Loosing my Job, Finding Me.

In less than a week, I’ll be turning 29. For some strange reason, this age feels scary. I’ve never been an age-conscious person, after all, it’s only a number they say. But, for whatever reason, this impending birthday sends chills down my spine.

Thoughts of accomplishments, maturity, responsibility, meaning, and usefulness flood my head. Most people in my society are oblivious to my self-lashing, I’m doing rather well in their eyes. I stay in my own place, almost 700km from home, I work in a multi-national where I interact with pretty awesome people from all over the world and I’m valued where I am; my boss sometimes acts as the department would crumble to dust without me. I even clinched staff of the year for two years in a roll.

But yet there is this gnawing feeling of despondency that eats me up from within, that soft but forceful thought that pulls on me every night, telling me ‘you’re less than all you can be’. It's true I am surviving but the desire to truly live grows more and more every day.

I got recommended for this job by a relative and I was hired, this was never my dream job. And while it has taught me so so much, padded my pockets really nicely, it’s still not my dream job. Every now and then Lady Purpose hunts me in my dreams and reminds me that the enemy of the best is not the worst, but the good. I’m good where I am, but that seems to be the quicksand holding me back from my best.

I’ll be 29 in a bit and like a mountain the thoughts of Lady Purpose stands before me, unrelenting and unmoving, demanding I face it or be crushed by it. Then one night, while I contemplated the path to take in the darkness of my one-room mansion, she came to me again, and she whispered to me “give yourself a birthday gift: quit your job”. The words wrapped themselves around me like the rings around a planet, following me everywhere I went. I thought it’d be crazy to give up a perfectly acceptable job and step into the murky waters of the unknown, especially with the crazy inflation rate and the downhill economy. I explained to myself why a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. I reasoned how my family would consider me demented and would never support the idea. I assured myself that with my current performance here in my job it wouldn’t take long to get a major promotion to that envious managerial role. I talked to myself and reasoned with me but it got nowhere within me, Lady Purposes’ words had already taken root and I could feel it budding already.

This would be so much easier if I could see the future, scratch that, this would be so much easier if I could see multiple futures. That way I’d see if I would survive even a year without my job, that way I’d know if I’d ever get to the managerial position that is beginning to seem as bait to tie me here. But alas, today, and right now is all I have to see and know, and yet I’m expected to make decisions that will affect the rest of my days. Maybe I’m lazy, I've found a comfort zone and I’m just doubling in to make sure I stay there, or maybe I’m just a wide-eyed child imagining fantastical castles in some far away Treasure Island, ignoring the reality of life.

I recently found a nice girl I wouldn’t mind settling down with, she’s brighter than the sunshine and sweeter than honey-soaked pancakes. And for some unimaginable reason, she seems to fancy me quite a bit too. I already began making plans in my mind where and when I would pop the question, and imagining all the planets were aligned in my favor and she actually said Yes! Another adventure of my life would begin. But then a stable job would probably go a long way in the relationship, at least we would know what to expect. I don’t want to be the broke bum who lost the girl because he couldn’t pay for dinner. Following this outbound plan is risky, but this burning idea still haunts me. I can only hope that she sees wisdom and hope in this path because many times I who hold the lamp still can’t see the light.

Whatever the case I’m in the valley of decision, a choice I must make, and a choice I have made. I’ve chosen to embrace the possibility of the tomorrow I seek rather than hunker down in the comforts of today. What if I fail? Then let me fail going forward. Torture to me will be defined as the 60 years old me wondering what could have happened if I ever followed my dreams.

It’s a few days to my birthday, my mind is clear, though the questions still hover about, my decision is firm. I’ve ordered the birthday cakes, it’s going to be quite a scene in the office; by morning we blow out the candles, by evening we bring out the resignation letter. My boss will be shocked, my colleagues will shiver, the company will ponder but I may just finally begin my wonder.

The secret plan is known by no one but me and Lady Purpose, I expect she’s happy about my decision. I’m still not 100% sure but I do have peace with it. In any case, my sleep though shorter has been sweeter; I’m losing my job but finally finding my life, wherever this rabbit hole leads we will see.

So wish me luck as I quit my job and find my work, wish me luck as I leave the ground and walk on water, wish me luck as I end the paragraph and begin the book, wish me luck as I venture down the rabbit hole. I may fail in many things but I will never fail in being me, I may lose many battles, but I will not lose the war within, many things may be said of me but it will never be that I did not follow my dreams.