Thinking About Christina

1/01/24

They say talking positively to your water would have uplifting results on your mood. It only made me lift my finger up as I managed to find Christina yesterday and had my very last puff of Ice at eleven fifty-eight. Therefore I kept my promise to stop using substances, as a new resolution this year. Today, I've kept thinking about how life will be fun without drugs. I'm bored, the food is subpar, and it reflects on my bitter self now. Curse my life. I wish I had never started it, yet I miss it already. Time is crawling. I want and need to get better. But who am when I am not high? I can't really remember. Weeks feel like seconds, as for now seconds seem to have become months. 

2/01/24

I couldn't sleep. I don't want to drink or eat. Can't be bothered to do anything. I want to smoke so bad. My body is itchy. Nothing is tasty. I'm trying to find crystals that might have been stuck on my hair or clothes, but I don't have a pipe, so it's pointless. The professionals told me I will have to change my friend circle. Apparently, the environment is more toxic than the drugs. Friends should be illegal then? Jerk. 

3/01/24

I am SO frustrated to have to stay in a damn room just to write this dumb journal. Screw you! Screw my life! I should not speak like that… Sorry. I sincerely hope that the professional who reads this and who's helped so many other addicts, that you've been as fucked up by your fucked-up mother more than I have. Sincerely. :)

4/01/24

I've slept for the first time in days now. The bed is not the most comfortable, but they allowed me to listen to music. And I get to sing as loud as I want to. It feels good to express something so loudly. However, they had to make sure the lyrics are not about anything close to drugs or addiction or suicidal thoughts. I sang the whole La La Land album. My god Felt like I was that someone in the crowd. A junky crowd. When I thought of that, it made me laugh. La La Gang. 

7/01/24

For the first time in years, I've dreamt. I was in a church in ruins, and I stepped on a wonky rock and fell. I was somehow pinned down but a little man outside helped me by digging and de-rocking me. It was so beautiful outside. He told me this was the right path. I wonder what he was talking about.

10/01/24

When I'm bored, I think of meth. When I think of my future boyfriend, I think of him as a dealer. When I don't, I think of my toxic ex. When I think of my next salary, I wonder how much higher I will get instead of investing properly in something that could result in a fruitful future. I think I'm stuck in a loop. I don't miss the drugs, but without them, I feel like I'm losing touch with who I am. I'm not sure I know what I fear, what I love, what I dream, or aspire to be. I guess, I never really thought of my future and my self with so much ambition. 

15/01/24

They said it's not the drugs that make a drug addict but it was the need to escape reality. I've never wanted to escape my reality. I fell in love, and he offered, and because he was older, I didn't want to seem weak. He created a new reality. He was in it though. Maybe I want to escape him?

16/01/24

I haven't slept at all because I kept thinking of him. I hate him with all my heart, but I still love him to bits. My stomach turns upside down, torn as to how to feel. Fire burning on the ocean. Water boiling pressuring my anger to be released by actions or words that would be directed to a wall, taking blame for a man whose recollections of me are most likely gone. He fucked me and my life on the way too. The worse part is knowing that if he'd come back, I'd follow him again. 

19/01/24

They told me today I wasn't physically addicted to meth, which is nice. It's simply a matter of changing my lifestyle for meth to not be in it. Apart from the comedown earlier this month, I haven't really craved for it. I think I can do this. I can be better. Change phone number to lose all my previous contacts. Throw everything I had hidden for my comeback. Go back with my parents if they agree. Finish my studies. I can't believe I'm actually excited for this.

20/01/24

I had a horrible nightmare. I was in my room, in this rehab. And as I was walking towards the kitchen to get myself a cup of water, I felt possessed. It was like someone trying to get my soul out of my body, slowly yet harshly being depraved of the ability to touch and hear; they all become one a this whirlwind of senses that felt absolutely horrible. Weird…

23/01/24

It's like I'm rediscovering myself. What I like. What's fun. It's like I'm tasting what life is for the second time. How important people are. I'm much more engaging. The professionals told me that Meth had long-lasting effects on how we perceive emotion but they can eventually come back. It was like being stuck in a world where everything was numb and confrontational. Like no one cared because I did not let anybody to, as they would have ended up disappointed. I feel I'm ready to have real friends. Go out in cafés, and start reading or even writing again. I could share my story and help people who are still able to be helped. Those who want to hear and keep the information in case they start seeing their world slowly transitioning into a grey, emotionless but addictive carousel. I can make a difference.

27/01/24

I'm so scared to leave this place. What if I go back to my old self? I know now I don't need it. I'm not even sure I want it anymore. But what if? I did so well. I would love to stay here and be pressured to stay healthy, but eventually, I'll go mad. And it would probably be far from healthy or have me engaging addictive tendencies again. What can I do? I won't have anybody to support me except addicts, ex-addicts probably secretly using, or addict support. I hope my parents will give a second shot.

28/01/24

Only a few days left, and I'm free. I'm not even thinking about drugs any longer, just about the food I will be eating non-stop because the canteen here would have Gordon Ramsay have a heart attack. It's vile. But it's healthy, and I am actually gaining weight, enough vitamins and properties my body had lost touch with. A lot of people left or gave up. They can't really keep the adults here once they come down. I made my decision even though I didn't really have a choice, did I? But I'm glad it went this way. Look at me now! I'm sparkling.

31/01/24

Last day. I feel emotional and scared. I feel this pit in my stomach that is really misleading. I don't know what it is supposed to be make me feel. What is going to happen next is my come back next week to write my final report and then two months after that. A new life, a new me. I'm thinking about moving out to a very small town. Maybe this would help. It's so exciting to go out being fully me again. Widely aware and awake, away from this mad world of fucked up wonders with way to many people whining often wasted. See you soon. X

7/02/24

Patient Missed Appointment 

31/03/34

Second Missed Appointment / Archive File