Mind Fuckery: A Survival Guide for the Seriously Duped For women over 50, married for over 20 years. This one’s for you.

So, what exactly is mind-fuckery? Imagine your brain being tossed into a spin cycle, set to gaslight, manipulate, repeat. It’s a toxic cocktail of long term gaslighting, emotional blackmail, pathological lies, and a healthy dose of crazymaking behavior, shaken not stirred. Mind fuckery doesn’t just hurt your heart; it takes aim at your sanity, leaving you doubting your reality, your worth, and your ability to ever trust again. 

It all started with a “family meeting.” My husband at the time let’s call him “J the Cheater” (because jerk feels a little too on the nose), sat me down on the couch one night in 2009. I was flanked by our two teenage kids, my sweet, unsuspecting boy and girl, and he opened the meeting by informing me, with their nodding agreement, that I was “acting crazy.” My behavior was “off,” I was “irrational,” and get this the family had decided I was the one who needed to change. 

I can still feel the sting of those words. 

Of course, at the time, I bought it. I thought, Maybe they’re right. Maybe I am losing it. What I didn’t see then was that this meeting wasn’t a cry for help, it was a power play, the first step in what would become a long, excruciating descent into self doubt and confusion. 

Let’s rewind. 

When your husband becomes distant, cold, condescending, and critical, when he stops touching you, refuses to kiss you, rolls his eyes every time you speak, is it any wonder you start to feel unhinged? But “J the Cheater” didn’t stop there.

He told me I smelled.

He said I was “suffocating” him every time I tried to hold his hand or hug him. 

He refused to sit near me at social functions or even acknowledge my existence when he walked through the door. 

I tried everything to fix it. Cleaned more. Cooked better. Stayed quieter. Tried harder. And the harder I tried, the more distant and cruel he became. I didn’t know it then, but he was gaslighting me into submission, into believing I was the problem. 

In reality? He was having an affair with his secretary woman 15 years younger, who, according to him, provided the services I apparently couldn’t. Talk about cliché. 

Here’s the kicker: when I finally found out, I still wanted to save the marriage. That’s the thing about mind-fuckery, it’s not just about the lies they tell you; it’s about the lies you start telling yourself. Lies like: 

I can fix this if I just try harder. 

Maybe it’s my fault. 

 If I leave, I’ll lose everything. 

But here’s the truth: you don’t have to stay. You don’t have to fix it. And you don’t have to settle for being mind fucked. 

 Why I’m Writing This Book !

This isn’t your typical self-help manual. It’s a survival guide for women over 50 who’ve been married for decades, only to discover their “forever love” is a mind-fucking cheater. It’s about the comeback, and how to deal with this kind of crap without losing your sanity. 

I’ve wanted to write this book for 15 years because if I can spare one woman the hell I went through, it’ll be worth it. Maybe you’re sitting there with your own version of “J.” Maybe he’s swapped you for someone younger, thinner, or blonder. Maybe you’ve been told you’re “crazy” too. Or maybe you’re just starting to notice the cracks in the facade. 

 Advice for Navigating Mind Fuckery 

1. Trust Your Gut. If something feels off, it probably is. Don’t let anyone talk you out of your intuition, it’s one of your greatest tools. 

2. Document Everything . Gaslighters and manipulators thrive on ambiguity. Keep a journal of incidents, conversations, and behaviors. It’s not just for proof; it’s for your sanity. 

3. Lean on Trusted People. Find your circle, the ones who believe you, support you, and remind you of your worth. If your current circle is full of enablers or mutual friends who take his side, it’s time to find new people. 

4. Set Boundaries Like a Boss. Once you see the manipulation for what it is, draw the line. No excuses, no explanations. Your peace is nonnegotiable. 

5. Educate Yourself.  Knowledge is power. Read books, listen to podcasts, and learn about the tactics manipulators use. The more you know, the less control they have over you. 

6. Know When to Walk Away.  Did you know that 65% of women over 50 stay with cheating partners? Don’t be that statistic. You don’t owe anyone your loyalty when they’ve shown they don’t deserve it. 

7. Prioritize Your Healing. Therapy, journaling, meditation whatever works for you, do it. Healing isn’t linear, but it’s worth every step. 

 My 15-Year Takeaway 

I TOOK ME THAT LONG. Unfortunately, healing is different for everyone. I know some of you are saying, I can’t wait that long and therefore I’m not going to read this book. But maybe you will be healed in 6 months if you read this. I didn’t have a source of knowledge, or any best practices. I was alone through most of this process and made a shit ton of mistakes. That’s why I wrote this. 

Fifteen years later, I’m smarter, stronger, and finally at peace. The gray hairs and laugh lines, they are battle scars from a war I didn’t ask to fight. 

Here’s the truth: life after betrayal isn’t just possible, it can be beautiful. You don’t need a manipulative, lying, gaslighting cheater to thrive. In fact, you’ll thrive because you left them behind. 

So, sit back, grab a glass of wine (or tea, if that’s your vibe), and let’s navigate the choppy waters of mind fuckery together. Because if I’d had a book like this back then, maybe I’d have saved myself years of heartache and a small fortune on therapy. 

Here’s to your comeback, and your happily ever after on your terms. 

Mushrooming, Growing in the Dark and Fed a Lot of BS.

I thought we had a pretty good life, but then the I read the text message on his blackberry.      XOXO “Z”.                Who the fuck is “Z”? 

Ah, yes, the infamous "Z". Figuring out who “Z” was, and why “J the Cheater” had morphed into an unrecognizable jerk felt like piecing together a cruel, twisted puzzle with half the pieces missing. Was it my weight gain? My “soccer mom” wardrobe? Was it because I had become, gasp, boring? I tortured myself with these questions, assuming that somehow, it must’ve been my fault.

Let me paint you a picture. “J the Cheater” and I had been married for over 20 years. We built a life that seemed picture-perfect from the outside: a beautiful home, two incredible kids, a couple of loyal dogs, shared holidays with friends and family. And yet, hidden within the walls of our perfect life was “Z,” the proverbial “other woman,” lurking in the shadows of our marriage.

So, what happened? Here’s the unvarnished truth: “J the Cheater” didn’t cheat because of me. He cheated because of him, his bruised ego, his lack of character, and his inability to take responsibility for his own unhappiness. Sure, losing two jobs in a row might've dented his self-esteem, but instead of addressing it like a mature adult, he decided to soothe himself with the attention of someone new. It wasn’t about my haircut or how often we had sex, it was about his entitlement. Cheating wasn’t a mistake; it was a choice he made because he thought the rules didn’t apply to him.

But, oh, the mind games he played. “J the Cheater” was a master manipulator, and, looking back, the poster boy for narcissistic behavior. He didn’t just cheat; he made sure I felt like the crazy one. He planted doubts in my mind until I was questioning my every move, my every word, and even my own sanity.

Here’s a gem for you: I was the one refilling his Viagra prescription. Yep, I stood in line at Costco, paid for the pills, and dutifully handed them over, thinking they were for us. Little did I know, I was funding his extracurricular activities with “Z.” When I finally asked him where all the Viagra was going, his response? “I take it just in case.” Just in case? Really? At the time, I bought the lie because I so desperately wanted to believe him. Looking back, it was absurd.

 What I’ve Learned (and What You Need to Know) Here’s the truth: you didn’t make him cheat, and there’s nothing you could’ve done to stop it. Cheaters cheat because of who they are, not because of who you are. They make a conscious choice to betray their partner, and it’s on them not you.

When your world implodes, and you’re drowning in the chaos of betrayal, here’s what you need to do to protect yourself and start moving forward: 

 Step 1: Lawyer Up

Don’t wait. Don’t hesitate. Get an attorney. The legal and financial aspects of a divorce can be overwhelming, and you’ll need someone in your corner who knows the ropes. Regret 1: I didn’t hire an attorney right away, and “J the Cheater” walked away with more than he should’ve including my dignity.

 Step 2: Gather Financial Intel

Make copies of every document you can find; bank statements, retirement accounts, credit card bills, even frequent flyer miles, everything. Knowledge is power, and you’ll need it. Regret 2: I didn’t make copies early on and paid the price.

 Step 3: Take Care of Your Health

Make that doctor’s appointment and get tested for STDs. Yes, it’s uncomfortable and humiliating, but it’s necessary. This is about taking control of your body and your health, even when it feels like everything else is out of control. I remember that day all too well, laying there naked, getting tested for STD’s, with tears rolling down my face. I was ashamed and humiliated, but it was one of the first steps to getting my life back. 

Step 4: Build Emotional Armor

Stop thinking of him as your husband and start thinking of him as an opponent. He’s not your partner anymore, and he’s not looking out for you. Don’t let him weasel his way back in with sweet words or crocodile tears.

 Step 5: Find Your Tribe

Surround yourself with people who are firmly on your side. That might mean letting go of mutual friends who can’t pick a side. Lean on those who love you, support you, and remind you of your worth. My mom was the leader of my tribe. I knew I could trust her 100%. 

 Step 6: Redefine Your Standards

Don’t waste your energy trying to “win him back” or become some super wife version of yourself. Focus on becoming the best version of YOU, not for him, but for yourself.

Looking back, there were glaring red flags I chose to ignore. Don’t make the same mistake: 

Cell Phone Obsession: Suddenly, his phone was always locked and he was on it all the time. 

Makeover (kinda) : he started wearing nicer cloths, and wearing cologne to work. 

Frequent Work Travel and longer travel time: For a job that had didn’t required it as much before?

Criticism Overload: Suddenly, nothing I did was good enough. 

Accusations of Cheating: Classic projection. 

 My Advice to You:

If you’ve been betrayed, know this: it’s not the end, t’s a beginning. Your life is far from over, and happiness is still possible. Start by taking small steps toward reclaiming your independence and your self-worth. 

Give yourself permission to grieve, but don’t stay stuck in the pain. 

Seek therapy or counseling to process the trauma and rebuild your confidence. 

Find a hobby or passion that’s just for you, it’ll remind you of who you are outside the context of your marriage. 

And remember, you’re not alone. Millions of women have faced this, survived it, and come out stronger on the other side. You are capable of so much more than you realize, and this chapter, as painful as it is, can be the start of something extraordinary. 

Here’s to moving forward, reclaiming your power, and never settling for less than you deserve. ❤️

Duck Tape and Super Glue

 Duct Tape and Super Glue: Fixing Everything but the Truth 

Duct tape and super glue: the miracle tools every woman uses to fix stuff, right? Slap on some duct tape, hold it together with super glue, and boom, everything is “fixed.” At least temporarily. I used to swear by those two magical inventions, both for household repairs and my marriage. Except, instead of fixing actual cracks, I used them to patch up my husband’s glaring character flaws. And let me tell you, I went through way too many rolls and way too much glue. 

Every relationship needs a little duct tape and super glue now and then. I’m not perfect far from it. I leave towels on the floor, forget laundry in the washer until it smells like wet dog, hate emptying the dishwasher, and have a flair for exaggerating every story I tell. My current partner, well, he leaves his crap all over the kitchen counters, snores like a mofo, and can’t make a decision about big purchases if his life depended on it. But that’s a relationship right? You slap on some duct tape, laugh about it to your friends, and keep going. You tell family and friends your relationship is perfect, because it is, right? 

Except... when you’re going through rolls of duct tape and industrial strength super glue just to keep things together, something’s off. What I was really doing was covering up “J’s” garbage behavior and selling the narrative that he was a good guy. Most cheaters are frauds, but they look polished on the outside because we, their partners, do the PR work. We duct tape over the cracks and super glue their image so well that even we start to believe it. 

Here are a few examples of the duct tape moments in my marriage: 

 The Condescending Husband 

My dad came to visit after moving 400 miles away. During his visit, “J the Cheater” acted cold and distant, like hosting my father was some punishment for a crime he didn’t commit. At the end of the visit, my dad pulled me aside and said, “I don’t like the way he talks to you. He’s condescending.” And what did I do? I slapped on some duct tape and said, “Oh, he’s just under a lot of pressure at work, Dad. Everything’s fine.” 

 The Pregnant Wife 

When I was pregnant, “J the Cheater” told me, “I think pregnant women are so unattractive,” then he moved into the guest room for the remainder of the pregnancy. I was so ashamed, I convinced myself I must really be disgusting. So, I used some super glue to seal up the hurt and pretended that little crack in our marriage didn’t exist. 

 The Sexual Harassment Scandal 

When “J the Cheater” was brought up on sexual harassment charges at work, I let him blame shift his way out of it. “It’s just office politics,” he said. “That woman’s crazy.” Next thing I knew, we were relocated out of state, and I duct taped right over the whole ordeal like it never happened. 

The thing is, when a cheater finally gets caught, it’s almost a relief. The mask drops, and everyone sees what you’ve known deep down all along: this guy’s a slimeball. You realize you’re not crazy, he really is a narcissistic asshole you’ve been duct taping over for years. But let me tell you, I was his number one idiot, his biggest cheerleader. I bought into his lies because I had so much invested in keeping up the illusion and I loved him. Love really can be blinding. 

Years of duct tape and super glue had me convinced this crap was normal. Being treated like garbage in front of your kids and family? Not normal. Having someone put you down, criticize you, and act superior at every turn? Also, not normal. But I didn’t want to face the evidence. I didn’t want to peel back the duct tape and see how bad the cracks really were. 

 Lessons Learned 

Here’s the hard truth: duct tape and super glue can’t fix a broken partner, and they shouldn’t have to. Some cracks in a relationship are just quirks, like snoring or forgetting to empty the dishwasher. But others are deep fractures in character, trust, and respect, and no amount of patching is going to hold those together. 

 Advice for Moving Forward 

1. Stop Covering for Them 

If you’re the one constantly making excuses for your partner’s behavior, stop. Don’t duct tape over their flaws and call it love. Recognize the difference between a bad day and a bad person. 

2. Listen to the People Who Love You 

When someone you trust raises concerns, like my dad did, don’t dismiss them. They see things you may be too close to recognize. 

3. Face the Cracks 

Take an honest look at your relationship. If you’re spending more time fixing it than enjoying it, that’s a sign something’s fundamentally wrong. 

4. Don’t Settle for Less 

Love isn’t supposed to hurt, belittle, or shame you. You deserve a partner who builds you up, not one you have to prop up with duct tape and glue. 

5. Know When to Walk Away 

Some things can’t be repaired, and that’s okay. Walking away from a relationship built on lies doesn’t mean you failed; it means you’re brave enough to choose yourself. 

In the end, I realized I couldn’t fix “J.” His flaws were his to own, not mine to repair. I was tired of patching up a sinking ship while he poked holes in it. So, I put down the duct tape and super glue and walked away. And you can too.