my own consolation, fragile love, hoping there will be an end to it. 

She walked into the world, with an aching heart, she only wished for ease. With a chaotic mind, she only wished for a pause. She wished the time stopped. She wished the ground break open and take her in. She wished for a breath. She wished for a day and a night, a raindrop, a smile, and the warmth of a cold breeze. She wished for a rainbow and a flower. She wished for a home.

As she turned sides, a tear flowed from the corner of her eye, grieving over her neck, before it drenched the pillow. She didn’t flinch a bit, it felt like home. It felt like home when she once again tamed her chaos into calm. It felt like home when she spoke her insanity into sanity. It felt like home when she breathed fire and sighed for an eternity. It felt like home when she took solace in unfamiliarity. It felt like home when she told herself, it’s okay, she smiled, and she screamed in a void, not to be heard. Carrying the ugly in grace, giving birth to and killing an eternity, she became home!