Are You There God it's Me Stephanie

Are you there God? It’s me, Stephanie. I couldn’t believe I was talking to him either. Remembering how I promised myself years ago, I wouldn’t ever turn to him for help, because frankly, I never really had any kind of evidence that “God” himself did exist. So, there I was on my knees in the church that was close to the hospital, the hospital where the love of my life had been on life support for over a week.

Nothing I had ever faced could compare to this moment. I had never asked God for strength or guidance, because I never truly wanted to, after the death of my sister in 1995. Now in 2022, I fell to my knees talking to God, begging, and pleading for him to save my significant other’s life. She had become very ill, and when I took her in to the hospital, there was no doubt in my mind that something was definitely wrong with her, but we never would’ve imagined that it would’ve been something like this.

So, there I was Down on my knees, praying, talking to a God that I wasn’t sure even could hear my plea to help me out just this once. My mind racing, my hands shaking, my heart beating faster and faster as I spoke these words:

Are you there God? It’s me Stephanie,

I know it’s been a really long time since we last spoke. I know that my faith in you has been shaken since I was younger, and to be honest, I’m not really sure what I want to say, what I am asking for, or even if you are willing to listen, and maybe, just maybe, help me out just this once. I know that you don’t believe in this sort of thing, how someone could love someone of the same sex, but I want you to know that even if she hasn’t lived the most Christian way through out her life, my partner, my wife could use your help. Though I know that you may not agree, I want you to know that my wife has always taken care of me, she has always been there for people when they have needed her, and if you have been watching, she has saved me from myself more times than I could count, even if I use all of my fingers, and all of my toes.

I am coming to you to help save her, to bring her back to me, even if it is just for a little while longer, I am asking you to heal her from this pain, to give myself just a little longer, just to show her how much she is loved, appreciated, and needed in my life. I know being a lesbian is a sin, I know that it frowned upon, but sometimes I wonder if you died for our sins, that maybe me not being straight is okay. That maybe it would be more of a sin in your eyes to be with someone who I used to be with, the males that had cheated, lied, used, and abused me.

I never wanted to disappoint you, and I never wanted to not trust in you to help guide me to do the right thing, to me selfless, and an all-around good person.  I try each and every day to be that good person, to lift others up, to see the beauty in all things which is the way you intended it to be. So, when I met her, I finally knew what true beauty was, after all of the heartache, all of the mistakes I had made throughout my life, when I met her, I felt like all of life’s worry just began to disappear.

Most days, I think of her before I think of myself. Most days, I show kindness where it is needed. I know I am still learning, still changing, and still evolving. I bring this up, because without her, I wouldn’t be the person I am today, I wouldn’t be as strong, as fragile with the words I write, or even speak if it wasn’t for her existence. I need you to know that I know this seems selfish of me to want her back, to want her to be okay, for all of the sickness to leave her body so that I could have her here with me, and deep down, I know it probably is.

           Truth is, I’m not done gaining knowledge from her, I am not done showing her how much her love means to me. I am not done seeing her beautiful sleepy smile each morning or feeling our heartbeats beating in sync on the nights I feel sad and afraid, I am not done feeling her beauty inner, and outer, surround me with so much light that it begins to flow through me. She is the light of my life, and I fear that if this is her time, that the light that burns so deep with in me, will burn out, and I will feel as though I have failed at loving her, I would feel as though I would’ve failed at taking care of her like I promised.

I finished my uncontrollably begging, pleading with God in just enough time for that loud, horrendous sound of our alarm clock, and there I was, lying awake in bed with a stream of tears falling from my cheeks, and the love of my life’s arms wrapped around me tightly. Was that all just a dream? Had I imagined not only the tragedy of almost losing the best part of me?  Or was this the answer for what I had prayed so desperately for? She is safe, she is okay, and I will be able to love her, adore her, shower her with all of the things people take for granted on a daily basis, for just a little while longer, I lifted my head up to the sky with one last salty tear, as I said, thank you for this, thank you for answering my prayers.