Benjamin Brady and the Grand Affair

“Hey Lilah!” Ben called as he crossed the parking lot in three easy steps. Did I remember him? Barely. Last time I saw him, he had seemed like such a little kid. Now he was definitely not. The beauty of his face and his developed muscles caught me off guard almost as much as the hug he swept me up into.

“Hey Ben. How are you?” I asked. He released his grip and held my gaze with his sharp greenish sunflower eyes. The colors of his eyes seemed to swim around like an inviting pool.

“I’m doing good. Just graduated and I’m headed to the University of New Mexico in the fall,” he answered. “What about you?” I offered a thin smile.

“Things are great. Just been working and figuring out life, you know, adulting,” I teased, not wanting to get into any of the mess that was my life. He smiled, wide and innocent.

“Are you going to be one of my counselors this year?” he asked, seeming hopeful. I nodded and was surprised by how much I liked his enthusiasm. Something about him was captivating and sent an unfamiliar feeling through me. This kid is barely eighteen. Stop it. I muttered to myself, emphasizing the word ‘kid’.

Addison and Ben’s father, Brandon, came up to us then, and the superficial pleasantries continued. Despite wanting to connect with each of these people, this kind of small talk was never something I was comfortable with. I excused myself and gathered my things to take to the cabins.

As I set up my bunk, I found my thoughts drifting back to Ben and how his eyes seemed to glisten in the sunlight. He had certainly grown up and seemed to have almost a Greek model feel about him. Though tall and lean, his muscles were clearly defined when he hugged me. Stop it. I chastised myself again. What had come over me? I wasn’t sure. I tried to keep my mind clear as I went through my things and headed back to the dining hall.

The rest of the campers wouldn’t arrive until the afternoon the next day. It was only the counselors, directors, and Ben. I was surprised but smugly pleased when he chose to sit next to me, close enough that our legs started to touch. His skin was warm and felt more comforting than I thought it should.

I stayed quiet through most of dinner, absurdly worried I might make a fool of myself in front of him. Though I had already done that by developing…whatever this was in such a short time. He was so much younger than me, after all, everyone else would think it was… what? Gross? Immoral? Unprofessional? Inappropriate? Maybe. Maybe all of those things. I kept my eyes away from him as dinner continued.

As usual, the first night we all stayed up late talking and joking with each other, trying to mentally prepare for the taxing week ahead of us.

Addison had gone off and talked to her co-counselor about their plans for the week. I connected with Grant to talk about our group. Since Ben was going to be in our group for the week, Grant offered to have him join us. Ben sat close to me again, and I could feel the heat radiating off of him.

“On Wednesday, I was thinking we should skip this game they have in the curriculum. I don’t know how well that’s going to go over with this age group,” Grant offered. I read over the oversimplified rules of the game, clearly aimed at either elementary school age or middle school. I nodded in agreement.

“What do you want to do instead? More discussion or create our own game?” I asked, marking notes on the sheet in front of me.

“Let’s just play it by ear after we feel the rest of the kids and see what they are into. We should have a plan, though, if no one wants to talk.”

“Can I see it?” Ben asked. I glanced over at him, and he was staring at me intently. I handed over the papers outlining activities for the week. He read over everything fairly quickly before moving back to the page in question.

“Actually, I think if we just made a few alterations, this game could still be fun. It might be nice to have a chance to just play like children again. Especially since the rest of the lesson plan seemed kind of heavy that day,” he explained. I stared at him, dumbfounded. It was a great idea, and I felt a little bothered that I had not thought of it.

Grant and Ben continued to talk and go over the game, as well as others. Ben had a lot of delightful insight, and I wondered why the camp leadership had never thought to ask for camper insight before. I was impressed at how smart and creative Ben was with his ideas, and found my thoughts trailing away with me again.

Ben walked me to my cabin at the end of the night and let his hands linger on my hips as he said goodnight. I felt my heart flutter and then scolded myself once again.

“Sleep well, I’m really looking forward to spending the week with you,” Ben whispered before kissing me on the cheek. “See you in the morning.” He didn’t wait for me to respond before disappearing into the darkness towards the other cabins. I stood there for a moment, dumbfounded. There was no point in questioning or digging further; I could never develop my feelings or think about them. I couldn’t ever act on anything, but did he feel the same strange connection I did? I wasn’t sure.

The morning before campers was a blur. Despite all the prep we had done the months before and all the work we had done to set up, there always seemed to be so much to do before campers arrived. I hardly saw Ben after breakfast, which was just as well. I couldn’t allow myself to be continually distracted by my attraction to him. I tried to focus on what I was up there to do and headed to the cabins to sign in campers as they arrived.

Over eighty campers came, it was going to be a busy week, and I was glad that Grant and I had thought to plan extra activities. I got back into the swing of things and into a more gathered mindset as the girls started to arrive and get settled into the cabin. Some of them I recognized, and a lot of them were happy to see that I was at camp again. That always made me smile. For a few hours, I forgot about Ben and the strange feelings. I hoped that with everyone else here, my thoughts towards him would settle back to normal.

I was sadly mistaken. As we gathered in our groups for the first time after dinner, I couldn’t help but let my eyes linger on him more than they should. I was surprised and pleased to find his eyes were always on me as well. What was happening here? I wasn’t sure. He continued to sit next to me as the group talked and got to know each other. There seemed to be a silent electricity wafting between us. I was grateful no one else seemed to notice. But I couldn’t seem to stop myself from noticing how he moved, how he talked, and how often he was looking at me. Flashes and images of what a future for us could be started to cross my mind. Once he was out of camp and we had waited a decent amount of time, no one could really punish us for being together. He was technically an adult. No. That’s ridiculous. I tried to force myself to let it go.

Monday morning, I found myself searching for him as I walked into the dining hall and made coffee from the open machine.

“Good morning, Lilah,” Sarah called as she walked into the large space. I smiled at her. She was a sweet girl whom I had seen around camp the past couple of years. I didn’t know her well, but she was always nice with a good attitude.

Before I could respond, I caught sight of Ben walking into the room. He looked tired and a little worn. I shook my head with a teasing smile. He couldn’t be that worn out; it was only day one. He came up to us and started getting coffee from the machine. He smiled at me politely and moved on to talk to Sarah. The two of them had apparently known each other for quite some time and caught up on all their private knowledge and inside jokes.

A green monster of rage filled up inside of me. I walked away before I could let it take control. What was I doing? Why was I so bothered that he’d be friends with this girl? This girl, who was his own age, whom he seemed to have a lot in common? I wasn’t sure. I moved to sit next to Addison in the dining hall.

“What’s wrong with you?” she asked, raising a curious eyebrow. I glared at her, unsure how to answer her question. I sipped my coffee instead.

“I’m just tired.” She chuckled.

“It’s a little early to be tired.” I thought about how I had just thought that about Ben and looked up to see him walking in with Sarah. He seemed oblivious to me, and the monster grew louder.

I tried to remember that this was normal and he shouldn’t be so interested in me, but no amount of self-talk brought my mood up throughout the day. Ben was sociable and talked to so many people. I found myself jealous of all of them. I couldn’t understand my own feelings or why I wanted so much of his attention. I did my best to talk as little as possible and pretend to be positive for the rest of the campers. I continued to tell myself my feelings were irrational and unwarranted.

When we headed to group, I planned on being as adult as I could and keeping a distance between Ben and me. I had to get over whatever these inappropriate feelings were. But when he walked into the room, he smiled at me like I was his favorite person in the world. He sat next to me and let his leg brush up against mine once again. I couldn’t help myself as I melted into his affection. We carried on as we had the night before: too much energy between us and silent messages through knowing glances. I couldn’t stop myself from wondering and imagining once again.

“Good night, Lilah,” Ben offered in a somewhat solemn tone. I was caught in the musical notes of his voice. I forced myself to smile as he hugged me close and lingered against my skin.

“Good night, see you tomorrow.”

I forced myself to move away from him and not look back as I walked into my cabin.

The rest of the week continued in a similar fashion. Throughout the day, our interactions were minimal except when I was alone with him. Then it seemed completely reasonable to think he might feel the same way. But as soon as someone else was with us, he snapped away and became a different person. Perhaps, he too, understood the implications there would be if anything passed between us here at camp. I couldn’t be sure. But the monster of jealousy inside me continued to rise as I was forced to share his attention with other campers, especially Sarah. Something in the way he talked to her and looked at her seemed more than familiar, and a stronger resentment grew towards her. I felt guilty and ashamed. It wasn’t her fault I was having such improper feelings towards her friend. It also wasn’t her fault that Ben seemed intrigued by being with her and around her, but still, the resentment grew.

The week seemed to drag on, and I retreated into myself. Part of me wanted the week to last and continue to spend time with Ben in our private moments. I longed for group and our secret good nights that seemed so intimate. But part of me just wanted it to be over and to forget the whole affair. Frustration, desperation, and jealousy grew in me like a cancer.

As Friday came around, I couldn’t decide if I was more sad or relieved that the week was almost over. The entire camp gathered around a campfire for s’mores and final goodbyes. I was surprised when Ben asked to speak to me alone. We were still in eyeshot of the rest of the camp, but no one could hear us in our private space in the trees.

“It’s been a really nice week, and I’ve loved spending so much time with you. I’m kind of sad to be going home,” he admitted. My heart sang, and dreams of what we could be like together sprang up in my mind once again. I forced them back down as best as I could.

“It has been nice,” I lied, forcing a smile. “I will certainly miss you as well.”

“Maybe you could come visit me, or I could come visit you. I mean, we’ll have to start on those travel plans sometime. We could travel together,” he offered. He has to feel the same, I thought to myself. Why else would he say such a thing? Logically, I knew there could be other reasons; he could just think of me as a nice friend. Friends traveled together, certainly. But in the moment, all I could think of was us in a very different situation than ‘just friends.’ Without realizing it, I had started to cry. I couldn’t quite be sure of the reason. Ben frowned and wiped away the tears.

“What’s wrong?”

I shook my head, unsure how to answer him.

“I probably shouldn’t do this until at least tomorrow after camp, but I can give you my number and we can talk about those travel plans,” I said instead of explaining my feelings. His smile returned as he pulled out his phone. I put in my contact, and his hand lingered on mine as I handed it back.

He held my gaze for a long moment, and there seemed to be so much passing between us. I wasn’t sure if he was feeling or thinking the same things as me, but it certainly felt like it, and it felt as if the heat between us was growing. He reached down and kissed my forehead before pulling me close again.

“There’s time, we have time,” he whispered in my ear. I took a sharp breath and let my mind linger on those pointed words.

I never found out what he meant. I never found out how he felt. There were a few times I saw him again after that week together in the forest. But he moved on, if he ever felt the same. Pieces of my heart still linger with him and dream about what might have been. Now it’s too late. The two of us only exist in the past.