What if all the You’s were Different You’s?

Chapter ? The Middle.

“When you are married your happiness is doubled and your sadness is cut in half.” 

It was the most heartfelt message I received in my wedding cards. The rest were platitudes and generic well wishes. It was so simple yet moving. I wish that it had been true. 

——

Instead, days turned into years turned into resentment and hurtful words, and pain that wouldn’t resolve on its own. You were lost in a world that no one can reach, not even yourself, it seems. And I, unable to reach you, and no longer in touch with myself slowly unraveled into a person I longer recognized. Sunny days felt like concrete, and attempts to get along always ended in battles, neither side really knowing any longer what we were fighting. I remember the early years, when you were you, even for a short while. Well, the you, that you so carefully crafted to survive in the world. I wish you’d had a better chance. I wish I’d had a better chance. I wish we both knew how muddled and disastrous fate can be. 

I can still picture you in the middle of the street laughing and singing, after the house party you invited me to. The snow in your hair walking along the street. The innocence of the beginning. Or not. Maybe it wasn’t all that innocent, I’ll never know. But for awhile, it felt like it was. Before I knew what I know now, before everything that happened. If only I could erase some of those memories, but maybe then again, I shouldn’t. After all, I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for some of those memories. I longed for the you, who I once knew, pretended to know-who pretended to know me. 

I don’t know what to do with the middle. The hairy, awful middle. The part where it all fell apart. The parts that haunt me. So it stays in the middle. There was a beginning, a lovely beginning, and an end, a bitter end. 

—

Somewhere in that ball of twine, an intersection with fate - it happened. It. What. I don’t know. You, this YOU, a new you, entered scene. This YOU, this you -- was an accomplished YOU, this YOU knew what you were all about. Or seemed like it. This YOU knew where you were going, and where you had been. This YOU was making moves and shaking trees. I loved this YOU, I admired this YOU, this YOU was all about YOU. This YOU couldn’t really see me though. But I could see YOU. 

This YOU was going places. This YOU was YOU, mostly. But there was still something lingering; something stuck - maybe from the past, maybe something unhealed. In the pit of your stomach, churning. I could feel the churning. It felt like pain; something a little dark. Maybe it was just anxiety, but from what. Regardless, I took it. It came with me, through me, with me-like those things do. I absorbed it; not understanding it but feeling it. Wondering. Why did it feel like I knew this you already? But as if something was left unfinished, that could never be. I was proud of this you, happy for this you, a little scared of this you. This you wielded your power with dominance singed with ire. No holds barred, but underneath a gentler you. It felt familiar. I connected with the gentler you, but noticed the fear that crossed paths with the other you, and those around you. Even after feeling the heat of the flames brewing just below the surface, I felt the gentler you. Or so I thought. But this you also felt sad, sometimes. I didn’t know where to put the sadness. I used to be able to let it go through me. I didn’t quite recognize this feeling. But anyway. 

—

I wasn’t ready for this you. So I tried to understand the other you. But that you kept hurting me, though I wasn’t quite ready to let that you go. To say goodbye to the life I thought I wanted. Did want, but not with this you. This you that was mean-spirited, vile at times, yet charming - aloof on an island of pain. Pain cements well on a house of cards. Glutton for punishment I guess you could say I am. You showed me ways to unlove myself over and over again til the point of no return. I like to finish things I start I suppose. This you left me exhausted. But I learned a thing or two and I thank this you for that. I learned more about myself from this you than I could have possibly learned alone. “We’re all just walking each other home” according to Rumi. You walked me out the door into a brand new world, a world where I came back to myself, so I guess, in the end, you did walk me home. 

Back with myself, I didn’t need that you anymore, I didn’t need to cover my wounds with complicity and failure, or hide behind a wall of doubt. I could uncover the locked away parts of me again. That worked for awhile, and I enjoyed every minute of it, the hills and valleys and speed bumps and roadkill of it all. Til it wasn’t enough, til I longed for a new you. I was enough. But are we really supposed to do this alone? A YOU I’d envisioned in my mind for so long. A you I knew, but didn’t know. Knew. But didn’t know. This YOU existed only in the ethers, the edge of imagination. 

—

I hung on for awhile; to the fantasy, to the magic of it all. To the imagined you. The invisible you. The YOU I’d yet to meet. But that you was busy - busy making plans. Busy molding ideas. Busy with something, I don’t know. Busy finding a home within you I hoped. Busy being melancholy. Or maybe that was me. Back to my old ways without realizing. Busy wishing and hoping instead of doing and creating. Training from years of dissociating into a secret world of my own. I had to say goodbye to that you, the you I’d created. The you I didn’t really know, but knew. 

— 

Back to the drawing board, maybe I’ll explore me for awhile. That sounds painful. We’ll see. I guess we’ll see where this goes. Maybe YOU are out there doing the same, re-discovering you. Exploring the nooks and crannies of yourself, your heart, your mind. Goodbye YOU, hello ME. Til we meet again.