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This story mentions substance abuse and domestic violence.
Lawrence was sitting at a table at Duke’s Diner, sipping his coffee nervously. He was 45 years old, but he looked about 60. He was mostly bald, but the little bit of hair he had was whiter than an ivory tusk. His gray-colored eyes seemed to have a permanent sad look. His skin was very wrinkled, and his two eyebrows met in the middle of his forehead. He tried to fight the anxiety he was feeling, but it was overtaking him. Maybe she’s not going to come, he thought. It was 9:30 and 9:00 had been the time they agreed to meet. He had so many things he needed to say to her, but he didn’t think she would ever be able to forgive him.
The server walked by, “More coffee?”
“Yes, please.” Since he had quit drinking alcohol, he started drinking coffee when he was nervous.
“Would you like to order, or are you going to wait a little longer?”
Lawrence thought about how to answer. He was about to just pay for the coffee, then leave, when she walked in.
Raelyn was an 18-year-old girl with long, straight, blonde hair. She was tall and thin. Lawrence was impressed with how beautiful she was. He was a little disappointed she was wearing a crop top, but he knew he had no right to be. She sat down in the booth across from him.
“What can I get for you?” the server asked
“Just coffee, I’m leaving soon.” Raelyn replied abruptly
“Come on,” Lawrence smiled, “get some blueberry pancakes, those used to be your favorite.”
“Yes, when I was five, was that the last time I saw you?” Raelyn raised her eyebrows, “I can’t have gluten anymore.”
“Oh,” Lawrence was disappointed, he hadn’t planned for this to go well, but this was worse than he had expected.
“We have gluten-free pancakes,” the server said feeling awkward.
“Fine, I’ll have those.”
“So, Rae-Rae, how have you been?” Lawrence asked.
“I go by Raelyn now; I didn’t want some nickname my deadbeat dad gave me. So, where is the money?”
“Well, um, technically, there isn’t really any money.”
Raelyn sighed, “Ahh, so I see you’re up to your old tricks; I guess I should have realized. How could you have money saved up for me when you’ve barely ever had a steady job?” She rolled her eyes, “I’ll be leaving now.” She started to stand up.
“Wait, Raelyn, I’m sorry, I didn’t know how else to get you to meet me, I know you want nothing to do with me.”
“And who’s fault is that?” Raelyn demanded with tears starting to form in her eyes, don’t cry in front of him, she thought, don’t cry in front of him.
“I’m sober now.”
“Oh yeah, I’ve heard that one before.”
“It’s for real this time, I’ve been sober a whole year.”
Raelyn stopped to think. She didn’t think he had ever been sober that long before, but the times he had been in her life had not been very frequent. She also had no idea if he was telling the truth right now. Even though she still hated him, she longed to have a normal, loving father like so many of her friends did. She checked her phone, “Okay, I have class at 1, so that’s how long you have for whatever this is.”
“Okay, I’ve been in AA, and step 8 is making amends with those I have hurt, I know I hurt you, and I know it’s impossible for you to forgive me right now, but maybe after we spend some time together, and you see that I’ve changed, you will be able to.”
Raelyn didn’t know whether to laugh or cry, “Are you serious?! Do you think I would ever be able to forgive you? You abused my mom, then when she left you, you didn’t even try to see me. You came to see me, maybe two or three times after the divorce was final. I think every time you told me you had gotten sober, and you just wanted to start spending time with me again. I would be so excited; my dad finally wants me. Then, you would disappear out of my life again. Do you really think I want to go through that again?”
Lawrence was sobbing, “I’m so sorry, Rae-Rae…
“Don’t call me that!”
“Sorry, Raelyn, I know you have no reason to trust me. I’m sorry, I messed up so horribly, but I really do want to have a relationship with you.”
“You know what my mom told me? On my 16th birthday, I was crying because I hadn’t even gotten a card from you. I guess she was trying to make me feel better by telling me what a horrible person you were. She told me, one night, when I was a baby, she was up nursing me at 2 a.m. You came home from the bar, of course, and were beyond wasted. You were mad at her for being up so late. You yelled at her and asked her why she was up. She told you she was feeding the baby. You were so drunk and angry; you didn’t believe her. You said you thought she was up because she was seeing another guy on the side. She told you that was ridiculous, then you slapped her across the face. You slapped her so hard; she almost dropped me. She almost dropped her 3-month-old baby because you were drunk! How can I forgive you for that?!”
Lawrence’s face was soaked with tears, his cheeks were crimson, he had snot running down his face, “I’m so sorry, I know it’s not enough, but I am so, so, sorry. I didn’t realize I did that; I don’t remember it.”
“Yeah, well, I guess that happens when you’re an alcoholic. So, if it’s forgiveness you’re looking for, you came to the wrong place.”
Lawrence wiped his face with a napkin. He hadn’t expected this meeting to go well, but he also didn’t realize how violent he had been when he was drunk. Had he hurt anyone else? There were so many times he had been black-out drunk that he couldn’t remember. He had a list of people he knew he had to make amends to, but what about the people he didn’t even know he had hurt?
“I know, it’s not enough. But I’m so sorry. I go to AA every week. I am hopefully overcoming my addiction. I understand, if you don’t want to see me again, but if you ever change your mind, you have my phone number.”
Raelyn walked out to her car. When she got in the driver’s seat, she didn’t hold back the tears anymore. She cried harder than she had on her 16th birthday. Could she ever forgive him? She didn’t know. Maybe, eventually. After loads of therapy. But definitely not right now.
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