Am I to blame?

Dear Diary,

Life is great for me. I'm young, and I ended up with the man of my dreams who is perfect! My high school sweetheart and I have just had a baby! A precious baby girl whom I picked the name out. Jade is her name, just like the stone. She's everything that I have ever dreamed of. I actually talked him into having a baby with me. My family and I aren’t getting along, and Thomas is feeling like the only family that I need. After all, nothing is more important than the family you create. Life is great!

Dear Diary,

An old friend of mine texted me today to say hello, and when I say old friend, I mean my real first boyfriend. The conversation was more for him to congratulate me on the new baby and ask how life has been for me. I didn't think anything of it because so much time has gone by, and I don't think of him like that at all, being that I’m extremely happy that my life is playing out like a fairy tale. There were no old lingering feelings, and no lines were crossed.

Dear Diary,

Thomas went through my phone today and asked me who Akeem was. I let him know that he's not a big deal and just wanted to see how I was doing after having the baby. Now, I thought this was odd of him to go through my phone, and I’m not going to lie, I felt a little violated, but I left it alone and moved forward. He seemed upset and was asking me a ton of questions, which were confusing to me because I really looked at this situation as not a big deal.

Dear Diary, 

It's been awhile since I've written my thoughts down, being that this is therapy for me. Thomas and I have really been going through it. He has actually lashed out on me a few times after he has been going through my phone and my social media! Now we are in a toxic situation because I'm going through his social media now and confronting him about what I have seen. No, he isn't talking to any women, but he went through my friend list and was searching all the guys on my Facebook page and seeing if I have had any interactions with these men! I noticed that one of the guys he searched was one of my cousins who lived out of state, so of course Thomas would not have met him. Me being petty, I mentioned my cousin's name in a conversation just to see how Thomas would react, and the look of confusion and that "I'm a dumbass" look came on his face. I don't know; this just isn't feeling like love any more.

Dear Diary,

I remember when I was a kid, and I used to always get made fun of. Middle school was the worst, and that's when I didn't feel my prettiest. My best friend was light-skinned, and I'm a caramel complexion, so I was introduced to colorism at a very young age because boys would prefer the lighter complexion over the darker one. In high school, I didn't stand out, so while I had a ton of energy and happiness all around me, the other kids reminded me quickly that I should not be as optimistic. So I dimmed my own light just to not really be seen and to avoid being picked on. I reflected on this today as I realized that Thomas and I aren't getting any better, but we are comfortable with each other at this point. The man of my dreams isn't who I thought he would be. I've been his nurturer and very understanding of his upbringing. Ya see, he had mommy issues, so I naturally wanted to make him feel safe and also give him the life that he wants. He wants the mom and dad under one roof and the picture of a perfect family, and that's the exact life I want, but this isn't right. When I say he has mommy issues, I mean like after his parents divorced due to his mom cheating, she would have men in and out of their lives, and he had to be the man of the house. Being the man of the house at age 7 isn't healthy or normal. Knowing all of this about his past made me want to rescue him so that he would never have to live a dysfunctional life, but I'm learning more and more that my happiness doesn't matter to him. The fights have been bad, and I would throw it in his face that I can move on, and the comeback I would get is "Nobody is going to want you." "You're a mom; I'm the only one that will accept your body." And those words stung. I've been walking around for 2 years now feeling like I'm not good enough, while I'm taking care of the home for him and making sure there was a dinner made every night and the house was tidy. I'm at my breaking point. 

Dear Diary, 

I met someone today. I remember him from my high school, and he was well known in school. I didn't think too much of it when he reached out, but I was curious to talk to him. My relationship of 4 years is murky, and I'm feeling trapped. I'm interested in just seeing what this guy wants to talk about. 

Dear Diary, 

Thomas went through my phone again, and this time things got bad. Violence was involved; the cops were called, and I'm becoming a shell of a person. The guy that I had started chatting with turned out to be really cool, and I want out of this relationship, so I'm thinking this is the way to get to know someone and be able to slide out of this relationship. It didn't go that way. Thomas actually contacted the man and made agregious accusations about me. Some were personal. Needless to say, the possibility with the other guy was ruined.

Dear Diary,

The years are flying by, and I'm in the same cycle. This relationship is nonexistent, but we are still here just to have that picture-perfect family. Throughout the years I've been running into men who are telling them I'm pretty, have a very calm demeanor, and know how to conduct themselves like a gentleman, and that is all attractive to me because these are all traits that I don't have in my man but are traits that I look for in a man. Needless to say, none of them worked out, so I'm exhausting myself trying to get back to having that perfect relationship that I had at the age of 17.

Dear Diary, 

I have come into a spiritual awakening. I cut my hair, I have changed my first, and I've been interested in discovering myself and who I am. I have spent a decade trying to be what I thought others wanted me to be and pushing the true me to the back. I learned a new word, "narcissist," and I have been filling my head with this content because I have finally figured out that I have been in a relationship with a narcissist this whole time. Whenever I would tell him about his actions, he would say, "Well, you made me do it" or "Why did you make me this way?" He would dismiss me or my thoughts and ideas. I forgot to mention that throughout the years, he did date and live with another woman for a short time, and he would tell me how much better she was than I am. Yeah, this guy is definitely a narcissist and he will no longer have control over me.

Dear Diary,

Since coming into my awakening, life has been so full. I'm back to speaking my mind and reminding Thomas that he does not have power over me. Yes, we are still with each other, and it's painful, but "we are doing it for the kids," right? I notice that Thomas does still have a bit of a hold on me. I'm completely out of love with him, but I'm still around because he wants that perfect image of a family. I have secrets of my own though that I have kept to myself due to the shame that comes with some of it, but overall I just don't want any conflict with Thomas, so I want a separate life from him. Along with being in a long-term relationship of mental, verbal, and emotional abuse, I'm depressed and have anxiety. These are mental illnesses that I brought onto myself by making bad choices and not living a life that is good for me; instead, I’ve been making someone else's dream life come to life.

Dear Diary,

Now let's get into my secrets, because even though I appear to be this perfect woman, I haven't. I cheated on this man, and I mean a lot. After I noticed the pattern of him going through my phone, I got fed up with that, and more manly men became attractive to me. Naturally, that's what I go for, and Thomas gave me that impression back when we were 17. I had found freedom, or what seemed to be freedom, because now I'm getting attention from men, the same men that Thomas told me would never want me. I’m full on living a double life, and while it's fun, it's exhausting. Getting to know people over and over again while pretending to be in a happy relationship with someone whom I felt out of love with almost a decade ago. Now in my head, I'm not cheating because I don't love this man nor do I want to be with him, so it feels good to have sex with someone else, and this was my way to show Thomas subconsciously how much I hate him. While doing what I think is damaging to him, I'm really doing a number on myself. I had to think that when Thomas told me that I made him a certain way, in a sense I did because I really were texting other men, which is inappropriate, and I continued to do so. When I started to have sex with someone else, I lied to him and said it wasn't happening, meaning I'm not only lying for the sake of protecting his feelings; I'm lying because I don't want to deal with arguing or a legal battle. I'm more mature now and fully aware of my actions and the consequences that I've caused upon myself, which brings me to the reality that I’m the narcissist, and I do not feel guilty for how I’ve treated him. He saw that there was a divide in our relationship; he read some inappropriate text messages, so when I really started cheating, he was aware and wanted to turn a blind eye because he would believe the lies I would tell him. He knew they were lies; he still wanted to keep me around instead of having more self-confidence to move on. So my biggest secret of all diary is that I am the real narcissist in this story. #reedsysecrets