Just One More

Just one more. It won’t do anything. Pills after pills had taken over my brain. The bar just so welcoming. No one else took me in as my mind ached. The pain overwhelming but no one ever cared. My hand shakes as I take another pill from the man. It fills my mind. And I whisper to myself, just one more. His grin breaks out. Laughter filling the room as he counted his money one by one. His hand wrapping around my body to grasp my butt. My brain feels dead so I let him do it. A welcoming feeling as no one else would go through with it. I nod and put my arms on my legs. Pushing slightly and praising him as he holds me. His lips reaching my neck, a soothing feeling. The little voice in my mind screaming ‘please don’t do it’. But I pushed it away. I needed and loved this new feeling. The people around me one of my own as they cheered and screamed with me instead of at me, like all others. Popping pill after pill I grab another. A second guy comes to sit with me instantly claiming me as his own. And I let him. Two men on each side loving me. What was so bad about that now? I soak the feeling in as hours go by. Pill after pill. Each time sighting, just one more, but still grabbing another. Sex filling my broken mind. As the first man pulls me up the stairs I just node and follow. The world is nothing and this feeling everything I’ve ever wanted. He touches me and helps settle my aching need. Crying out for more as it fills my empty ache. Hours go by and my brain is coming back. I pull him up pushing harder. My mind pushing away while my body pushes toward him harder. I need this. His deep voice makes me shake. This is what I missed. The voice shouting at me now even louder ‘listen to me you deserve something my better’. I laugh it off and at midnight we walk back down. My shirt low and his belt gone we kiss even longer. Dance and kiss and popping just one more pill. Exhausted I sit on him while he holds me harder. He groans and disappears for a minute to get more pills. My body crying though he’s gone for only a few minutes. Finally he returns pills in hand. I grab just one more, and hold my new found lover. A voice cries out bringing me back to the real world. An old friend I had long forgotten. “Mindy, what are you doing?” She runs up to me and hits the pill out of my hand. “Hey! I paid for those!” I yell back pushing her slightly. Anger erupting my brain. I wanted to show her what happens when you steal from me but what she said stopped me first. “You said you were gonna quit! This doesn’t look like quitting!” Tears started streaming down her face. Taken a back, I step away to think about what I’d done. Today would have been a week clean. I promised her I wouldn’t take anything anymore when last time I was a pill away from dying. I had lied and cheated that breaking her trust. My voice shook as tears brimmed my eyes. The pain of betraying someone I love fills me once again. “Well…well…” I couldn’t make out words as my brain fumbled. She grabbed me as if I was gonna disappear, pulling me into her arms. My tears soaked her shoulder, swallowing I try to make out, “I’m sorry Ellie…” She just held me tighter. Her breathing hard as she cried with me. The pain eating me alive just standing there. I could feel myself slipping away from her, trying to numb the pain inside. My lover beside me shook a container and pointed his finger behind the bar. I need just one more. Grabbing my thigh to remind me of that wonderful feeling. His feet echoing as he walked away and around the corner. My head beat, yearning for him to come back and settle the pain. Wanting him to save me once again. Excuses to get away flooded my brain. “I’ll be right back.” I whispered walking toward the ‘bathroom’ nearly sprinting away. As Ellie turned away I snuck to the back of the bar. “Give ‘em to me!” I hollered, stretching out my hand as I spotted the man. His grin widened and he traded the pills for a few bucks. Popping the cap open, I dump 5 pills in the palm of my hand. I just need to pain gone. It won’t hurt anyone. But I promised Ellie… no she just won’t find out. But I’ll know… no no I need them. Shaking the thoughts away I tilt my head back, the pills going down my throat. My head bobbed as my mind erased the memory of my abusive mother. Her face almost unrecognizable, here name gone from my brain. A smile broke free and I started jumping with joy. In return I grab him and fulfilled his ache. Finally once the session is over and he releases. I kiss him once more. Running back to the dance floor, I find Ellie and dance the night away. Every couple minutes, while Ellie looked away, popping another pill, whispering each time just one more. Debating each one but doing it anyway. My face shines and I feel alive again. But when 4:23am came along I was deader than ever. I fell to the floor holding my chest trying to push the pain away. Ellie’s face broke me. Her screaming would haunt me forever. My body shaking as the world went dark. Sirens rang out, silencing all other sounds. My mind wandered, leaving one last thought echoing to the living world. No. It’s not just one more. There was then a deadly silence, as the last sound I heard was none.