Harold

Note: recreational marijuana use, sexual activity

Harold Pettinger was not an attractive man. He had a bulbous nose that was red at the end. It was a genetic issue passed down through many of the Pettingers. All robust men with red bulbous noses. Maybe in Ireland 100 years ago, this would have been an attribute that would have brought the women running from the bright green dewy hills.

Unfortunately, this was NY in the mid 2000’s and there wasn't a grassy hill in sight.

Harold often wondered why he continued to stay in NY when he knew the cold only made his nose more red and bulbous. Sometimes the red would creep onto his engorged mottled cheeks. His eyes were small and a very boring shade of brown. His lashes blonde. His lower lip was larger than his top lip, which he had often considered to be his best attribute ever since Mary Hill said as much to him one night at a pot laden party in 1985 in the basement of Dick Burnly's house.

Dick Burnly was very popular. He always was. He had that classic blonde, blue eyed charm that books were written about through the decades. Harold and Dick had been friends since infancy as they were next door neighbors. They were obligated play mates. But history breeds familiarity and familiarity breeds friendship and so Dick and Harold were friends, I guess.

Small children are always cute and this was true of even Harold. His nose had not grown into his adult bulbous state and was instead a cute red little button of a nose. He was quick with a smile and could play till the sun went down. This amount of physical activity helped alleviate any anxiety that might have been hiding in his psyche so childhood seemed to fly by as if in a dream.

By the time Dick and Harold were around the ages of 10, puberty started to kick in. Dick's all-American good looks really started to flower and Harold's Irish roots began to show themselves as well. By 12, Harold's nose seemed to not quite fit his face where Dick first lost his virginity. He picked from a number of coy options. Her name was Jennifer Gibbons and Dick admitted to Harold recently that he often recalls her face when having sex with his wife, Adrienne.

But at that party in 1985, Harold was 14 and had had much practice masturbating and wanted desperately to put some of his amazing erotic fantasies into practice. He knew he wasn't as attractive as Dick but fueled by naiveté and raging hormones, he still had enough vavoom to give it the ol' college try.

Mary Hill was a very sweet and pretty girl in Dick and Harold's 8th grade class. It was rumored she was sweet on Dick but he wasn't sweet on her so Harold felt pretty confident that she was fair game.

She was pretty but not beautiful. Her hair was more of a dirty blonde. Her eyes a little close together but still sparkly with a sweet and shy personality. Harold put on a bit of his step-father's cologne and headed over to hang out at Dick's house for an impromptu gathering.

Mary's dirty blonde hair was in a ponytail. She looked very beautiful and Harold smiled and waved at her before realizing that he should play it much cooler than that.

A joint was passed around and everyone enjoyed a puff. Harold tried to take as little weed as possible as it made him feel even more quiet which wouldn't have been very helpful in his attempt to seduce Mary Hill. Dick had a vinyl copy of Fleetwood Mac's Rumors that he had bought the week before because someone had told him "chicks dig it". The weed made his muscles weak and he was transfixed on the sound of Lindsay Buckingham's guitar when Mary laid a hand on his thigh.

Electricity traveled up his entire body and brought his brain back down from it's high. He licked his lips and looked at her. She was looking at him with a smile on her face. Her eyes were bloodshot but her smile was real. He smiled back at her. Everything inside of him screamed that she wanted him to kiss her. He had never kissed anyone before but he had seen it on television and he figured it was kind of like swimming. You might not be great at it but you can paddle enough to keep yourself afloat.

This kind of logic would get Harold far in life and right now it was infusing him with the courage to lean forward and kiss Mary Hill.

So, he leaned forward and he kissed her. The weed kept him subdued so he didn't suffer from the primal need to grab Mary breasts and pin her against a wall, which would have been his move if sober. Luckily for Mary, the kiss was the softest and most beautiful kiss that Harold could have ever hoped to experience. Mary seemed to like it to as it went on for a very long time. In reality, it went on for about 15 seconds but to Harold's pot riddled mind, it was more like 5 minutes. When it was over, he wanted water desperately as it seemed as if his mouth was stuffed with cotton. Mary blushed. And then she said it. The statement that would haunt Harold for a life time. "I love your bottom lip."

Unfortunately, Harold never saw Mary again. Unbeknownst to him, Mary's parents had gotten a divorce and Mary was moving with her mother to Maryland. It being 1985 and all, Mary might as well have been imprisoned in Tanzania to him. He was devastated.

Sitting at his desk at the Corporate Offices of Such and Such, Harold would often scour the internet for information for Mary Hill. He thought he found her once on Facebook but the woman weighed 300 pounds, was divorced and had three kids. He refused to believe that that was her and continued to look for the Mary of his imagination.

Meanwhile, Harold met another beautiful girl named Brenda at Duke University his freshman year and married her the week after their college graduation. This was Brenda's idea since she was from Florida and she figured if her family all came up for the graduation why spend extra money to come up separately for their wedding? This logic made sense to Harold who had decided to stuff his romantic heart in a steel box when he was unable to solidify a date to the senior prom.

Brenda was a lovely. She was a very plain girl who was quick to laugh about most anything. She had found some very helpful ointments for Harold's eczema on his cheeks. She told him the best way to wear his hair and made sure he always ate organic.

Harold couldn't have asked for a better wife.