The Last Ride

CW: Contains themes of animal aging and impending loss

She was in utter disbelief, leading to a string of confusion and anger as she looked down into her porcelain cup of organic lavender tea. Tears had been held back only briefly, and she wasn’t proud of letting them out in front of Anna earlier. Esther didn’t normally cry in front of people, but she also didn’t usually get angry, either. Things could usually be thought through. Things could be reasoned with. Things could be explained. Not this. Not when an unexpected ending felt so close.

She swirled her cup, trying to think of anything other than the day as the loose leaves caught the wire mesh infuser, dying the water an opaque, murky grey to match her thoughts with a queasy grey of deathly illness and uncertainty. Esther had too many plans for them still, and the timing was beyond early. It was robbery. It was abrupt, and all too like the usual kind of luck she seemed to gather despite her strong Irish heritage. If it weren’t for bad luck, I’d have no luck at all, she brewed. 

The truth is, she had slowly seen it coming for months. The summer heat had sped up the atrophy, sinking her friend’s muscles and leaving hollow pits above his eyes. The continuous rain from the La Nińa had been hard on the whole herd, but her once shiny and spry copper pony was now flecked with grey and walked with a limp.

Norbit wasn’t just any horse to her though. This was her heart horse. Heart horses weren’t chosen by their owners; the bonds either form or they don’t, the type that boasts a partnership rather than owner and animal. Many people think horses are like dogs, complete with wagging tails when their human arrives and sulking hearts when they’re gone, but they’re not. Horses recognize the feed lady and know when that human arrives, their food does too. They may recognize their rider and run from them or greet them willingly if they like work, although most seem indifferent. Overall, if you sell a horse today, most will not necessarily miss you tomorrow.

But a heart horse might.

Esther and Norbit had been together for over seven years. She had taken him over in his prime, teenage years from a family who felt like he had more potential than they had the time to fulfil. Esther had always passionately tried to keep to her promise that he wouldn’t waste away the last of his good years, but today she wondered if she pushed him too far while trying to make up for time he didn’t even know he had lost.

Norbit was approaching 23 years old now. Some horses make it well into their 30’s before age tackles their bones and joints while others barely see 20 at all. He seemed to be in the middle, though the decline really was sneaking up out of nowhere, and quickly. 

Esther heard the whispers around her at the stables and saw the faces of her friends who kept their own retirees and young projects alike at the same equestrian center. He should be on arthritis medication! He should be working everyday! He shouldn’t be working at all - let the man enjoy his field! Were just a few of the constant opinions. She knew better than to let the concerns of horse people get to her. Honestly, she was in panicking denial as he aged, and she leaned on her friends to help guide her in managing him regularly. She wondered now if she had completely abandoned her old boy in the process by forgetting to listen to him. 

Esther couldn’t stand the thought of him being old already. After all their time together, they were finally fulfilling his potential at shows! Although they were winning, the best part to her was that he enjoyed the show ring. He behaved his best off property when he was glossed up with a braided mane, tail brushed, clean tack and glaring white saddle pad, quietly working through his ballet movements in dressage with a daintiness he never showed off at home. He sailed through a jump course like it was all he wanted, with plenty of gears in his speed box and perfect adjustability. At home he had one slow, steady pace. He even got the fastest time on the cross country course last spring, which left the barn mates in awe because he was easily the slowest at the gallops normally. It was obvious to Esther that Norbit loved to show just as much as she did, and she loved that side of him. 

This morning, however, was going to change it all. Esther’s vision blurred and the skin at the corners of eyes burned, raw with more tears, as she once again saw the whole thing. The sun came up quietly over the meadow at the bottom of the hill, revealing thick fog. The horses all looked like majestic shadows as they wandered through their overgrown, eight acre pasture. Norbit walked up to her, which is a new habit for him that warms her heart. He used to stand still while she walked out through acres whistling and calling to him, just staring with ears pricked to attention, waiting with a bold, quiet confidence only happy horses could have. Esther never put the halter over his head, but rather slipped him a slice of a carrot before walking back towards the barn. Norbit always followed, motivated by his love of treats and the promise of more. 

Through other paddocks and up the hill, Norbit kept curious younger horses away from his human, always staying only a stride or two behind her. They climbed above the haze, which was thinning fast in the rising autumn sun. She led him in between two posts in the yard’s grooming area where the wise old man stopped with his neck stretched and upper lip pinched, digging through Esther’s pockets for more carrots. She giggled sweetly and held out more for him before picking his favorite brush from her grooming kit. 

The pair loved to groom. They were oddly known for it. Esther clutched his favorite rubber curry with thick, cone-shaped teeth. She pressed it into his coat and massaged him, starting just behind the ears and covering every inch of him. He lengthened his neck again, this time to lift his head up and twisted it until one eye looked straight at the ground and the other at the sky, nostrils pinching together and upper lip once again pursed in appreciation. He splayed his feet wide so he could rock his body into the curry, leaning on Esther’s hands until she applied all the pressure she was capable of. The silly old man loved a good massage!

I have all day, Esther thought through a smile, letting Norbit tell her when he was ready to move on by lowering his head and letting out a good sigh before licking his grey lips and chewing carrot bits he'd saved for later in his cheeks like a squirrel. She would complete his grooming with the usual hoof picking and soft brush with long strokes over his copper coat and plenty of product in his tail to keep it from tangling. He liked to look his best every day, not just show days. 

She slipped on a black bridle and led him to the flat, sandy arena. She wanted so badly to ride him out in the grass jump field on top of the hill, but he had been stumbling so much over the uneven ground that it worried Esther to her core. The sand would be better. Once under the covered metal roof of the arena, she flung herself onto his bare back like Indians did in old western movies and walked off. Norbit knew his job and was happy to go forward today. 

They walked and walked, circles and figure 8’s, yielding sideways with his whole body and haunches and shoulders, stretching his nose down and collecting it back up. He felt peppy today, almost like each movement she asked of him could have been his own idea. Heart horse, Esther thought in a smile to herself.

Once Norbit no longer felt stiff, Esther asked him to pick up the trot. He shuffled quite a bit these days, not exactly picking up his feet all the way. He started to show a slight limp on his front right, and she hoped it was an abscess in his hoof. He gets those after big storms, and movement is good for working them out. This one seemed to be just about resolved as she noticed the limp was much less than even a day or two ago, so they repeated all of their fancy movements from the walk. As they shuffled, Norbit’s ears fell out, almost droopy like, and flopped with each step he took. This made Esther giggle because it was something he’d picked up doing recently, an old age thing proving contentment on his part. It was cute, and it meant he was relaxed and not overthinking. 

Satisfied with the warm up and bored with the same chores, Esther decided it would be good for the fella to try a canter today. He’d been having trouble holding the three beat gait for more than a few steps lately, but he felt fresh today. She slowed to a walk before asking him to depart into the slow rocking canter for a few strides. “Waaaaaaaalk,” she purred at him. “Can-terrr!” She lifted her seat and he lifted his shoulders in a perfect, light response. She knew it took many years to have a horse react so smoothly, even if the task seemed simple. She also knew it was their years of partnership that contributed to this mastery. 

Pride filled her heart for her big boy, who’s breeding didn’t exactly give others confidence when she would announce that they would practice dressage. She thought people with that opinion just didn’t understand this ballet for horses, because he was genuinely good at it. Sure, he wasn’t a one-hundred thousand dollar show horse whose suspension held him in the air for a full second between each hoofbeat, but he was indeed light - Esther’s attention snapped back to her horse mid thought as he stumbled hard, nearly missing a meet with the ground. That’s all it takes to remind her that this ride is for ‘maintenance’, and she shouldn’t worry about further training until she can figure out why her perfect boy keeps losing his balance.

The stumble seems to bother Norbit as well. His ears were back to full attention, swiveling to her voice and the sounds of the farm waking up around them. His eyes went from content to worried, pinching with confusion just above their center. She always wanted to comfort him when he made that face, because it was almost like he was trying to apologize. “It’s ok, Big Love,” she tried to sound comforting, not sure if he would understand or not. “Let’s just slowwww dowwwn”. She blamed herself for letting him figure out the game of walk-canter-walk and begin to anticipate the changes. “Again, now. Slowwwwly.”

He walked on, and transitioned to his canter in an overly cautious step with almost a jump to it, then back to the walk. She patted him and thought just one more for his confidence, and we will be done for today. “Can-terrrr!” She lifted her seat and he lifted his shoulders, but it was like his feet didn’t match his path of trajectory. He stubbed his right toe hard and began to lose balance. It seemed slow, and heartbreakingly like he gave up mid stride to accept the fact that they were going down. Esther saw the dirt floor getting closer to his left shoulder, then to his neck. She jumped off his back, doing her best to leave his balance alone by throwing the reins at him; She couldn’t help him and didn’t want to throw him off further by tugging his face around. As she landed and tumbled next to him, she turned in time to see him breaking the fall with his neck, though it made a popping sound as he landed on it before his back end flipped over himself and planted hard into the sand. 

He looked at her and let out a massive sigh through his nostrils with a pathetic grunt, the worries strong in those sweet, dark eyes of his. He flung his head with frustration into the ground and just breathed deep, no longer making eye contact. He laid still on his side, quiet and defeated.

It was those eyes that got to Esther, so wide as the light in them dimmed. Norbit never looked sad or depressed. He never gave up. If anything, he was a bulldog if he wasn’t getting his way, but he had never given up on her before. It was like she saw his spirit just completely break down in front of her. The lively, strong character of his soul was nowhere to be seen. It was like he was beyond embarrassed and disappointed in himself. “What’s happening to me?” written in his will.

Out of the corner of her eye, Esther saw a figure that was all encompassed by a sleek, blond braid that fell all the way down her back. “Anna!” she cried out. She turned back to her boy, who was now forcing himself to lay upright with his head off the ground and his body on top of his folded legs. Esther started to her hands all around him, looking for injury.

“What a goof!” Anna giggled. Esther realized it looked like Norbit had simply defiantly laid down to roll in the sand again, a trait she’d always wished she could train out of him yet simultaneously found endearing. He’d rolled over two of her expensive saddles, breaking one completely and damaging the leather on another. As angering as that could be, it always made everyone laugh. “That’s horses!” onlookers would chuckle.

“No,” Esther trembled, choking through the lump growing in her throat that stood between words and tears. “No, he fell again, and this time he’s not getting up." Norbit had fallen about a month ago while Esther was riding him bareback in the pasture, but everyone had written that off as an isolated event. This second fall meant something was horribly wrong.

Anna didn’t hesitate with the news. She quickly hugged Esther tight, which to Esther, was permission to cry. When they released each other, Norbit was still seemingly getting his bearings while the tears began to fall down Esther’s cheeks. He was looking around, slowly recognizing the world coming back into focus. This is it, her internal reasoning thought. She remembered the sound of his neck as he went down. “Why isn’t he getting up?” she sniffled out loud.

“Maybe just give him a minute,” Anna soothed.

Unwilling to accept that what just happened could be serious, Esther grabbed Norbit’s cheeks with both hands and looked into his eyes before moving to his shoulder and pushing aggressively. “Buddy, you’ve got to get up! Please, get up!” He seemed to understand and struggled back to his feet, steadied himself, and shook off the sand in one large body shake. His eyes were going back to their normal selves as he investigated the humans surrounding him with longing stares and pricked ears. 

“He seems ok,” Anna said with a critical eye. This made Esther feel better. “Are you ok?”

“Yeah,” Esther tried to calm the tears. “Yeah, I’m just not ready for this stage of his life.” Hearing herself say it out loud almost brought on sobs as she began to lead Norbit while she walked backwards to watch every step he took.

“It’s not fun to retire them, and I wasn’t ready for it with Mae either,” Anna empathized as she referred to her own retired mare.

Esther let out a sigh as she decided to call it day. “Thank you, Anna. He’s supposed to live and be strong forever.” She turned her gaze back to her heart horse, saying the last part more to him than her friend, as she forced a smile over the impossible comment meant to lighten the mood. Perhaps humor could at least get them back to the pasture. Anna squeezed Esther’s shoulders in reassurance before heading to look after her own horses.

Standing in her kitchen now, staring back down at that cup of tea, Esther hated the whole day. The uncertainty of how long she had left with her boy wasn’t an easy pill to swallow, even though time was never guaranteed to begin with. A knot in her gut told her what she already knew, we can’t ride him anymore. 

She sat at her kitchen table in the dark, looking through the Facebook photo album she created just for Norbit. Over 500 photos of their best times, and even a few of their worst; road trips and trail rides, trips to the beach where he dumped her in the water, laying down in sand and splashing in ponds, blue ribbons and white breeches at shows, and videos of quiet moments with his mane and tail blowing in the breeze. Heart horse, she thought, finally calming down.

It wouldn’t be easy to start the next chapter, but she finally let herself realize the moment had come. It was time to hang his bridle next to his ribbons, put the show gear in storage, and start spending the mornings sipping coffee while he grazed in that eight acre pasture she had picked out specifically for this transition. She promised to groom and hand walk him every day, and embrace lowered expectations. She raced back to the stables, grabbed her bag of treats, and met her boy back in his pasture.