What She Doesn't Want

Emma knew this was his favorite coffee spot, busy but not too loud. He’d brought her here on their first date and had dragged her along to support his caffeine habit many times during their subsequent three years together. He relished in the convenience of its prime location and the fact that, whenever he needed, he was only a ten-minute walk from a cup of foamy refuge. Emma didn’t like coffee – sometimes even just the lingering smell of it on his breath made her nauseous – but, this place was OK even for her because she could gaze out the big windows onto the street as Doug rambled on

As she waited for him, Emma claimed a table overlooking the street. She stared at all the busy students walking briskly by and imagined their lives, so different from hers now, though she’d graduated only two years ago. They went off to learn, travel, and party. Meanwhile, she cared for Doug’s dog, an excitable little beagle mix, dry cleaned Doug’s suit jackets, and commuted dutifully to work as a recruiter, where her sole job was to help other people fulfill their dreams. Every day was a small variation on the drudgery of pre-married life. Emma felt weird eyeing the undergraduates she’d admired for being so accomplished when she was in high school, but now envied for their very lack of “life accomplishments”. Emma wondered if she could ever reclaim her youthful exploration or if her transformation to responsible adult was too complete to be reversed.

Doug arrived in his wannabe professor uniform – a navy blazer bought at Express, a grey t-shirt, and dark jeans that Emma picked out for him. He waved to her before getting in line to order an espresso. He also ordered her favorite scone, which he placed gingerly on the table in front of her. When he leaned in to kiss her, Emma turned her face toward the window and re-examined all the alternative lives the passersby were happily living and that she was less than an hour away from having the freedom to explore. His lips landed on her cheek.

Doug started talking as soon as his blazer was hung on the back of his chair, “What a great day! I hardly even needed this jacket. If only it wasn’t for the wind! Oh, but look at the sun. Thank God, spring is here! Isn’t daylight savings just a marvelous thing? I could hardly stay in bed this morning when I saw the sun peak through the curtains. I noticed you didn’t have any trouble sleeping in though.” Doug forgot to wink or laugh as he teased her, so his comment came off as biting judgement.

At school, everything Doug said had to have a purpose to get funding or further research. But after work, he was free to let his tongue wander, and Emma always listened so quietly. Emma knew how to let him unwind after a long day. Talking to Emma reminded him of going home on weekends after a big exam during undergrad when his mom would make the best pot roast to help him unwind and she’d just smile as she watched him eat it. He appreciated that Emma didn’t make him talk about work, and he tried to pay her the same respect by never asking about her day.

As Doug droned, Emma used her fingers to break apart the scone and plucked the blueberries out of their flaky casing. She plopped them one-by-one into her mouth, remembering to look up and smile when he paused for affirmation from her. When the blueberries were gone, Emma turned back towards the window. A mother walked by pushing a napping toddler in a stroller. Doug reached out to hold her hand and Emma jumped back in her seat. Relentless, he stroked her captured palm with his thumb. “Once I graduate, that could be you,” Doug said, nodding towards the mother. 

Emma’s brown eyes bugged out of her head from the effort to contain her internal screaming. She realized that Doug had only two years left in his PhD program before he’d try to both uproot her from her home in New England to work for some far-off defense firm and impregnate her with his midwestern seed, all in the same year. She had only two years left to get out. Leaving would only get harder the longer she stayed. Emma took her hand back and folded it over the other in her lap. Sensing that something was wrong with her, Doug meekly took a sip of his espresso. They sat in silence, which was always uncomfortable for Doug.

The silence reminded him of those lonely nights he spent in his dorm room studying back when girls, especially pretty girls like Emma, ignored him. He’d had a rocky transition from his boisterous family of six to the isolation of undergrad, but ever since he met Emma during his first week of grad school when she was a senior working desk in the library, she’d made his second transition smooth even though he was further from home. Whatever was stressing her out, Doug would find a way to fix it. 

           “I know!” Doug chimed, “Let’s take a run to unwind! Maybe we can run around the - ”

           “I don’t want to run,” Emma interrupted.

           “We can go slow, I know you’ve been skipping our workouts a lot this winter. It’ll be more of a jog really…Or maybe we can take Pete for a walk along the river? You’ll have to remember the poop bags this time. You forgot last time, silly.” Doug chuckled to himself and Emma kept glaring with her brown eyes.

“I don’t want to pick up your dog’s shit anymore.”

“Well, what do you want to do?” Doug snapped. Emma was not helping him relax at all today. She was stressing him out and confusing him. Emma shoved the remains of the scone into her mouth and chewed purposefully to garner the energy to say what she had to say next.

“I want to break up.”