𝙳𝚎𝚌𝚎𝚖𝚋𝚎𝚛 𝟸𝟹𝚛𝚍 𝟸𝟶𝟷𝟿
I don’t even know why I’m writing this as letters can’t be delivered to heaven. But I guess my daughter is the person I love the most. So, even if this isn’t going to send to you, I’ll be contented that the name after ‘Dear’ in this letter was yours.
After moving here for work, I just haven’t felt the same. I guess you could call me lonely, but over time I have learned how to lessen the pain. For example, the cafe is my refuge, this place I can make believe that I am in a caring society. At the tables are my imaginary friends in a temporary community. We are born to need social bonds. We are born to need a sense of others, even if we are alone. It is terrible for the higher brain to know that we are solitary, that our life path has asked us to learn how to be the warrior instead of the protected, the protector and not the protected. Yet there is a need to fool the senses that this society is a safe place and we belong to a tribe. So, in this cafe, among the noises of people, their scent, their occasional glances, and the chatter of the baristas, I give my primitive brain a little of what it craves, just enough to see me through. But I can’t hide the millions of thoughts that run through my mind from my brain. Cause I simply use my brain to think. Right, Em? I think I’m just going mad. I miss your mother a lot. I’m in this giant city with hundreds of people. New York. Yet I’m still so lonely.
These days I’ve got nothing really to think about, so my brain starts picking on random things. Like only yesterday I was pondering over the difference between lonely and alone. Lonely and alone are such very different things, so very, very different. I’ve been lonely for so long even though I have so many people in my family, around me – everywhere. I’m not alone though, as I have all those people and you. I’ve written a little poem if you want to hear it. It’s about being lonely. I know, I know Em. You would tell me to write one about happiness so that it helps me If you were here. But the problem is you’re not. So, I guess I’ll just tell you my poem.
The houses are paintings,
cold in their rendered realism.
The road between us is a never-ending area of nothing.
Then at times the desperate call, only to run, only to hide...
afraid of connection bringing need and a responsibility to help.
And so, the roads get longer, and the paintings merge on a horizon rapidly shrinking.
All that remains are the trees, the birds, the flowers that bloom, and my two feet on the Earth. All I feel is love from a universe away, enough to tingle fingertips and ignite my core.
I once thought that loneliness and solitude were different things; yet if loneliness is utter blackness, solitude is being alone in a beautiful garden.
Solitude is when the pain remains, but one learns to let the joy of nature flood in, that natural love that belongs to us all. It's when we release ourselves to love and are reborn as those who remember God's name.
Love, Eliot. Your dad.
𝙳𝚎𝚌𝚎𝚖𝚋𝚎𝚛 𝟸𝟻𝚝𝚑 𝟸𝟶𝟷𝟿
Happy Christmas my dear. It’s been nearly five years since the last time I said that to you in person. I had a video call with your mother today. It was nice after what’s been going on. You know, loneliness… We exchanged gifts – kind of since it’s over a phone. She got me something I’ve been wanting for a while now, but nothing is greater than a cure for my loneliness. I guess there isn’t one. The only way is to go back. You tell me Em. What should I do? I miss you a lot. That’s why I’m writing these letters.
I miss you a lot even though I shouldn’t. After all, in heaven, we are wrapped in God's perfect love. We are whole, we are healthy, and we are together with those we love. After death, we walk hand in hand with Jesus on pristine sands as clear waves lap at our bare feet. His forgiveness is perfectly complete. He takes away the sins of our lives, washing them away into the gentle tide. He answers every question, lifts away all the burdens of our life. When we are ready our loved ones appear on the beach ahead, all traces of judgment gone.
I hate to admit it, but I wish I was with you. But I can’t leave mommy alone. She will be alone as well as lonely as me. I possibly couldn’t do that. Passing on my loneliness to her by freeing myself. I would feel guilty for the rest of my life. even Jesus would kick me out of heaven. Anyway, once again Happy Christmas my dear.
Love Eliot. Your dad.
𝙹𝚊𝚗𝚞𝚊𝚛𝚢 𝟷𝚜𝚝 𝟸𝟶𝟸𝟶
They say once you have mastered loneliness, you are ready for the company of others, that doesn't make it easy though. When everyone's life journey separated from my own, when the only heart beating in this house belonged to me, it wasn't something most could take. For there are days when the brain becomes a cold fire, perhaps that is what others call to panic, but when you are lonely, you can’t think enough to call a loved one. I guess the good news is that in time, after many unpleasant days, you are okay. Then you find joy again, or maybe it finds you. After that, your journey can change, take on new and exciting adventures... I wish I could wave a magic wand for everyone alone, but from experience, I would tell them “there are some things you must learn the hard way, my love.”
Happy New year my dear. Sorry for the melancholy start. I’ve gotten used to writing that kind of stuff. Today was extremely hard getting to town. The town is already crowded and on a special holiday like this, it was nearly impossible. Anyway, I should start the new year with something positive. Maybe a joke?
When you are lonely, dim all the lights and put on a horror movie. After a while, you won’t feel lonely anymore. It’ll feel like someone is right behind you.
Haha! I don’t know why I found that funny. I probably gave you chill down your spine. Well, I guess that’s all from me for now.
Love Eliot. Your dad.
𝙹𝚊𝚗𝚞𝚊𝚛𝚢 𝟹𝟶𝚝𝚑 𝟸𝟶𝟸𝟶
Hey honey. Sorry I haven’t written in a while. Been busy with work. Woah another year passed, and a lot happened this month. With coronavirus and stuff. I’m scared. I’m scared I won’t be able to go back home at the end of July once my project has finished. I’m scared I’ll have to be stuck here forever. I’m scared I won’t be able to touch your mother any time soon. Em, do something. Make my insecurities fly away. I can’t stop thinking negative these days. I find a flaw in every little thing. A negative outcome of every little event. I can’t write too much anymore. I’m so very sorry this is such a short letter. I’ve been busy with work and all. Sorry, hon gotta go!
Love Eliot. Your dad.
𝙵𝚎𝚋𝚛𝚞𝚊𝚛𝚢 𝟸𝚗𝚍 𝟸𝟶𝟸𝟶
I have some great news! My loneliness is being cured – a little bit. I heard some advice and it's helping so very much, that if you embrace the feeling of loneliness, let yourself feel the pain full force, and have the courage to stand and keep going, that you win. You soon find alone is solitude and it's okay. Then you find that the ones who would harm and manipulate you go away, seeing that you are strong. That's when life gets good. The universe senses that you have the strength for a good life and opportunities begin, your rainbow fades in. It's challenging. It's brutal. It's winnable and you are worth it. So, love yourself, breathe deeply, and walk through it. Be present at the moment, be true to who you are within and that wonderful soul you were born with will emerge with butterfly wings. I can’t believe I’m thinking of positive things now! Putting away the advice, I think the main reason this has happened is because of you my dear. Writing these letters to you. Pretending my little girl is receiving them. It’s helped a lot darling. You are and always will be my little girl.
Love Eliot. Your dad.