The Sum of It All

“Who is that?” Ben had asked me. My ears turned red from embarrassment as the slow

recognition kicked in. She walked, no, stumbled more like, to our table falling into the centerpieces along the way.

I always wished to see my mother again. I just never imagined it would be like this.

How could she show her face, drunk, clearly on drugs, and on my wedding day no less?

I didn’t even recognize her when she barged in.

“If it isn’t my little one.” she hiccupped. “Your father always said you’d make sumfin of yourself but, I never saw it.” She swiped my champagne from in front of me and chugged it. Wiping her mouth with the back of her hand. “Guess ‘e proved me wrong.”

The smug grin on her face made me wish there weren’t so many people watching so that I could smack it off her.

“Get her out of here!” I screamed, standing and knocking over my chair, bordering on hysteria.

Ben’s hand was at once on my arm steadying me in confusion.

“Now now. No need to get all huffy.” She continued. “I just came to wish you the best. Looks like you’ll be doing better ‘an me. I must ‘ave done something right for you.”

I flung Ben’s hand off my arm and marched around the table. She laughed at the sight of me, white dress and red-faced storming towards her but still she backed away. The other guests were watching, but no one moved.

“You best watch your temper love, or your man ‘ere gunna see just what kinda blood you come from. He’s gunna dump you back where he found you so fast your head’ll spin!"

“Jessica calm down! What are you doing?” Ben was moving now. He wasn’t quick enough to

catch me before I grabbed my mother by her hair and yanked, dragging her behind me as she batted at my hand. There wasn’t much too her after the years of bad choices, it made towing her out that much easier for me.

I could hear gasps through the crowd. No one here had met my family. I made sure of it. I kept my distance from anyone that knew where I came from.

Ben was at my side by the time I made it to door and into the hall. He pulled the doors closed behind me and I flung the rats nest of hair as hard as I could. My mother tumbled and tripped over herself, falling into the wall before sliding on the floor still laughing.

“You really did get some of his spunk, didn’t you?” Her cackling was making me unhinged.

“Jessica, you’re making a scene! Who is this woman?” Ben looked from her to me, searching our faces for answers.

“Benjamin, meet my mother.” I pushed a fallen strand of hair behind my ear in a small attempt to calm myself. “The one and only woman who knows how to ruin my life better than anyone else.”

“You told me your mother was dead.” Ben took a step away from me.

“And for all I knew she was! This woman left me, taking everything I had, and everything that was home to me!” I could hear my own voice tensing, tears threatening as I yelled these words at my new husband, jabbing a finger in the air at my mother all the while. “You don’t know what I had to go through to be ok again. What I had to do to crawl out of the streets where she left me.”

The tears welled. I needed Ben to understand me, but right now he was looking at me like a

monster. And for all my embarrassment, I felt like one. “It took so much for me to trust again. It took finding you Ben.” I reached out for him, and he didn’t push me away, but he didn’t embrace me either. “I’m sorry I lied, but I never wanted to think about her or any of it again.”

“Any of what exactly?” His arm tensed under my hands.

Mother had pushed herself off the ground again and stumbled into us. Petting on Ben’s upper arm, she purred into his ear.

“She’s talking about all the poles she climbed, and all the deals she made.” Eyeing him like a

piece of candy she couldn’t wait to tear away from me. “While you were sitting behind a desk climbing ladders, she was in a dark corner climbing something else entirely. It’s a family business you know. It runs in her veins.”

Ben pushed her away and shook me off his arm. “That I don’t believe.”

“Good! Please don’t believe her Ben! She’s a lying snake!” I reached for his arm again,

desperate for his eyes to soften towards me again. “I’ll tell you the truth about my past, just help me get her out of here. We can talk about it tonight. Just you and me.”

His eyes did soften for a moment, before he scoffed and turned his back. “You’ll tell me the truth now. But I’m not sure it will matter. I don’t understand how you could lie to me so easily. And if you’ve lied about this, I ache thinking about what other lies you may have fed me.” He spun around to glare, letting his words hit me with their full force. “Honesty is something I value above all else Jess, and you, of all people, knew this. You know I would have loved you no matter what your past was, all I expected was honesty.”

My heart sank to my stomach. “Loved?” My eyes dropping to the floor, looking down at my still fresh wedding dress. Only hours since we said our forever ‘I do’s” and already ‘love’ is being put to past tense. My eyes burned with tears I wouldn’t let fall.

He turned his attention back on the disheveled heap of human that was my mother.

“You. She may be a liar, and maybe she’s done what you accuse her off, but any mother that

goes about trying to destroy her child is a shameful disgrace. You can leave now on your own, or I will call the cops.”

She put her hands in front of her in mock defensiveness. “Oh, now. No need for all that. I just wanted to be here for my little darling on such a day ‘an I was so disappointed when I realized I’d been left out. Maybe I shouldn’t ‘ave made such a scene.” Still smiling and calm, nothing was going to best this woman. “I can tell when I’m unwanted though, so I’ll just let myself out. You two obviously have a lot to talk about.”

She made her way off down the hall and I was left with Ben and his cold stare. His thoughts

veiled from me. I sniffled and fidgeted with my dress, wiping my eyes with the back of my arm. Angry Ben, was not someone I had encountered before, and I was scared to experience it now.

“I… I’m sorry... about all of this.” vaguely gesturing to the hall.

“Not now.” He pulled the front of his suit down, straightening himself. “I don’t care to be publicly embarrassed any more today. So, pull your shoulders up and put on a smile until we get through this. I don’t want to hear any more about it until this is over.”

He brushed the back of his hand down my cheek, and then took my arm and opened the hall door to take us back in.

“Sorry for the disturbance everyone. Let’s not let it ruin the mood!” He announced, guiding us back into the room.

Everyone here felt like strangers to me suddenly. I realized my singularity in this room of people that new next to nothing about Ben’s new bride. The music picked up as we navigated back to the head table.

I spent the rest of the evening making small talk with Ben’s friends and family, all the while

trying to catch Ben’s eye and gauge him again. My friendly, loving, strong Ben, who cherished honesty and honor more than anything.

I couldn’t stop questioning myself about how I could have lied to him and what that would

change about how he saw me now. Not only was I a liar, but now he’d also have to see me for the person I’ve been. I kept touching the ring on my finger for comfort. Surely, we’d work this out.

Waves of both dread and relief washed over me as the last guests finally trickled out. The hall was being dismantled and our car was pulled around.

The ride back was starkly silent. This was not how I had hoped my wedding night would be. I was so tired from the whole ordeal. As if wedding planning, and the actual wedding day wasn’t enough strain, my mother had to show up and throw her own wrench into it.

Why hadn’t I told Ben sooner? He was marrying me after all, and he had a right to know before the ‘I do’s.

When we pulled up to the house Ben opened the door for me, but he wouldn’t meet my eye. He took my arm and lead me up the steps, opening the front door and stopping. He leaned down and smelled my hair, nuzzling into my neck, before picking me up in his arms and carrying me over the threshold.

“I’ll not have you miss out on this experience.” he whispered. Continuing to carry me up the

stairs and to our room. I threw my arms around his neck and took in his scent. It never failed to thrill me. He had the best taste in colognes, but his natural musk was my favorite. The combination made my head swim for him.

He set me down and turned me away from him, pushing my hair over my shoulder to expose the back of my neck, he undid the back of my dress. I could hear his breathing change as he finished, resting his forehead on my exposed shoulders.

“Change into your night gown while I pour us a glass of wine. Then we’ll talk.”

He paused a moment, and then lifted his head and went back downstairs. I couldn’t move right away, tears were welling in my eyes again. Confused as to his behavior, unsure what I was going to say when he came back and feeling so alone and exposed in my wedding dress. Kicking myself I stepped out of it and slipped into my silk nightgown. Stashing the dress in the closet before sitting on the end of the bed to wait for him.

When I heard his footsteps on the stairs, I forced myself to take a deep breath and stay calm.

He brought me my glass of our celebratory wine, placing his on the dresser before climbing out of his suit. This was good, his movements seemed normal, maybe everything was settling now that a few hours had passed.

Hanging his suit next to my dress he sighed. He picked up his wine glass again and sat on the bed facing away from me.

“How much of what I know about you is going to be a lie?” I could see the veins in his neck

tensing.

“Nothing too important. I’m still me Ben. I may have a past that I’m ashamed of, but I am who I am now.” I fixed my gaze to a spot between his shoulder blades.

“We are all the sum of our history. If I don’t know your history, then I don’t know you, Jess.”

“You do know me.”

“I thought I did, but the Jess I knew was honest and open. You are turning out to be the opposite.” His shoulders were tensing and releasing, I could feel the hurt coming off him in waves. “I asked you how much of it is a lie.”

I could tell him. I had to tell him.

“Well, obviously my mother isn’t dead, but my father really is.” A fresh ache throbbed in my chest thinking about my father. The first slow tear began its journey. “He died when I was 7

though, not in the car crash like I had said. He… he… He was murdered by someone involved with my mother. No one could find enough proof to pin it on the guy, and mom couldn’t deal with the cops at the time either. His death was like dirt brushed under the carpet. They had the report say he died from something suicide related, despite the stab wounds. He had a closed casket.” I put my palm to my forehead, willing the tears to stop falling. I loved my father, but I had already

mourned him once, and I had done my best to move on since then.

“There’s no proof of this though?”

“Oh, there is. I saw it happen. But the proof was deemed insufficient, and the killer walked.”

“I’m really sorry that happened. I can understand not wanting to think about it again.”

“It tore me up for a really long time. I had all kinds of issues growing up. I just needed to get away from all of it. I built a new life for myself.”

“From what I saw today, it doesn’t look like you’ve gotten away from it yet.”

“No, maybe not all the way. But as long as I have your forgiveness, I’ll have the strength to keep it all together.”

“By the sounds of this, I highly doubt that’s all that you’ve lied about.”

“I… It’s difficult to just bring this all up Ben.”

He turned and looked at me then. “Yeah, that’s why you should have done it already.”

“I know. I’m sorry!” I stood up to lean on the dresser, my head was spinning. “Do you know how hard it is to meet anybody when your back story is nothing but drugs and gangs and murders? What kind of upstanding person would ever want someone like that? Someone like me!”

My shoulders heaved with the sobs. All the flashbacks of my childhood that I’d tried to forget were being pushed to the forefront. Ben’s hand appeared on my arm, his nose nuzzling back into my neck. I heard his glass clink onto the dresser top before he started gently rubbing my arm.

“I would have wanted you still had I known that.”

“You just told me that I’m the sum of my history. And my history is trash, so what does that make me in your eyes?”

He nuzzled there a second, his voice soft and rumbling when he spoke. “It makes you strong. Your history is the story of you overcoming these obstacles.” 

And so I began to tell him all the things I'd kept secret, all the things that haunted me or caused me shame. He listened through it so patiently, and despite my fears that had caused me to keep these secrets, he did in fact, love me anyway.

Our marriage had the roughest start, but we did pull through and stayed together over the years.

We're old now, watching our children and grandchildren flourish, reflecting between ourselves on the sum of it all.