Worth Living For

Warning: Mentions of suicide.

I had always been suspicious of my girlfriend. Kind, beautiful, smart. But, she was secretive. Not the best, but not the worst, if you know what I mean.

So, I was not surprised when I found a picture in her bedside drawer of a tall, handsome, brown-haired, blue-eyed strong man. Thin, loving, kind. I didn't do much in response. I called her, asked her about the picture. I heard a sniffle and a deep, manly voice say "Just tell him." I couldn't believe it. She was with him!

But, anyway, I asked her again. "I can't say it," she said. I sighed and hung up. Then, I walked to the pool, threw the picture into the freezing, January water, and watched it disintegrate. I felt something light up in me. It was like, ruining something for someone else was a way to feel alive. I shook it off and sat on the edge of the bed, pondering my next move.

She came home around 5. That was 2 hours after I had called her at 3 o'clock. She came in, rushing to the bedroom with her lipstick smudged and her mascara running down her cheeks. I tried to suppress a smile. She was quite a scene, standing there, with her hair wet from the frigid rain and her clothing damp and wrinkled from her fumbling down the street.

"WHERE IS IT," she yelled first, running to the bedside table. She opened the drawer and began digging through it, growing angrier and angrier as she went. When she stopped, she looked at me. I was looking out the window. So, she looked at the window, then the roof, then the pool. Then, she screamed.

She said "HOW DARE YOU I COULD KILL YOU NOW!" I laughed. I couldn't help it. From the phone call to the picture, from her head to her toes, she did not love me. Not one bit. So, when I laughed, she growled, stomped, and stood in front of me. I tried to hide my smile.

"Revely, I know you don't love me. There is no way. You cheat on me, use my money, use me, and you think you love me? No, you don't. You love my money and my job. And my coworkers! Not in the 'best friends' kind of way. You love them enough to cheat on me. That brown haired, blue eyed, weirdo of a person thinks you love him. You don't. You love his job, you love his 'mystique', and you love the way it makes me feel. Angry. So, there is only one thing I can tell you now," I said, my face was red but calm. Revely looked at me and waited.

I stood up and grabbed her hand. I grabbed her bags, her things, everything. I had packed it all up those two hours she was gone. We walked to the door and I opened it. I pushed her onto the front stoop and said "Bye."

I closed the door quickly. Revely screamed and shouted through the door, angry at my decision. I felt bad, but only for a second. Besides, it was her fault she was in this situation.

I walked to the kitchen and made a cup of tea. Sitting down by the window, I looked outside. It was still rainy. Revely is probably cold, I thought. I groaned.

I'm a big sucker. I thought this bitterly. Revely was beautiful, with auburn hair that went to her waist and bright blue eyes. Ugh. Every time I thought of the eyes, I only saw the man she was with. Steve. Why would she want to date STeve? Sure, he was handsome and had eyes you could get lost in and hair that all you want to do is touch...but come on! SHe was mine! Now, Revely is Steve's. Gross. Worst of all, I know that in a few weeks, I will go crawling back. SHe will welcome me and we will be happy for a while. Until it happens again.

Revely reminds me of an assassin's tea pot. She will love me, and give me the good things. But, one misstep or a new person, and she starts being poisonous. Just like that. I was not going to fall for it again.

Anyway, a few days later, she texted me.

"Cheating-Ex: Honey! I'm sorry. I shouldn't have gone out with Steve. I miss you, baby!"

I almost spit out my coffee. What the world? She wanted to be back with me? It was so tempting, so real, that I almost said yes. Almost ran to her house with a bouquet of flowers and my hair combed back. But, I didn't. I, slowly, put down my phone. I stood up. As my feet paced on the hardwood floor, I came to something deep in my mind. I couldn't be with her, no, she was too far away. But life has no meaning if I don't have her.

That was when I, a 26 year old man, cried. Revely may have loved me once, but it wasn't true anymore. My life had no meaning if she wasn't by my side.

I ran out of my house and down the street. The rain had been going for many days, and was still pouring. Droplets stung my eyes and put holes in my clothing. Cars honked at me and sprayed me with water as they drove by. The puddles soaked my shoes and pants, but I didn't care. I just couldn't live with this feeling.

As I came to a stop by the bridge, I came to my senses. I knew what I was about to do, and I wasn't sure if I was happy about it. Or scared. Well, I was definitely scared, deep down, but it was numbed by worthlessness.

I put my hands on the cold bar and leaned forward. My hands felt frozen, but I didn't care. I soon wouldn't feel anything. The wind whipped at my hair and sent it flying all over the place. I combed my fingers through it and then sat on the edge of the bar. My heart was pounding. The escalation of the events rose rather quickly, and, in my taste, a little too quickly. But, I just wanted it over. I wanted everything over. I didn't want to worry about my stinkin' dead end job, stupid Revely, stupid handsome Steve and his eyes. I just wanted to be happy.

Something clicked in me. Dying wouldn't make me happy. It was just a way to run away from my feelings. It wasn't an answer.

Slowly, I slid off of the bar. I stood on the bridge again and took deep breaths. I walked back into town and looked into a store window. I looked like a mess. My hair was wet and matted from the rain and dirt. My clothes were sticky from perspiration. I was so lost, I didn't see the lady from inside the store come out.

"Um, sir, are you okay?"

I snapped out of it. Looking to the side, I saw a petite girl. She was about 23, with strawberry-blonde hair and a white dress on. SHe smiled at me and said “Are you okay?” I smiled and we walked into the store together.

Her name was Penny. She owned a bookshop and a bakery in my town. I realised that she was who I needed. She was worth living for. In time, I forgot all about Revely. She was just a distant memory. Revelry had broken up with Steve and tried to come back. But, I didn’t let her. I have Penny now.

So, I finally found what I needed. What I had been looking for my whole life. And, that, in the best sense, is worth living for.