Always and Forever

It's been 3 days, two hours and 42 minutes since my father died. 43 minutes now. Even though it has been days since his death was confirmed, it just feels like he went away for the usual business trip and that he would be back a few weeks later, baring presents. Well, I guess all of those years of smoking finally caught up to him.

I don't want his death to be something that affects my life. I guess, besides only having a mother now, normal people would kill to have my life. I don't mean to sound full of myself but imagine a life like this: a pretty olive skinned girl with two, no--one, loving parent and who is destined to be heir to the throne that is the CEO of a great banking company, Banked. At school, people see me as the outgoing, straight A, popular student who has her whole life planned out for her. Why let that change over something like the death of my father? I should just move on, right? Pretend that absolutely nothing changed. That I am not waiting every night for a goodnight text from wherever he was. That I will be fine...

The next day...

It is the first day back at my school since spring break. I will smile and say thanks to all of those at school that pity me. I, like Elena from Vampire Diaries, will show them that I am fine and try to stay my normal self.

"Have a nice day at school, V," Mom said. Mom doesn't look like she is fazed by fathers death. She cried before and moved on. Piper, my husky puppy, runs up to me so I bend down, pet her and give her a kiss on her forehead. "Bye Mom." I say while I pretend to be as collected as she is. I walk away while I pretend to not notice the look of pity on her face as she walked away.

The other students reactions at school was as I expected. People kept asking if I was okay and I gave them my most genuine smile and lied. All of the classes blurred together. It was like I was half there, taking notes, nodding and smiling and a whole other half of me was away in my own head. Somewhere away, with my dad.

At lunch I sat where most people would consider the popular kids table, but to me they are just my friends.

"Oh my gosh, V..." they basically said in unison and hugged me. Their pity is different from everybody else's pity. They know me. They have been there for me, the good and the bad and so have I for them.

"Hey," my friend Victoria said. "How are you doing?"

"I'm...fine?"

"Fine?" my friend Max asked. "V, you seemed to have moved on quickly but you should not hold all of whatever your feeling inside."

"Yeah," Julie, another friend, said and grabbed my hand. "We are here for you."

"Always!" Max added.

Were they right, should I open up to them? No. I'm fine. I'm fine.

"I'm fine. Really, thanks though. You guys are the best and I hope you will be able to make it to the funeral on Sunday."

"I wouldn't miss it for the world, V."

That Sunday...

Today is the day. 9 days now, and I lost count of the hours and minutes. I dreamed of him. Dad. It was memories, like the time that I first learned how to ride a bike. It was the perfect time to learn: summer. It was hot outside and it felt like the sun was breathing its hot breath on the back of your neck. I didn't mind the heat that much because it was one of the first times that Dad was not on a business call, meeting, or trip. He was there, for mo and only me. In the little time that we were together, he made me feel like the most important person in the world, like I was the meaning of his happiness, his existence. We were on the road no one really used for diving in front of our house and Dad had one hand on my back and one on the handle, holding my hand on it firmly to ensure me that he would not let me fall. He never let me fall.

"I'm scared, Daddy..." third grade me said.

"I will not let you fall, I'll be there for you Always and forever. I promise. Got that Ronnie?"

"Okay..."

I woke up and when I found he wasn't there, I felt a tear drop come down my face. Quickly I wiped it off and thought about what he said Always and forever. It was naive of me to think that he would always be there to hold me while I tried new things. I let myself believe that he would always be there, blissfully unaware of the tragic truth of death.

I got dressed into my black dress that I never had to wear before and let the day begin.

At the church, I sat in a chair next to my mother and Victoria. It was jammed with people who were business associates with my father. The service began and I felt like I was back at school again. Half listening, half away in my imaginary safe place in my head.

"...And I invite Veronica Siles up to say a few words for her father."

I looked at my mother and then at Victoria who gave me an encouraging nood to go up. I walk up to the stand and looked at everybody's faces. I feel a press on my back and on my hand. I can't do this. I can't pretend that I am fine. It hit me that I will not be okay so I run before anyone can see the plentiful tears running down my face.

I run until my legs give out and I end up three blocks away from the church.

"Hey! Veronica..." Victoria panted. "What happened? Are you okay?"

I'm not okay. I'm not okay. I'm not okay. "I'll be fine..." I say looking in the other direction.

"No," Victoria said stubbornly and sat on the bench next to me. "That did not look okay, V. I'm your best friend, let me be there for you. I can't help you if you don't let me try to."

I turn to the person who came today to support me and I cry, "I'm not okay. M-My f-father is gone, Tori! He's left and he is never coming back. He broke his promise and I know he could't help dying but why? Why is he gone? He said always but he is not here. He promised forever and guess what, he is dead, Tori. He's DEAD!"

I started to crumble apart like ancient ruins. My tears were falling down my face uncontrollably and all the feelings that I cooped up inside were exposed. My anger, guilt and overwhelming sadness. But despite me having a big fit, Victoria sat there and let me lean on her. She rubbed my back and murmured how sorry she was and how it was okay for me to let it out.

And in that moment I learned that maybe nothing is always and forever but if you hold on to those you love, you will find that they are with you, always and forever.