No Time To Lose

I was not feeling the love.

Emma looked back and forth between me and her notebook. I didn’t see why. I knew all she did in that notebook was doodle pictures of horses.

“Emma, if you’re going to play therapist, can you at least try to listen.” I groaned.

She put down her notebook to give me a judgemental look. “It’s not my fault you were too cheap to pay an actual therapist to listen to your problems.”

I held up a hand to silence her. She took a deep breath and gestured for me to continue my word vomit.

“For starters, Emmet-”

“Dumped you? Yeah, I know.” She said, sounding politely bored.

I blinked. So far, I hadn’t told anyone except for my journal.

“How do you know?”

She yawned and scrolled through her phone. “It was either that or he was cheating on you.” She stopped scrolling and showed me her screen.

I felt my cheeks start warming up like a tea kettle. “Who is that?”

“Your boy- Sorry- Ex-”

“I mean the girl he has his arm around you moron!” I shrieked.

“Oh, that’s Sabrina Huegins. She goes to my gym. We don’t really talk but-”

I snatched Emma’s phone away and stared at the photo.

“I wouldn’t do that if I were you-” Emma warned.

I didn’t listen. I kept scrolling. Emmet and Sabrina sharing their first kiss. Emmet sharing his food with Sabrina, Emmet gifting Sabrina a necklace. Sabrina… Sabrina… Sabrina!

“Doesn’t he have something else in his life other than this-this girl?!” I yelled, completely baffled.

“I wouldn’t be talking if I was a lonely, single, no friends person.” Emma whistled.

I glared at her. “Whose side are you on?! And I have friends! I have you, don’t I?”

“I’m your sister.” 

“Sisters can be friends.”

“Oh honey…” Emma shook her head.

I had no words. Whenever I tried to speak, my eyes just kept glancing over to Emmet and the beautiful brunette he was with. I knew I would be spending Christmas alone, but knowing Emmet was doing good-if not better than he was without me, felt like a knock on the head.

Finally, Emma patted my back. “It’s okay to be lonely sometimes. Post breakup stress.” She took her phone back and put it in her pocket.

“I have friends.” I muttered.

“Of course you do, sweetie.” Emma patted my head like I was some kind of child with a boo-boo.

“I have Mary.” I murmured.

“She’s in Wisconsin.”

“Kendra?”

“Also in Wisconsin.”

“What about Helen?”

“That was your boss at your old job. In Wisconsin.”

Then it hit me. I sat up straight. “That’s it!”

Emma did not share my enthusiasm. Reluctantly, she sighed. “What is it?”

“My life! All of it! It’s in Wisconsin!” I said, pacing around the room.

“Mhm.” Emma murmured. “And?”

“I should go back to Wisconsin.” I said it like it was obvious.

That got her attention. “What?! You’re moving back?”

I shook my head. As pathetic as my life here was, I couldn’t just pick up and leave like that. “No. Just for the holidays. To gather my thoughts.”

Emma thought about it. Finally, she pushed herself up out of bed and grabbed her travel bag. “Alright, when we leaving?”

I raised an eyebrow. “We?”

Emma rolled her eyes. “Yes, ‘we.’ I miss our old town. I wanna see mom and dad. And I also have some friends there I wouldn’t mind reconnecting with.” 

I raised both eyebrows, clearly surprised. “Guess we’re going to Wisconsin.”

***

I forgot the plane tickets.

After planning for 3 hours what clothes I would bring and how I would greet my parents when I saw them in person and not on a phone screen… I forgot. I had my suitcase all packed and ready to go. So did Emma. But I forgot the plane tickets.

Emma saw my discomfort. “Having second thoughts?”

I shook my head. “I didn’t…” I took a deep breath and tried again. “I didn’t… book the flight…”

Emma smiled like she was gonna kill me… Wait no… That didn’t look like a murderous look. In fact, she didn’t look mad, disappointed… no kind of resentment in her face. Her smile… Was it a grin?

She waved two tickets in my face and nodded toward the door. “Got that covered, let’s go.”

***

You know you have the best relationship with your sister when one of you forgets what you ate for breakfast and the other is busy recalling a dinner from 6 years ago. That was me and Emma.

“Jamie, hurry up. We’re going to be late, then I’m actually going to be mad at you.” She muttered as I stopped at a red light.

“I’m going!” I snapped.

She groaned. “Can you at least go the speed limit?”

***

Frankly, I think we could have caught our parents under better circumstances.

Emma rang the doorbell, wearing her best smile and light blue scarf with a red coat, which shouldn’t have worked, but it did.

Mom answered the door. Multiple expressions appeared on her face in a matter of ten seconds. Confusement, surprisement, relief, happiness, and realization that she had on a shirt with a ketchup stain, was wearing a messy bun and sweatpants.

The woman had no words. She opened her mouth to speak. She pulled Emma into a hug. “Emma! Oh my, Jamie too?” She pulled me into the hug and rubbed my back.

I didn’t realize how big I was smiling until she smiled back at me. “Hi mom.”

***

It was a small town. Word got around that Jamie and Emma Louis were back in town for the holidays. In fact, when I went to get coffee at the local shop, I saw at least 6 people from high school.

“Jamie?” I flinched when I heard a male voice behind me. He scoffed. “Mark wasn’t kidding.”

I was reluctant to turn around. I took too long debating whether I should pretend I didn’t hear him or look him in the eye. He was now standing in front of me.

I forced a smile. “Adam! So nice to see you again.”

He looked at me like he didn’t believe me. I don’t see why not. I have always been an excellent liar.

“You too…” He looked me down from head to toe. “Wow, you’ve changed a lot.”

I studied him myself. “Can’t say the same.” He had the same messy sandy brown hair that should have looked lazy on anyone else, but on Adam, it seemed to fit him just right. His sea green eyes still shone with that playful gleam in them.

I only realized I was staring when he cleared his throat and went for the exit. “Well, see you tomorrow.”

“Yeah, you…” I was about to finish my sentence when the gears in my brain started to work again. “Wait-what? What do you mean ‘see you tomorrow’?”

He looked confused. “Aren’t you staying with your parents? They invited me to stay with them.”

My eyes widened.

You mean I came here to take a break from Emmet and Sabrina… Just to reconcile with my other EX?!

I mean, sure, I came to see my parents too, but still.

I turned and fled without realizing that I left poor Adam just standing by himself.

***

“I cannot believe you still talk to Adam!” I exclaimed.

Dad tried to calm me down. “Jamie, you know we always had a soft spot for Adam and his family. It felt wrong not to offer him a place to spend the holidays when… certain complications turned up.”

“What does that even mean?” I threw my hands up in exasperation. “Where is he even staying?”

Mom shrugged. “Well, you didn’t exactly give us a heads up that you were coming, so we offered him your room…” Mom saw that I was already getting fired up so she continued. “But now that both you and Emma are here, he can have Emma’s room and both you and your sister can stay in yours.”

I didn’t mind sharing a room with Emma, but I didn’t exactly travel all the way from New York just to share a house with the ex. Not just an ex. The ex. The first person who broke my heart. Then patched it up with some duct tape and ripped it off again like some old bandaid.

Adam and I had a complicated relationship.

***

Sure enough, in 2 hours, Adam appeared, lugging along a huge suitcase and smiling at me like we were friends for years.

When I saw him at that coffee shop, my mind didn’t exactly register who he had been in my life, but now that he was in my home, greeting my sister and hugging my parents… There were so many things I wanted to say to him. More about the things he didn’t say to me. Over the past 10 years, I hadn’t received so much as a snapchat from him. It was like he had just disappeared. And yes, I realize that we broke up… but he was a huge part of my life.

I was so deep in thought, I didn’t even realize I had started mindlessly pacing around the room, until my foot hit another foot and I fell face first into the floor. Adam was in the way, then he moved out of the way just seconds before my face hit the floor.

Emma giggled and Adam looked horrified.

“I-I am so sorry. It was… It was instinct!” He said, trying to offer me a hand.

I smacked his hand away and lifted myself up on my knee, and smiled sweetly at him. “This has been fun. I am going to my room now.” 

***

I woke up at 4 in the morning. Why? No, it was not because I couldn’t sleep.

No, it was not because I was obsessing over Adam being in the next room. (I only did that for about 5 minutes) It was because Emma kicked me in the gut in her sleep. I might as well have fallen on the floor again. The only thing keeping me up was the blanket, still tucked into the sheets, because we were both ridiculously neat when it came to sleeping.

But now that I think about it, a nice glass of water does sound kind of nice. I mean, I’m already awake and all.

I walked down the hall, but as soon as I poked my head in, I saw the back of a head. Adam’s head. I jumped. Why he would be awake at this time, I didn’t know. He didn’t even have a roommate.

I didn’t need water that badly. I quickly whipped around and tried to walk back to my room, but I tripped on my pants and gave a quiet little yelp. Not loud enough to wake anybody up, but not quiet enough to not attract Adam’s attention.

“Jamie?” Adam asked.

“Um… No?”

“Just checking.”

I wiped the grin off my face as I walked over and sat down at the chair next to him. “Why are you up? It’s so late it’s considered early.” I grumbled.

I realized that I was sitting in front of Adam with my hair a mess, no makeup, and circles under my eyes.

For some reason though, that didn’t bother me. I had always felt comfortable with Adam. He didn’t seem to judge you. I always assumed it was either because he was too clueless to notice, or just didn’t care. Both options were equally sweet.

“I couldn’t sleep.” Adam said.

“Huh?”

“You asked me why I was up so late.”

“Oh. Yeah.”

He looked at me, as if waiting for me to say something else. “What about you?”

“Emma woke me up.”

“She sleep talks?”

“Nah, just sleep kicks.”

He laughed and my heart did a little jumping jack. I had forgotten the enchanting sound of hearing Adam laugh. He sounded so sweet and genuine.

“While we’re here, can I ask you something?”

He shrugged. “Sure.” 

“It’s been 10 years since I last saw you.”

He nodded, as if the thought itself was troubling. “I know.”

“You didn’t answer any of my texts. You didn’t try to reach out. At all.” My mind flashed back to the day I left for New York. The day after we broke up, because we couldn’t do ‘long distance’. He had said, “I really am going to miss you, Jamie. More than you could ever know.”

I continued, “I know we had just broken up at that point… but still. You were an important part of my life, Adam.”

He took my hand. “You were an important part in my life too, Jamie.” He shook his head. “I was still trying to get over our breakup. Figure things out. After I finally got over it… It felt too late to reach out.”

I guess I hadn’t realized how much my heart ached to see him again. This felt so much like high school. Everyday we would talk hours and hours about the most random and funny and deep things ever… and then it would turn into a make out session.

“I guess.” I murmured.

He smiled. “I just want you to know how happy I am to see you.”

“Me too.”

“Really?”

At first, I didn’t know if I meant it, but now, I was genuinely glad to have the guy that I used to be best friends with. That I used to share everything with. But those two words kept coming back to me. Used to.

I nodded. “Really.”

He locked eyes with me and started moving closer, but I quickly looked away and cleared my throat. This wasn’t the time. I didn’t come back here for Adam.

I faked a yawn. “I’m going back to sleep. You coming?”

He shook his head. “I have some things to think about first.”

***

The next few days were the most confusing of my life. It felt like Adam kept trying to connect with me. The worst part was that he always did. That same familiar pattern that we used to share was still there, but I wasn’t sure if I wanted it to be there.

Maybe I never loved Emmet, but the breakup had been pretty recent. It still ached. Especially when he kept posting more cute pics of himself with Sabrina.

***

Finally, Adam seemed to have figured me out. 3 days before Christmas, he cornered me at the coffee shop. (Again.)

“We need to talk.”

I hated the fact that I recognized the tone in his voice. I recognized everything about him. And it felt so good to know that I still knew him.

“Fine.” I agreed and sat down. I had a feeling I would need to.

Adam sat down too. He tried to meet my gaze, but I wouldn’t let him. He frowned. “That. That right there. Why are you holding back on me, Jamie? I know we may have a rocky history, but over the past week, every time I try to talk to you, you shut me out.”

I  felt like I was on a game show and didn’t know the right answer. I kind of wanted to phone a friend. Such as Emma.

I sighed. “Look, Adam…Yeah. I am holding back on you. You know why? Because I have no idea if I want to know what it is that we have. I know we have something. And it’s good. Really good. But a guy dumped me less than 2 months ago.”

“Did he matter?” Adam asked.

I looked at him sadly. “None of them do.”

“I still don’t understand the problem.”

“Gosh, you make it so hard not to like you!” I snapped, my cheeks starting to warm.

At that, Adam began to smile. “You always had trouble admitting your feelings.”

I couldn’t help but smile. Why was I against this? Adam was everything. I had no idea what I should do, but I knew what I wanted to do.

So when Adam kissed me, I let him.

Yep. Exactly like high school.

***

Emma looked around the living room. “Come on everyone, get closer! Adam, move closer to Jamie.” She ordered.

As Emma was getting ready to snap the picture, Adam bent down to murmur in my ear. “Look up.”

I did. On top of us was mistletoe. I rolled my eyes. “You know I hate that tradition.”

“Aren’t you willing to make one exception?”

I turned around to face him, but as soon as I did, he kissed me and Emma snapped the picture.

Now, looking back on it, I realize that we had plenty of time to figure out our relationship.

But we never had any time to lose.