Lots of thoughts in a brief amount of time

That moment. Silence and darkness. Maybe even a bit of unsureness. That moment. Just long enough for you to keep your breath in, to feel the ending. To come back to reality. The harsh reality. It rather seeps in than you letting it back. It slowly, thought by thought reminds you of what is waiting for you outside. What will come when the lights turn on. What will come when you have to stand up and let your mind race, just to keep up with all the emotions and to-do lists you piled. Oh and then the guilt! The guilt that can only come after the event has happened, so there would be no way of avoiding it, no way of not feeling it. Guilt, regret, and shame all come to camp down and stay with you for a few days, that may stretch to weeks, like those relatives who just need to start fresh and three years later your still waiting for them to start, only to realise that their “fresh start” was coming to live with you.

While you let (as if you had a choice) these emotions bubble up and settle down, anchoring themselves deep inside, holding on for dear life, you look around. See what other people are up to, do they feel the same things you do? Or are they still in the haze of the movie that just went down? You can make out a few faces, but not the expressions, the only one you could make out, you’re too scared to look at. The girl next to you, the one you brought, the one you recommended this movie to, is right beside you. You start wondering or rather worrying about what she thinks, what’s in her head? Did she like it? You were too engrossed in the movie to actually check in with her, or at least glance her way to make sure she’s not asleep. She doesn’t look sleepy now. To be fair the first few minutes after sitting down you could barely breathe, you felt all your muscles contract and had to will yourself to take breaths so you wouldn’t pass out, yet they always seemed to be so loud, maybe because you took them so rarely you had to gasp just to get enough air in. Thankfully you managed to get your breathing in order, right until she touched your knee, and looked at you, you had to look back and keep her gaze, it was the social etiquette, which has never been this hard, and you failed at it quickly. You looked in her eyes then at the wall behind her, cause that’s almost the same thing and then at your hands, repeating the cycle a few times before she laughed and looked away. She knew she could make you flustered with just a glance and used this torture device way too often in your opinion, but at least this way you get to see her eyes without being creepy, even if it was only for a few seconds at a time.

Her hands did not move much throughout the movie, you were immensely aware of the fact. Yet after the long ads and trailers you got used to it, your muscles relaxed and the hyperawareness ebbed a little. She removed it a few times to do something you didn't care to investigate, didn’t even notice until she put them back on your legs. You felt your muscles contract where her fingers touched your legs, suddenly unable to move, scared you'll accidentally disturb her hands and give her a reason to take them away. Fortunately, the movie was enthralling and soon you were in the haze again, just moving with the plot, feeling like you're part of that world. Even if the risks were higher, it seemed like a better option than what you were handed, but doesn’t everyone feel that way, that you always have it the worst. You made it a reflex by now to recognise this ignorance and remind yourself of the many, many privileges you were also handed. In spite of all these privileges, all these advantages you still managed to feel like you are the lowest of the low, that you have no worth. Maybe it’s due to the privileges that you feel it, feel as if you don’t deserve them, you don’t use them to your advantage, aren’t grateful enough. Enough. The word that somehow became your descriptor, the word that was in all the sentences you used when talking about yourself. Your train of thought is lost when she leans in to whisper something in your ears. Her breath tickles your neck and you can’t help but flinch away a bit, rubbing your neck.

“Sorry. It tickled.” She smiles but doesn’t say anything. You screwed up. Again.

The lights turn on, but you stay still, she said she likes watching the credits and reading all the names. She told you she started doing this after having helped in some small film production and had her name in the credits, yet no one stuck around to see it. It made her feel useless and unnecessary, so nowadays she makes sure she reads as many people’s names as she can, to be grateful to them and at least in her mind make sure they are seen. You held yourself back from telling her how idiotic that sounds because after some thought it was kind of a sweet gesture even if no one other than her is aware of her gratitude and acknowledgement. That was the first moment you knew you wanted to spend more time with this girl. She may be just what you need, someone who makes you feel enough. Someone who makes you feel seen, without ripping off your invisibility cloak. She merely lifts it and peaks in, bringing you face-to-face but keeping you safe in your bubble.

I stare at her as her eyes dart back and forth speed reading as only the best of the best can. She furrows her brow in concentration. Then suddenly, she turns towards you. You hate getting caught like this, it makes you feel like a deer in the headlights, you look somewhere else, but she takes hold of your chin and turns your head back towards her, forcing you to look into those mesmerizing eyes.