Internal Struggles

INTERNAL STRUGGLES

The report from Judge Harlin’s gavel knocking on his oak bench pricked the ear drums of Samuel Trudeau despite his sweaty, cupped ear muffs. That atrocious six letter word -GUILTY- dragged Samuel’s heart down like a thousand pound anchor with a two foot rope from a rowboat at sea. Samuel’s life as he knew it was over, his wife and daughter would be left to survive on their own while he spent the next twenty-three years behind bars. No more hugs or kisses, family dinners, family vacations, dance recitals, bike rides, or bedtime stories. 

Samuel’s wife Jill and their eight year-old daughter Zara were in the courtroom that day and their reactions to Sam’s verdict were starkly contrasted. Little Zara, in her violet sweater dress along with the gold locket her dad had given her for her seventh birthday sat with her head lowered, tears streaming down her cheeks as she squeezed her mother’s hand. She did not fully understand the consequences of what the man in the black robe had just announced to the crowded courtroom. She did know that her daddy was going away for a long time. Her mother had prepared her for this day. Jill sat holding Zara’s hand dressed in a navy blue pencil skirt and a yellow blouse, she wore the diamond solitaire pendant necklace Sam had given her on their ten year wedding anniversary. She had come to court from work after picking up Zara early from school. “Mama? The man in the robe said guilty just like you said” Zara exclaimed between sobs. “Where are they taking daddy now?” Zara asked as two intimidating bailiffs walked Samuel out of the courtroom, each with a hand on opposite shoulders. Zara thought they looked like the football players she saw on television when she watched games on Sunday with her dad, only these guys were wearing uniforms that looked like a police officer’s. As the two bailiffs passed the row where Jill and Zara sat Jill couldn’t bring herself to look at Sam, she stared down at her black pumps, her head wagging in disgust. Zara stood as she saw her daddy walk by, she tried to exit the row to hug him but the bulking escorts pushed past too quickly. Zara sat back down next to her mom, now sobbing more than ever. As her daddy passed, he managed to blurt out through tears, “I’m so sorry Peanut, daddy loves you.” Zara was known in the immediate Trudeau family as “Peanut” ever since she was born. Zara was delivered four weeks early and weighed only five and a half pounds, Sam had coined the nickname that day in the hospital and it stuck. 

On the opposite side of the courtroom tears also trickled down but these tears were of relief and bitter joy, tears of justice ultimately served. For the people that were seated on that side all believed beyond a doubt that Samuel Trudeau killed Anna Carlisle and then disposed of her body in Wellington Lake. Anna’s father, Ted Carlisle had his arm around his wife Lois and when the verdict was announced he pulled her body against his and kissed her ear. They both wiped tears from their eyes with the tissues given to them by one of the attorneys.  

Every parents’ worst nightmare, the thing that only happens to other people came true for them. The Carlisle's only daughter Anna was gone forever. She was the same age as Samuel Trudeau’s daughter Zara, in fact, they were very close friends. The family’s were also friends and often went to each other’s houses for backyard barbeques, play dates, and sleepovers, at least in the beginning. Zara and Anna were on the same soccer team since they were four years old and they danced at the same studio, they did gymnastics at the same recreation center in town. They were also in the same class in Kindergarten and first grade. Samuel and Jill always got along well with Ted and Lois too. On several occasions they shared a babysitter for the kids and went out to dinner and drinks or out to see a play. 

This is what made the horrendous events that transpired that much more excruciating for everyone. The inexplicable betrayal, devastation, trust, and friendship shattered in a flash. Sometimes, however, people hide their true feelings to protect friends and doing so is innocent enough and not uncommon. Honest feelings and even suspicions about someone you are close to and trust are the most difficult and awkward to confront.  Most people hope they never, ever have to vocalize these suspicions because of the irreversible damage they will cause to the relationship. Even though you may be convinced, you trick yourself into believing it cannot be true. It’s a form of brainwashing yourself and known as mental rehearsal, it gives one the feeling that their brains and their hearts are at odds. 

This was the case for both Jill Trudeau and Lois Carlisle. Jill had deep rooted feelings of contempt about her husband’s relationship with Anna Carlisle, the young victim whose life was viciously truncated at age eight. But she could not bring herself to confront him about it. It was terrifying and remarkably embarrassing for Jill. It kept her up at night and made the regular social gatherings with the Carlisle family mental torture. “Could he?” Jill would ponder to herself along with, “Would he?” and she always ultimately concluded, “No. I must be going crazy. Sam is a good man.” She didn’t know and could not tell if Ted or Lois shared the same sentiments and would never dare to even mention the subject to them.  But Jill had suspicions about that too, she had noticed more than one eye roll, head shake, and nudge of Ted’s arm by Lois. It was a dreadful unspoken bond the two had and neither of them would speak of it. Lois mirrored Jill’s wariness. Ted was made uncomfortable as well but he was not the type that dealt well with his feelings and would shut down and change the subject whenever Lois even began to explore the possibility.  Ted liked Sam and they would often go fishing and hunting together. They both appeared to Jill as oblivious to Sam and Anna’s odd interactions as Sam was, which only added to Jill’s feelings of alienation.  But only in a latent paranoia confined to Jill’s own conscience. What bothered her about their interactions was hard to pinpoint, it wasn’t abusive, not exactly sexual, it was just an inappropriate strangeness that pervaded the way he talked and acted around Anna.

 Every night since Sam was convicted Jill would lay awake and alone in bed and wonder if her own husband whom she loved could have sordid intentions with Anna Carlisle. She knew deep down that Sam was hiding something and he was no longer the person she married. She asked herself, “But murder?” “Really?” Jill grappled with conflicting feelings of either protecting her husband and family or seeing that justice was served for the terrible fate of that poor little girl. Of course, Sam had pleaded his innocence since day one when he gave his statement to the investigators.

Unfortunately for Samuel Trudeau, he was his own worst enemy. Although never diagnosed by a specialist, Sam had something in his personality that was described by others as “off”. He was physically and mentally incapable of opening up and discussing his feelings and emotions in any way, with anyone. Sam hated it but he had always been this way, ever since he could remember. When Sam was twelve years old his mother caught him in the backyard shooting at squirrels with his BB gun, she was appalled. “Samuel how long have you been doing this?” his mother asked. Tears started to fall from Sam’s eyes through his unbreakable stare at the ground. He threw his gun down and ran into the house screaming uncontrollably. His mother, being unsure how to handle the situation, glanced behind the tool shed and to her abhorrence she saw six dead squirrels and three birds in a pile. Sam was grounded for two weeks and lost his BB gun for two months. His mother was terrified but his father justified his actions and said, “Boys will be boys. I go deer hunting, what’s the difference?” But this was very different and these actions and his reaction to being caught provided a glimpse into Sam’s psyche. After giving him some time to calm down his mother privately asked, “Sam, why would you do that to those poor animals?” To which Sam replied after a very long silence, “I don’t know! Leave me alone!” He always got irrationally angry when confronted with uncomfortable things. As Sam grew up he got better at hiding his true feelings and avoiding uncomfortable situations as much as he possibly could. Sam was not violent again, not for moral reasons particularly but because the mere thought of being caught and having to deal with the consequences, the embarrassment, the awkwardness was enough to deter him. 

Sam had always been a shy person and his inability to express himself truly held him back. At work, at home, and generally in life.  Sam got embarrassed easily and despised being the center of attention in any form. He hated his condition more than anything else in the world. Even when he tried to work through it in his own mind he would get upset and shut it down. Over time, this became “just the way Sam is” and it came to define his personality. Shy, introverted, quiet, and moody.  Jill would describe him as someone that “lives entirely inside his own head.” Jill believed Sam was a good person and a good father and she learned to adjust her life around his mental quirks and intricacies. Jill’s perspective on Sam however, changed dramatically when Anna Carlisle and her family moved into the neighborhood. 

Now, as Sam sat in a dank prison cell devoid of color and offering almost no comforts, his mental condition proved detrimental. It caused his life to take a nightmarish turn from which he could never return. Sure he was with Anna the day she was murdered, so was Zara and Anna’s father Ted. They had gone camping together over the weekend, a daddy-daughter trip. It was when they were all hiking together in the woods that everybody’s life changed forever.  A large adult mountain lion approached them on the trail and became very aggressive. Anna Carlisle panicked and ran, Ted’s screams startled the lion and it lunged at him, delivering a painful bite to his right arm. High adrenaline and pure fear made the next moments convoluted when retold afterwards. Somehow, the four of them got split up, all of them running for their lives. In Ted’s statement of what happened he swore he saw Sam catch up with Anna down the hill, and that he scooped her up and continued running. Sam vehemently denies it and claims he was trying to make his way back to make sure Zara was safe but was chased by the lion and never saw Anna. The truth may never be known but the fact is that Anna Carlisle and Samuel Trudeau both disappeared that day. Ted wound up finding Zara alone, crouched and crying behind a large rock. They hiked out together, both wondering what happened to Sam and Anna. Ted had tried to find his daughter, calling and searching as if possessed but he was bleeding badly and felt very weak from his injury. He needed medical attention immediately. Sam walked out of the woods dirty, bloody, and dazed two hours later. Anna Carlisle never came out of the woods and her body was found half submerged among the reeds the next morning by a fisherman on the far side of the lake. 

It was Sam’s inability to explain what happened to the authorities and to process what had happened and what was going to happen to him that brought his fate. He didn’t realize that he gave the investigators no choice. He was devastated and extremely hurt and angry that the Carlisle’s accused him of Anna’s murder. But the thing that really put Sam into a psychological cocoon was that he could tell his wife Jill thought he did it too. She never supported him or made him feel at ease and it was painfully obvious that she was skeptical when she heard Sam’s side of the story. Sam could tell she didn’t believe him, nobody did.  Sam could not deal with the betrayal of faith from someone he loved and friends he cared about. “How could she possibly think I did this?” Sam asked himself. His anger and resentment grew daily. His life already consisted of daily struggles with his thoughts and emotions and then this. Sam was absolutely crushed and his life as he knew it was over. If he could only bring himself to explain in detail what happened. When he tried, his train of thought would get derailed by his emotions, his embarrassment, his extraordinary anger and pain. 

Sam grew extremely depressed over time and gave up on himself. He convinced himself that this was just how his life was supposed to end up, that this was all part of some demented plan beyond his influence. The truth about the events of that day by the lake and what really happened to Anna is locked away deep inside a sick man’s brain. The true killer may never be found and the fact remains that Sam is an innocent man. Anna Carlisle was tragically murdered with so much life left ahead of her. The Carlisle’s had lost their little girl and only child, the light of their lives was extinguished. Jill Trudeau lost her husband, Zara lost her Daddy, and unbeknown to everyone except Samuel Trudeau an innocent man lost his freedom.