Waiting for him

Stuck in traffic, just great! Could my day get any worse? Some idiot had held up everyone by stopping his car to go to a shop. Can you believe the nerve of some people? Acting like nobody else existed outside themselves. I saw a policewoman going towards him as he left the shop. When she approached him he started shouting at her. I couldn’t hear what they were saying, but the situation looked heated and the cars were piling up and people were honking their horns impatiently-as if that ever helped to speed things up.

I needed to calm myself, I just wanted to get out of the mess and not just the traffic jam. My life was starting to look the same. It was unraveling fast and all I wanted to do was flee, but I was stuck, just like I was stuck here in my car with nowhere to go, but with a sense of urgency that had me feeling more and more anxious every day. One thing was good the heating in the car was working for a change, I just had it fixed. Was it the only thing in my life that was working? The thought depressed me and didn’t make me feel any better. I had an appointment, one that had my stomach in knots. Maybe this was a sign, maybe I should never have agreed to it. What was the point anyway?

I could see that the policewoman had given the man a fine, he walked away visibly annoyed with a piece of paper she gave him. Good, I hoped he had learned his lesson. But do people like that ever learn? There was that horribly clichè saying of a leopard doesn’t change its spots. Clichès become clichès because they have some truth in them. The cars were starting to move slowly, I put on the radio maybe some music would calm the churning anxiety I felt in the pit of my stomach.

Wouldn’t you know, of all the songs in the world Aretha Franklin’s ‘Respect’ was playing. Now that was a sign. I couldn’t help it I started singing with her, giving it my all. I felt those words- they said everything I hadn’t been able to say for so long. After it ended I just knew I had to take a moment for myself before going to the appointment, I needed to regroup, too much was going on and I felt like I was drowning and in desperate need of air or a lifeline. But who would give it to me?

I stopped at a Mc Donalds. I’d just grab a coffee and try to catch my breath. I had dressed smartly and was wearing a gray jersey dress with my lucky tulip broach my mom had given me. She was no longer with me, but the broach reminded me of her love and made me feel like she was with me somehow. And how I wished she was. She always knew exactly what to say to me. I missed her so much at times it felt like my whole body ached with her absence. Since she was gone, nothing had ever been the same and it probably never would be.

I paid for my coffee and went to sit by the window. I messaged him that I would be a little late because of traffic, no answer of course. It didn’t bode well for our appointment. I tried to take a few deep breaths.

How did my life get to this point? I just didn’t know anymore. This was not what I had dreamed of. I had the job, the car, the house and yes even the husband. But now it looked like it was all changing. And with all that I had, how could I tell anyone that I didn’t feel happy with any of it. Weren’t these things supposed to make me happy. And the job, oh the job. Today human resources called me in to tell me that the company I had worked for all my working life with great loyalty and dedication in sales was terminating my services because I was redundant. What a horrible way to tell someone they’ve lost their job. But wasn’t that just it, that perhaps I was becoming redundant in my own life because I really didn’t know where I fit into it anymore. It just didn’t even feel like mine anymore. Despite all the hard work and effort I put into keeping it this way for so long. I was tired and very lost.

The coffee tasted bitter or perhaps my state of mind had something to do with it. I tried to put some sugar in it but I messed it all over the table. I couldn’t be bothered about it anymore so I just left it there and went back to my car. I couldn’t run away from things and I had to face life no matter how awful things felt. My mom always did, she never ran away from anything. As a single mom she did everything she could for me. She wouldn’t want me to wallow in self pity. She’d hate that.

I drove the rest of the way in silence, it was better to have the radio off with the way I was feeling I didn’t want to be triggered by anything.

The office where I had the appointment was in a new part of town, so many new builds built without imagination. Everything looked the same. Cement and windows in what I think was an attempt at being modern, but really just looked sad. When I rang the bell to be let in, I looked at my watch and noticed that I was not late at all. Me and my habit of always being early. I always made a point of leaving fifteen minutes earlier than I had to. So it was ironic that someone like me should always be left waiting.

The receptionist flashed her professional smile at me.

‘Come in Mrs. Roberts. The doctor won’t be long. Have a seat, would you like something to drink?’

Thank you, I’d love a glass of water. Has…’

‘No, not yet.’

I took a seat in the very expensive looking waiting room, but this was no ordinary doctor’s appointment and the space reflected that. They even had some great magazines and a fair variety of them. Not like my usual doctor’s waiting room where the magazines were really old, tattered and boring .

Of course it was to be expected that he hadn’t arrived. That was always the way between us. Me waiting for him. That’s all it ever felt like waiting and more waiting.

Waiting for him when he said it he’d be home for dinner. Waiting for him to decide when the right moment to have children would be. Waiting for him to be the person he had been when we started seeing each other, before we got married. Did that person really ever exist? Waiting for him to be someone else. I just couldn’t take all the waiting anymore. I wanted to leave him but he said let’s try, let’s go see a marriage councilor, a friend of mine knows a really good one. We can do this, we can fix it, don’t give up on us. And I who have always hated waiting,am waiting yet again. Waiting for him not to let me down yet again. I want to cry, but I can’t everything feels stuck with all the feelings I’ve been keeping in. Even for that I’m waiting. But what am I waiting for? For a better day? I am waiting for him to see me. I know though like I’ve known for a long time now, he never will and I’ll always be waiting.

I’m sitting here in this waiting room wishing he had actually showed up in time. Swallowing my disappointment yet again. I feel scared that like a dormant volcano I might suddenly explode. I have had enough. I’ve had enough of waiting. Could this be the end of the road for us? I feel like it could be for me.

I turn my watch strap to get a better look at the time. Did he have to be late? The receptionist brings my water and tells me not to worry. The doctor is running late too. I pick up a magazine and pretend to read. My life is unraveling and here I sit, waiting, always waiting for him.