My One and Only Love

Back in my day as a growing teenager reaching the age of puberty when I begin to recognize the physical changes of my body my fantasy as a growing teenager asking when will I enter into the world of looking into the opposite sex and how would I enter into a relationship? As far as I know in my conscious mind I have the fear of thinking it deeper. Why? I think I'm not capable with the thought that my family may be against it at an early age besides I know the hardship of raising a family. Those were the days when it is a taboo to talk openly about the opposite sex and it cannot be discuss during family discussions. The first close encounter is during high school when there are school activities involving both male and female and it is obvious for example during a particular event say an educational trip where the boys try to partner with his favorite classmate and it is obvious that they are closed. For me I have the same yearning that one of my classmate in junior high would approach me to do a certain project with him but it didn't happen yet. So here I waited that it will come until my senior year. No, there's no one when two of my best friends had their escorts during the Senior's Prom. I can't remember if I had a escort. I knew then that I'm not very serious about these matter as I'm more inclined to my studies. I can't imagine myself to be going out alone with a guy. My inner feelings to be close with a male is far fetched learning that it will lead to a disaster after listening to church sermons that at my age the rules of chastity being said must be followed but it is not an exception for me to indulge in daydreaming of my Romeo. It may come in a shining armor or someone who is a perfect gentleman. It is too early to say that I may come to meet him and once we come to like each other and this is it. I will be true, sincere and be his only one. Only one? Yes only one as it is being said again in the church to love one and die for him. I entered my first year college without any close encounter so I was busy in my studies. Too serious maybe that my friends who have already their boyfriends visiting them in our boarding house I stayed in my little room waiting for the right one to come. Few encounters like glancing, few questions with few answers with a certain guy. One visit and that's it. Those days far back in my eastern country when boys serenades a woman that also happened to me at my boarding house when my cousin tried to arrange that he would be my boy friend. It ended too. Until I finished my college degree not a serious relationship happened, Maybe I'm a snob setting high standards to have one close to my heart. When I was already working at the office I have one with frequent visits almost every weekends but the topic is very far from a close relationship until one day a guy with no words but mostly actions came into my life but the question is, is he my one and only one. Since it is the church imposition to love only once in your life i kept that way if you call it love when I was doing all what a family man would do. So it went that way in years and my children have matured. Looking back I think happiness was lacking with my relationship to my husband. Until I begin to think the other way to find a way to get out from my over jealous demanding husband. That's when someone told me I'm not a happy wife. My eyes was opened. Not to offend him openly I got involved to a certain business and here I met another guy who gave me the attention I was looking for. It was a secret relationship that nobody had known but only the two of us. Who would know when the communication is through the emails about doing the business but there are certain endearments attached when he asked "What would you like me to do? compared to my husband who treated me like his servant, no gratitude no appreciation to what I'm doing for him. I remember now I met him at the height of his divorce with his wife. and he was looking for sympathy. Although I haven't seen his wife I can't feel any guilt as I was also looking for some kind of comfort from a toxic relationship. What we hear in church does not happen in the real world. To myself to be pure and engage in a true, happy marital relationship, there is no control of each partner because they have different personalities. Another factor is the upbringing and family background of a husband and wife. My family background and upbringing is quite different from my husband, My father was caring and a diehard family man but my father in law is a philanderer irresponsible and boastful man. I carried the burden of raising my children in good manners and characters and discipline.

Closeness to their father is lacking but they are drawn to me. There are nights when I feel guilty and their are nights that I feel elated that there is someone whom I can run to and quite satisfied of this relationship we both share with my secret love. Back in my day how can you believe that what you hear the priest preached is true or not. While I'm experiencing no longer daydreaming of a fantastic gentle and caring man it was totally the opposite. When I myself religiously followed that precept I do cry and feel guilty but on the other hand it changes into smiles and feeling some kind of relief rather than going out to the open that I have a marital problem. With this kind of love triangle how would I continue this kind of relationship when there will come a time my secret love will demand a physical contact or sexual relaionship? How will I handle it? What will I expect to happen in the future handling two men in life. When my husband will learn what will happen.