Gratitude in a Hopeless Place

*discussion of mental health and suicide*

"Jade, do you want to get better?" Dr. Fields asked, eyeing me with her glasses on the tip of her nose. Her office is musty, and her couch is uncomfortable. Who is supposed to feel better in such an uncomfortable environment?

"Of course, I do" I responded as I rolled my eyes. I have been seeing Dr. Fields once a week for five months now for what she calls “major depressive disorder”. I say it's normal for people to be sad sometimes, being emotional is part of human nature. Dr. Fields agrees with that but tells me it is different for me because "normal sadness" does not lead to suicidal thoughts. But honestly, that was one big misunderstanding.

My mother exaggerated the events that took place. In my teen anger, over my homework, I snapped and told her I wished I was dead. I know, I know. It sounds bad but I just wanted her to leave me alone. I swear I was going to get to my project. Next thing I know I'm in a psych ward, or what I liked to call the clink, getting a diagnosis that has haunted me in the form of annoying Dr. Fields. 

“Jade, listen, it has been five months and we have barely made any progress with your mood. I would like to try something new, and I have some homework for next week. Would you be willing to do that?” She spoke. I shrugged, like I had much of a choice. She handed me a notebook and said “I want you to work on finding things you are grateful for in this world. I want you to keep a gratitude journal for the next week and we will talk about it at our next session.” 

I took a deep breath. “If I must…” I trailed off.

“Yes, you must. It is non-negotiable. Jade. I am trying to help you. Please take my help.” She says as she stares at me.

I glance at the clock. “Well, it looks like our time is up for the day,” I announced picking up my backpack. I ran out the door and into the parking lot to meet my mother who was here to pick me up.

“How did it go?” she uttered. It is like she is scared I am about to drop bad news. She always acts like this after a session. She thinks I am about to break at any moment, but I do suppose that my fault for making her think I was crazy.

“She wants me to do this stupid gratitude journal every day to express what I'm grateful for. It is so stupid”, I remarked side-eyeing her hoping she would agree with me and let me off the hook for doing it.

She paused and tilted her head like she was deep in thought. “That sounds like a wonderful idea. I might even do it with you.” Ugh. She has to be kidding. Of course, she would agree with Dr Fields. Doc could tell my mom that me licking a cow would make me feel better and she would believe it. We rode the rest of the way home in silence and as soon as I got home, I ran up the stairs. With a slam of my door, I was finally at peace. I put in some headphones and blasted some Taylor Swift. Yes, I am a Swiftie. She just writes music that hits so deep. Hey, you know, maybe I am a little depressed. Don’t tell my mom that. She will send me back to the clink.

I decided I might as well crack into the gratitude journal nonsense so that I could get on with my day. I spent an hour staring at the notebook while chewing on my pen. This is going to be impossible I thought. I finally decided to open trusty googly and typed in “What are people grateful for?” After scrolling through some search results, I finally landed on three things I’m grateful for. One of the most basic is my food. Two my bed, for obvious reasons. And three, my bubble baths, this one I spiced up a little from the search that said running water. I didn’t want Dr. Fields to think I cheated. I closed my notebook. Grateful that was over with for the day. I climbed into bed with a book and dozed off to sleep for the night.

The next day I slept in until eleven in the morning. I love sleeping in almost as much as I love chocolate.  I went downstairs to see the list of chores my mom had left me for the day and a reminder that we were having pork chops for dinner tonight. Ugh, of course, I have a list of chores to do. Dishes, vacuuming, and mopping all took me until dinner when my mother came home with takeout. I was so relieved because I HATE pork chops. We munched down on our tacos from the local Mexican restaurant, and I got a sudden idea to my gratitude journal for the day.

 I told my mom thanks for dinner and sprinted up the stairs. I whipped open my notebook and started writing. Number one, I am grateful my mother brought takeout because pork chops make me want to vomit. Number two, I am grateful my mom has money to buy us takeout so I could have tacos tonight instead of pork chops. Number three, I am grateful for tacos.

My mom knocked on my door and came in to say “Honey, I appreciate you doing your chores today and I am glad I got to have dinner with you tonight." She paused when I didn’t respond she continued, “I love you, Jade, Goodnight.”

“Good night, Mom” I uttered back. I don’t know why but since the clink I have had a hard time connecting with my mom. Dr. Fields says it is resentment for sending me there. She is probably right but don’t tell her that. She always thinks she's right but honestly; how can someone always be right?

I spent the next day swimming in the lake with my two friends, Sammy and Lydia. My mom asked me to stay home and spend the day with her, but I genuinely couldn’t think of anything less fun. My mom is such a buzzkill these days. When I got home, she was sitting snuggled up on the couch with a notebook in her hands. She quickly put it away when she saw me.

“Hey Honey”, she said excitedly. “Want to come watch a movie? You can pick anything you like. I heard that the new movie with Robbie Johnson is available for rent, and I know how much you love him!” I rolled my eyes. She is right, I do love Robbie Johnson. He is a perfect-looking man and I have the biggest crush on him. Hearing my mother talk about him like that gave me the ick though

“Sorry, Mom, I need to get a shower and work on my gratitude journal!”  I said running up the stairs. I paused for some reason. “Maybe tomorrow, Night.” After my shower, I plopped down on my bed to get started on the gratitude journal for the day.  Day three was easy for me. Number one, my friends, Sammy and Lydia, who have always been there for me. Number two, the lake is my favorite place. Number three, Robbie Johnson, Cause DUH! This is getting so easy.

The next day while my mom was at work she texted me that she had a surprise for me tonight. I was intrigued by this but also what could she have to give me that would be good? She doesn’t even know me anymore.

“Jade! Come down to dinner!” I heard her say from the kitchen as I was in the bedroom scrolling social media. I ran downstairs, but not too fast, I didn’t want her to think I was too excited. “Do you want your surprise?” she asked. Obviously.

“Yeah, sure” I uttered trying to play it cool. She handed me an envelope and I ripped it open. It was Taylor Swift tickets. “Are you serious?!?” I screamed as I ran to hug her only to realize how awkward the hug was. “Oh my gosh, Lydia is going to be so excited to go with me...” I started to say when she cut me off.

“I thought we could go together,” she told me. The shock was on my face. Why would she want to go? She doesn’t even know her songs.

“Why would you go?” I asked with attitude.

She sighed, “Because, Jade, I want to spend time with you, and this is the perfect time to do so.” My chest started to get hot, and my face was red. I felt a burning in my stomach and my lips started moving before I could think about what I was about to say.

“I don’t want to go with you!” I yelled “Why would I? You stare at me like I'm fragile and about to break at any moment. You don’t even know me anymore!”

“This isn’t up for debate; I am going with you and that is that,” she said sternly.

I slammed my fists on the table as I got up. “I hate you!” I screamed. I started running up the stairs when I heard my mom start to cry. I should’ve turned back around and said sorry but I'm not sure I was sorry. I ran into my room and swung the door shut. I jumped on my bed and let out a big scream. I don’t know why I just needed to get it out. I looked to my left where my gratitude notebook was sitting on my nightstand. Screw this I am done with this stupid exercise. What is there to be grateful for in this world? Nothing. Absolutely, nothing.

The next morning, I heard my mom leave for work before I walked downstairs for the day so I could avoid her. Of course, I came down to a list of chores. I was in the living room vacuuming, probably the only chore I enjoy; when I noticed a notebook stuffed in the cushions. I pulled it out and my nosey self couldn’t resist opening it up. It was a gratitude Journal. But it wasn’t mine. It was my mom's. She must have started a journal when I did. I started reading and quickly began to feel like the worst daughter in the world.

“Gratitude Journal Entry: There are many things I am grateful for in this life, but the biggest one is my daughter Jade. She is my entire world even when she drives me crazy. I have been so scared the past several months about losing her. Her situation is so delicate, and she doesn’t realize how concerning it is for me. But I am so grateful that she is here and healthy. The psych ward was such a scary time and I know it was scary for her too. Wish she would open up more about her feelings to me. I just want to help her and be there for her.  I am also so grateful I get to spend dinner with her every night. She doesn’t want to spend much time with me anymore. I think she is still mad at me for sending her to the psych ward, but I was scared and thought it was what was best for her. I just want her to let me in and spend more time with me. I am working on finding ways to bond with her, but they all tend to fail. To sum it up, I have so much gratitude for my daughter. She is the light of my life.”

I'm in tears reading this. I feel like I'm such a terrible daughter. Why am I so mean to her? All she wants is the best for me and I give her the hardest time. My mom has so my gratitude for me, but I didn’t mention her once. I didn’t even think about her.  I quickly finish my chores and run upstairs to my notebook. I got to writing because I want to fix things with my mother and make things right.

 After what felt like hours of thinking and writing I heard my mother walk through the front door. I took a deep breath and slowly creeped out to walk down the stairs. My mom caught me sneaking down midway.

She huffed and rolled her eyes. “Jade, I had a long day at work today. If you would like to argue more with me, can you at least wait until after dinner?” I immediately felt guilty and hurt. I don’t blame her for her words. She was right in her feelings. She continued walking down the hall to the kitchen to start dinner.

“Mom,” I blurted out, “I am sorry.” I paused. There was a look of shock on her face. “I'm sorry I haven’t been the nicest to you or the best daughter. I know my mental health has put a real strain on you and I never intended to do that.”

“Honey, you don’t need to feel bad for that...” she started.

But I interrupted her, “But I am, Mom. I found your gratitude journal today while I was cleaning, and I didn’t realize how much I’ve hurt you. I didn’t know how much you’ve missed me. I have missed you too.” Her eyes were starting to tear up. “I want to read you my entry today from my journal if that’s okay.” She shook her head, yes. “Today I am grateful that I am alive. I know I have acted the past few months like it was all a joke, but my mom saw through that and has been getting me the help that I needed. I am also grateful for Dr Fields for never giving up on me and forcing me to do this silly activity that made me realize I have a lot of be grateful for. Most importantly you, my mom. You have always been my rock and biggest supporter through all my worst moments. You’ve also been the best cheerleader at my highest. I can’t imagine life without you Mom and I hope I never have to. I promise you’ll never have to have one without me. You're stuck with me. I love you, mom.”

“Jade, I don’t know what to say,” she choked out through her tears.

“You don’t need to say anything Mom. You have done more than enough” I said. We embraced in a hug. “Oh, and I am also grateful for Taylor Swift and our tickets you got because we are going to have the best time ever. She started to giggle and squeezed me tighter.

                              A FEW DAYS LATER

I'm sitting once again in Dr. Fields musty office on her uncomfortable couch. This time with a little better attitude. We have sat in silence for the past 15 minutes like we usually do. It’s like we are playing Don’t Break the Sugar Bowl. She usually loses.

“So, jade,” she said. See? She loses. “How did the homework go?”

I grinned “Actually, really good.” She looked at me shocked.

“Really, care to explain?” she asked sitting you in her chair

“It led me to have a great conversation with my mother. One we really need to have. Doc, you asked me last time if I wanted to get better and I would’ve honestly told you no, the truth is now I want to change. I want this therapy to work so my mom has some peace and so I find happiness.”

“Well then I guess we better get to work,” she smiled at me. “Jade, I am very proud of you. Gratitude is a beautiful feeling. Hold onto it while we continue this process. I’m sure it will serve you well.”