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Dating apps are the worst.

…okay, maybe they’re not the worst-worst. They’re definitely not as bad as losing a loved one, or a world tragedy, or getting stuck in thirteen consecutive red lights on the way to work. But they absolutely rank in the top ten…top fifteen? Ugh, whatever.

A-ny-way, dating apps really suck- and I mean, really suck. One moment, you’re chatting with a nice guy and bam! They punctuate a sentence with a dick pic. Or there’s this lovely woman that all but has your heart and- unspeakable horror! Her smiles and blushes were just a front for a pyramid scheme. Through all of the ghosters, the “nice guys”, the dine-and-dashers, and the “I actually wanted a one night stand”ers, the only conclusion I can reach is that all dating apps should be wiped from the face of the earth- effective immediately!

Jo, you may be thinking, If you hate dating apps so much, then why keep using them? Couldn’t you just delete them all and meet people through other means? At work, at events, at a bar…? Well, let’s go in reverse order- bars are gross and horrible, and the people there suck. None of my hobbies involve events where I could meet potential romantic partners. My work is a nightmare already (why would I want to bring part of it home with me?), and as for why I won’t just delete the apps regardless…well, I don’t want to die alone.

The truth is, despite all of the trouble- despite all of the endless flaws I can list until my face turns blue and I need to take a breath but I can’t because I’m so stressed that I forget how to breathe…there’s a part of me that realizes this may be my best (or only) chance to find someone who loves me. Someone who could help me get out of this stage in my life. …I know, ugh, whiner alert! But seriously, the older I get, the more I worry about whether or not I’m running out of time- that I’ve already missed my chance. And the thing is, these thoughts come from somewhere. I’m not suggesting that I’ve already missed my chance out of some…abstract hypothetical. The truth is, I really did have someone with whom I know I could have had a future. And that someone was Jess. 

Jess was someone I met back in my college days. Although we had no real hobbies in common, we got along immediately- they enjoyed my “dramatic sense of humor” (I felt just “humor” would have been enough, but they insisted on the additional descriptive language), and I liked their body and face (okay, okay- their groundedness and willingness to put up with my nonsense). We quickly started to develop feelings for one another and ended up dating. 

Now, most stories would pause here and say something along the lines of “oh, that was a mistake” or “and that’s when I learned that friends should never date!” or whatever. But, honestly, we were a great couple. Even though there were so many ways in which we differed, we always enjoyed talking to one another, and found things to talk about. And when we didn’t feel like talking, we sat comfortably with one another- content to be silent together, basking in the other’s company. We also cuddled for warmth in the winter, and- okay, I’m getting off track here. The point is, anyone who thinks our friendship may have been weakened by this relationship is completely wrong. Our friendship was strengthened by it- reinforced to the point where it could never be broken! …well, as long as neither of us did something completely stupid. Unfortunately, one of us was (and may still be) an idiot.

I sigh, looking at my phone again. Whether I like it or not, one of these stupid apps is probably going to be where I find my Forever Person, so I may as well keep looking. My index finger drags across the phone screen, scrolling past social media and game apps to find the dating apps that I hid several screens in. I choose one at random and start looking at what I can only assume will be future horror stories.

Tyler, 26. "About me" contains thinly veiled misogyny. Hobbies include working out (a little basic, but okay…) and "having a huge d…" wait, how is that a hobby?! Ugh, no thanks.

Roberta, 33. Pictures are exclusively of her travels, and the captions are basically all some variation of "if you haven't traveled, you haven't lived". Um, some of us can’t afford it, Roberta! I know calling her a little judgmental is a bit of a pot/kettle situation, but I'm gonna do it anyway- this woman is super judgmental! 

Sal, 29. No actual information about himself, just a bunch of shirtless pictures. I refuse to confirm or deny whether or not I "swiped left" on this one, but I will say that I made my decision very quickly. 

I continue swiping left and right, determining whether or not these individuals could make suitable partners. That said, even when I indicate my interest in one of them, I still need them to be interested back. And then we need to talk for a bit, see if there's a connection. Then we need to go on a date, see if that connection persists. Go on a second date, a third. "Become official". Date for a while, and continue to tolerate each other long enough for one of us to pop the question. It's all…so exhausting. Is it even worth it? 

After an hour or two of swiping, I notice that I'm stifling a yawn. A quick glance at my clock confirmed that it is "way too late" o'clock, and that I need to start thinking about sleep. Deciding I would check out two or three more profiles before putting down my phone, I move on to the next person- and promptly forget how to breathe again.

Jess, 30. And I don’t need to read the profile because, through some insane coincidence, it is the same Jess I had just been thinking about. Oh no, oh no…before I can stop myself, my brain is traveling into the past- back to before I had a One That Got Away. Before I messed everything up.

The walls around me warped and shifted, transforming into a candlelit restaurant, overhead lights dimmed for ambiance. It was a relatively fancy place- about as fancy as two broke college kids could afford, anyway- something we considered suitable for our two-year anniversary. Despite the happy occasion, any passerby would not see a smile on either of our faces. Perhaps if they had shown up earlier in the evening…but the scene unfolding before me now was one from the worst part of the evening. I look at my past self- scarlet with shame, pushing a small object back toward Jess. My former partner looked at this small object, and numbly accepted it. The object flashed in the candlelight- it was a ring.

“I don’t understand.” Jess said. Their voice was strained, tears only seconds away. “You said yes.”

Past Me grimaced. This was not an easy choice for them either- or, at least, they didn’t think so at the time. Now, I can admit the truth- it wasn’t easy to say, but making the decision itself was easy.

“I know, and I’m…I really am happy with you. But I want to see my other options. I want to see what other possibilities there are out there. Yeah, we’re happy- but is this really it? Are we really the best for one another?” Past Me twisted their lips into a smile, more to break the tension than anything else, “I mean, you must have wondered the same thing, right? Like, I’m funny or whatever, but I’m not exactly a supermodel.”

I want to scream at Past Me. At the time, the decision had seemed so right- I really was happy, but I was also afraid of becoming bored. I was afraid that things would become stagnant, and I really would have lost my chance to find someone better. But now I know better- Jess was the best person I would ever be with- absolutely more than I deserve, but someone that cared about me anyway. And I threw that all away.

But the flashback is not over yet. If I had stopped there, we could have still salvaged our friendship. Jess’ heart would have been broken, but they still would have granted me my undeserved forgiveness. 

“I mean, I’m not being entirely selfless, here- I also want to see if I can find my…I don’t know, my perfect ten-”

Past Me didn’t stop there, but I’m done listening. The look on Jess’ face was enough to tell me that they had already been crushed. Nothing I could say could take back their knowledge that I was completely unsatisfied- that staying with Jess would just be settling. Jess stood up and walked away, leaving the ring behind. All humor melts from my mind- I look at Past Me’s face, ready to tear it apart. I finally give in to the temptation to scream.

“You idiot!” My voice echoes throughout the restaurant. Even though I'm pretty sure there were many people present in reality, for some reason it is just Past Me and I now. “There is no one better! They’re the only person you’ve loved! Even years later, you’re still a lonely loser! Why are you being so selfish here? Why are you screwing me over?!”

But I know it’s not fair to say that, because it wasn’t some random stranger that made this decision- it was me. I’m the one who thought that I could do better, and I’m the one who needs to live with that.

The restaurant washes away, leaving only my sad, lonely apartment. My cell phone remains in my hand, still focused on Jess’ profile. I hesitate- it would be so easy to pretend I didn't see it. I could swipe right, and silence my nagging conscience for a little while. Sure, I will end up feeling even guiltier down the line, but for the time being I could preserve my sanity. Jess wouldn't even see that I did it! The perfect plan- all I have to do is move my finger! But there is one minor problem with it…the fact that I am very clearly still in love with this person. 

As much as I try to deny it, I know that I'll never find someone to replace him. And, even though I know I don't deserve it, I desperately want him to love me back. Maybe that's why, deep down, I keep rejecting everyone I meet on these apps. Maybe the reason I keep finding flaws with all of these people is not because the apps are terrible and need to be done away with, but because the deepest part of my heart is not ready to accept anyone else. I'm the one at fault- not people whose only real flaw is not being Jess.

…except for the dick pic senders. They have at least one other flaw.

I take a deep breath. The truth is, I'm looking at this all wrong. Whether I swipe right to run away or swipe left to find something I've lost, I'm doing this for me. When, really, I'm not the one who was hurt the most here. Sure, I've had half a decade of guilt to shoulder, but I'm not the one who was screwed over by someone I loved so many years ago. Someone I thought I could trust, someone who spat in my face after giving The Yes and now has the sheer audacity to consider themself the victim. In the end, whether I swipe left or swipe right, I need to be doing it for Jess' sake. 

Yeah, I know- just like Roberta, I'm super judgmental. But, hey- at least I use my powers for self-reflection every now and then. …then again, maybe she does, too. 

I trace a heart around their photo with my finger. Even if my decision is made with their feelings in mind, I still have to acknowledge my own. After all this time, my feelings for Jess have only grown stronger. 

Smiling, I steady my finger. Resolve in my heart, I take a deep breath and swipe.