The Djinn and the Jolly Wizards

Background

Umar Ali Al-Akbar was a strikingly handsome 4000-year-old Djinn, popular with men and ladies alike. He stood eight feet tall and had a firm, muscular body with a warm, bronze complexion. He had a close-cropped, neat beard and mustache and wavy black hair that was usually covered by his pristine turban.

Umar and a dozen of his brothers were employed many millennia ago by a foul-tempered Rakshesha named Paraji. When Paraji’s tryst with a shape-shifting alien from the planet Gamma Iridion went sour, she fled her Indian homeland to forget her troubles amid the Arabian sands.

The first thing that Paraji’s Gamma Iridian lover saw upon her arrival to Earth was a ceremony honoring the Indian death goddess, Kali. Gamma Iridians are telepathic shapeshifters who usually take on the appearance of whatever is forefront in the mind of the first human or humans they encounter. Thus, Squadron Sister 1110110101101110 assumed the form and name and took on many of the attributes of Kali.

Gamma Iridians are infamous for their voracious erotic appetites. A sex cult built up around the new Kali, and, over the centuries, Paraji tired of sharing her lover with lustful priestesses and drooling sycophants. The bucolic Umar spent many nights listening to Paraji’s ravings and massaging her shoulders or feet.

Many millennia later, on her quest for revenge against Kali, Paraji met a megalomaniac scientist named Captain Abigail Botterill. Captain Botterill had a hidden base called LUST-69 that was built inside a dormant volcano. The letters in LUST stood for Laboratory Under Stratum Terra, and this was the sixty-ninth upgrade of the base. Captain Botterill was warned that building her base in a dormant volcano was a bad idea, but she persisted.

“It probably won’t erupt for a while,” the self-proclaimed Empress of the Universe shrugged.

Filled with lust as they discussed capturing and enslaving Kali, Paraji and Captain Botterill became lovers. Umar found the bond between Paraji and Botterill pathological, but there was nothing he could do.

During Earth’s second world war, Kali befriended fellow Gamma Iridians Ulrich von Brandt and Samantha Zuniga, the King and Queen of Climax Castle, a Los Angeles based mansion and adult movie studio, notorious for its sextuple-x-rated films and wild sex parties. Botterill was the head of the Alien and Supernatural Search Squadron, a top-secret U.S. military agency. She ordered four A.S.S.S. agents to infiltrate Climax Castle.

Calamity

While the agents were busy infiltrating and being infiltrated, Paraji ordered the Djinn guards to accompany her to Kali’s lair, located in an underground bunker beneath Climax Castle. The Djinn took Kali and a group of Climax Castle denizens prisoner.

Having a change of heart, Paraji set her Djinn guards free. Some worked at Paraji’s side to help free the prisoners. Suddenly, the volcano where Base LUST-69 was housed roared to life.

A nanosecond before Base LUST-69 was obliterated, the Gamma Iridian Nyx slammed her hand down on a big red button inside a captured Gamma Iridian spaceship. The result was a massive fracture in the space-time continuum. The various occupants of Base LUST-69 were thrown through a myriad of wormholes.

Umar spiraled through a wormhole and popped out of a brass lamp, staring into the faces of thirteen wide-eyed wizards, who began chattering in an antiquated Germanic dialect. In his four thousand years of life, Umar had mastered many languages. He heard the men proclaim that “we now have our very own genie, and he will get us rich and laid and take us to exotic new lands!”

“Men, we must record this moment for posterity and decide on our best three wishes,” declared Sebaste, the group’s scribe. “I will interview each of you in turn. You may tell me what you felt in this marvelous moment and what you would like our Djinn to do for us. But first, we must make our phenomenal guest comfortable.”

“Your words are always too flowery, Sebaste,” Ing, the de facto leader of the ragtag crew proclaimed. “I will speak first. The rest of you fellows will prepare bedding and a light meal for our guest.”

“I wouldn’t imagine otherwise,” said Sebaste. “Dear Djinn, we will make for you a cozy straw tick, and we will feed you what foodstuffs we have on hand and bring you fresh water from the well.”

Umar said that he would allow the wizards to prepare a bed for him while he conjured up a feast. He included plentiful wine to make them happy so he could quickly fulfill his mystical obligations and return to modern times to rescue his companions left behind at Base LUST-69.

The wizards were overcome with joy at the sumptuous smorgasbord. They ate heartily and the wine flowed freely as Sebaste recorded each wizard’s thoughts.

Ing

“Scribe, record for posterity the words of your leader on the glorious day when my magic brought the Djinn to us. I tire of paying the simpletons of our village to pretend they are our captives and allow us to have our way with them. Our Djinn is our slave until he fulfills his obligation to us.”

“I tire of this rotten place where we are threatened with death for our mystical prowess and our enjoyment of playing naughty games with willing fellows. We must demand that our Djinn take us to a new land where we can live as kings. We will ask him to teach us the mystical arts because our magic is often hit or miss since I am the only one who knows what he is doing.”

“Finally, we will command our Djinn to bring us a supply of attractive and obedient men to serve and service us. Before our very handsome Djinn takes his leave, I will allow him the pleasure of letting me ride him like a steed until both of us are spent.

Ag

“Our Djinn is marvelous! Have you ever seen the like? Oh, I must admit that I did not expect that trick to work. I thought that Ing had found a simple bronze lamp at that bazaar. Mayhap it is a simple bronze lamp, and t ‘is our magic did the trick! I will never doubt again!”

“What do I think we should ask of our Djinn? My thought is not for me alone but for all of us. Would that he could spirit us away to a far-off land where we could have our little games with the fellows and not fear that we might be castrated, beheaded, and burned at the stake. I wish that we could live like kings, but we would be kind kings.”

“Also, I wish that we could have good and plentiful food such as our dear Djinn has given us today. I would be most grateful if he would allow me to give him good and plentiful pleasure in return for his kindness, but I would not dare ask.”

Eberhard

“Dear me, but this is a glorious day, best in all my life! I wish that I could ask our Djinn to make it last forever!”

“Brother, you know me, I am a simple man. I only wish to be allowed to do what I may so long as it harms none. I would wish that our Djinn would take us to a land where we may drink and fish and farm and play and make magic without fear of being burned at the stake or gutted and where we could have whichever lads desire us in return without fear of execution.”

“Sebaste, my friend, you must try these date morsels. I would eat them each day were I able!”

Guido

“Dear Sebaste, it is the best of days! Our Djinn is much like the sun. He is warm and benevolent, yet all-powerful! He is as handsome as he is generous. He is not our slave, but our helper, and I say we pay him as handsomely as we can. We are handsome men, and I say we allow him to have his way with us in return for his services.”

“First, I hope and wish and pray that our Djinn can take us from this awful place! I would be glad to live in a land where I was free and did not have to fear terrible tortures and untimely death for being as I am. T ‘is not my fault that the Gods designed me to be a great magician and a comely chap whom the lads follow like a shepherd.”

“I do hope that we agree that our Djinn should take us to a place such as I have imagined. May I say, while I would not mind living as a peasant in such a land, I hope it would not be too much to ask that we can live like kings.”

Merten

“Is not our Djinn a being of wonder? I love him with all my heart! He is my king, and I shall treat him like the king he is and serve him in any capacity that he wishes. I do hope that he would wish for me to serve him in every capacity!”

“What do I desire from our Djinn? I wish that he would take us to a new land and stay with us as our benevolent ruler. I would do whatever he asked. I would tend crops and hunt for food. I would harvest the crops and I would prepare the food. I only wish to be with you, my brothers, to live in peace, make magic, and make love to all the fellows who seek a man with whom to celebrate the joys of manhood.”

“Let us make a new and happy world with our Djinn. This is my wish.”

Ralph

“Sebaste, my brother, is this not a perfect day? Our Djinn is a perfect being. We are not his masters, we are his servants, and we must thank him kindly for his kindness to us.”

“I will always remember that on this day, there was a wild storm outside, but when our Djinn appeared, the sun came through the clouds. It is a fine omen!”

“I do not ask for much. Whatever the lot of us agrees upon to request of our Djinn, that is what I shall agree to as well.”

Immanuel

“Hello, Sebaste, my good fellow. Here you are, working hard as always. You are missing the sumptuous feast provided for our pleasure by our wonderful new friend. I will be saddened when the moment comes to give our last wish, for I would like our Djinn to remain with us as a brother. He is a kindly and amusing companion. He told a wonderful story which made me laugh as I have never laughed.”

“My only wish is that our Djinn would spirit us away to a land where we could have a small farm and practice our magic arts. Like the rest of you, I would like the freedom to enjoy a jolly time with a fellow or two, but I wish no slaves. I pay for the help I receive, and well I would pay, if only I had the opportunity to gather a bit of wealth.”

Warin

“Well, well, well, Sebaste! Scribbling away, as always. I know neither how to read nor write, and I suppose t ‘is a fool that I am, for I cannot seem to learn. Ah, no matter. I would wish for our Djinn to teach me, but I am aware that my wish needs to be one that benefits us all. Our little army of blasphemers, you might say.”

“Wizards—users of magic who enjoy the pleasures of another fellow’s company. Do you suppose that being a wizard makes one a fellow who likes other fellows? Ing thinks me a fool for pondering such matters. I am a curious chap, however, and it pleases me to grow my knowledge so that I may be less of a simpleton. On this blessed day, I have encountered a magnificent and wise holy creature who seems not to mind replying to my multitude of questions. For the first time in my life, I feel as if the heavens have smiled upon me.”

Norman

“Cheers to you, Sebaste! Have you tried this spiced wine? It tastes like sunshine! I suppose that I must temper myself, else I wind up sleeping with the wolves so as not to disturb the rest of you with my vomiting. The one thing that I hate about drinking wine is the pounding headache that I wake to the following morn. Do you think that we might ask our friendly Djinn to make us able to drink wine without suffering the next day?”

“I suppose that the best thing to ask of our Djinn is that he takes us far from this terrible place with its terrible king. I should not mind living in the desert with our Djinn and tending to his crops or cleaning his home. To live free, this is all I ask. I wish not to fear loss of life if I am found kissing a fellow who wishes my kisses. The lads we pay to come and play with us often approach me asking if they can come and play our games again. I daresay, wherever our Djinn takes us, there must be an ample supply of chaps who enjoy a good time with the boys. I imagine that you agree.”

Zell

“Sebaste, I have given this matter much thought. You must try this wine, Brother! Now, where was I? Ah, yes! As a wizard, and a rather good one at that, I noted that at the moment our Djinn arrived, the clouds parted, and the sun came through the window in all its glory. I said to myself: ‘the Heavens are telling me that we ought to live in a place where the sun shines!’”

“I am not speaking strictly of the literal sunshine. All of us agree that we should have this wondrous Djinn spirit us away from this wretched place. But not only should there be plentiful sun to grow our crops, but it must also be a place where the light can shine into our lives.”

“Do you take my meaning, Brother? We should not have to fear having our manhood or our heads removed for our enjoyment of dancing with other fellows. If a fellow should agree to dance to my bed with me, why should I have to fear for my life? We should ask our Djinn to grant us the blessing of freedom, first and foremost. All else will follow, for we are a resourceful lot.”

Xaver

“Sebaste, my boy! I cannot decide if this wine is like sunshine or like moonlight. I enjoy dancing ‘neath both sunlight and moonlight. My friend, our magic finally worked! We have been trying for so long, and I was close to giving up. I told myself when we chanted over that lamp: ‘if this does not work, I am going to walk to the river and jump in.’”

“Do you know how tired I am, not only of starving but of living in fear? And who have I harmed? We treat our special helpers jolly well! What food and drink we have we share with them, and we pay them what coin we can. I tailor clothes for them when I have the cloth. The only thing I wish is that our Djinn would spirit us away from this dreadful place to one where we may dwell in peace and harmony. I want to live, but I cannot keep living as we do here.”

Barnabas

“Ah, Sebaste, as always, you are serious and dutiful. I appreciate this about you, my brother. We should hire a helpful secretary for you, and he should be devoted and ever so handsome, I think.”

“I have never been so happy in my life as I am today. I have been kicked like a dog, spit on, threatened with punishments most foul. I like living in the wood, but I do not enjoy being a fugitive. Would it be the worst thing if our Djinn were to take us to a wild wood where we could be kings and our subjects would love us dearly? I would have fun games with the children, playing at building things or seeking fairies in the wood, and I would keep them safe. A child ought to be safe and happy, above all things.”

“I would dance with the ladies, and, as many ladies enjoy cooking or sewing, we would cook and sew together. But if a lady preferred to go on a hunt, I would go on a hunt with her, and we would be as brother and sister. I would not tell her that she must behave more like a lady. Such words are folly. She is already a lady.”

“As for the fellows, some would simply be my brothers. But for those who enjoy a fond embrace with a fine fellow, I would welcome them to our chambers where only grown men may enter. A child should never experience such things, dear Sebaste. I was shown such things at too tender an age, and what was done haunts me to this day.”

“Now, my brother, hand me the pen and I will have you speak your peace. I am ever grateful for the day when you taught me to write. Tell me, what is your wish?”

Sebaste

“My wish is simple, my brother, for I am a simple man. I wish for us to dwell in peace, whenever and wherever we can. I wish for us to have the tools to make our way wherever we are. I wish for us to be allowed to dance with and love whom we wish ‘neath the sun and moon and stars.”