The screams of a desperate housewife

I couldn’t pull my face up to see my reflection in the mirror. I was not ready to face her, not this time. She will ask me so many questions that I have no answers for. She will taunt me to decide. A decision that can change my life, for better or for worse.

My urge to empty my guts out was so strong. It was strange though, I hadn’t eaten for days now and yet my stomach was refusing to keep anything inside. “Let it out”, screamed the voice inside me, “You’ve had enough, now let it out!” 

No! I won’t! Because I know there is no point in letting it out. What was I supposed to do after that? Nothing ever changes, he won’t change. He won’t change for me, for his family, or for his kids. 

Family…..Kids….Love….Betrayal…Pain. 

These words kept circling my head, spinning my world around and around. I was getting dizzy, nauseous and I held my body refusing to let it get me.

STOP! STOP IT! NOT NOW! NO! 

Images of him popped up straight into my vision and my head disobeyed my order and looked up at the mirror. That is when I saw the ghost!

The ghost of my past stood there, evaluating the mess I had become. I was expecting her to mock me, but she just stood there choking up on her own tears. “What has happened to you? ” her words bought a smile to my face and tears ran down as fast as they could.

I thought the storm was over, I thought he had changed. He was more attentive, more loving, and more involved in this relationship than before. I thought he left his past behind him. I had tortured myself over and over again to start trusting him. Now, I have no pillar to lean on. I have to leave, right? 

Doesn’t he know that I hurt when I can see beyond his lies? Doesn’t he know I can smell her perfume on him? Doesn’t he know that it feels like I am dying every single time I get to know his “achievements”?

No, he doesn’t know. Because he thinks I am a fool. He thinks I am a moron who will never be able to find out anything that he does. He thinks I am naive enough to believe his lies. And the minute I confront him, he thinks he can distract me and I will get over it.

So, even though I am the one who is bleeding internally, he gets what he wants. A wife to take care of him, his house, his name, and his kids. And he can also get whatever he wants from any leftovers he finds outside. Then, what about me? 

All I ever asked for was commitment and loyalty. Looks like that was too much to ask for. Looks like that was too much to expect from a guy like him. And yet I fell in love with him. What a stupid thing to do? What a horrible way to learn a lesson? My body started shivering with each thought, my tears ran uncontrollably to meet their doom. 

I was jealous of them, those tears, they had an end. They can disappear, they can vanish without a trace. How I wish I could do the same. The girl in the mirror agreed with me. She wiped her tears and rubbed her face furiously. And looked at me straight in the eye and said, “Leave him! He is not worth your sacrifice. He is not worth your pains. Leave him.” 

This made me laugh. “And go where? Find someone else? What if he turns out to be the same? He cheats on me, but never has he been physically abusive. He has always treated me with respect. I worked so hard to build my life around him and now I should just throw everything and walk away?” I asked her with every bit of patience in me running out. 

She just shook her head and said, “You are being a fool…” We were interrupted by my vibrating phone. It was him. I picked up the call even though the girl in the mirror disapproved. 

“Hey, hon! I’ll be there in ten minutes. Are you ready?”

How did he sound so cool knowing he probably just murdered my trust? Does he even care?

"Yep! I am ready. I’ll meet you in ten minutes. Bye!”

I threw my phone down as rage filled me. I will show you who I am. I will show you what I know. I will show you the messages you thought I could never get hold of. I will show you what I am capable of, you sick heartless monster. 

And I furiously washed my face, pinned my hair, and made sure I didn’t look like I had been crying my eyes out for the last few hours. Right when I was finished, there was a knock on my door. I let out a big sigh and opened the restroom door to face that box of lies. 

It wasn’t him, but it was a part of him. A part of him that I had grown to love. Those innocent eyes, that brightly lit face, those smiling pink lips… were all the painkillers I needed to survive. “Mommy, are you alright? Is your tummy still paining?” said my little man. He had a striking resemblance to his father, yet he was mine. 

I bent down and hugged him tightly. I can leave my lying, conniving husband now, but my son will lose a father, a family. Do I want that? Do I want to trade his sweet smile for my freedom? Can I lead my life with peace when my son will ask me why I left his father? How long will it take before I can tell him everything? How long will I have to lie to him? 

Not now! I said to myself. My son broke the hug and asked me, “Mom, you won’t leave me, right?” I was shocked, what did he mean? “Why do you ask that, sweetheart?” 

“Well, I just heard Judy say you might go out and I will have to stay with her for tonight. But, I wanna be with you mommy!”, said my adorable four-year-old, twisting his fingers wondering if he was in any trouble by revealing his mind. 

Judy was our lovely babysitter and she must've arrived a little early to make things comfortable for me. It was a strange feeling to find comfort in the arrival of a stranger. As if she was all I had in the entire world. I had thought being an orphan was the most painful experience, but looks like belonging to someone who doesn't belong to you has opened another portal for pain and loneliness.

I cut my thoughts short and looked back at those brown eyes. My smile widened and a weak laugh escaped my lips. “Honey, I am not going anywhere without you. I have no reason to stay in a place where you aren’t there, my love.” 

His eyes sparkled with happiness and he hugged me tightly. My heart broke into a million pieces with happiness. A few minutes ago I was desperate for peace, I was desperate for happiness. I was desperate for justice. Now it all seemed unnecessary. I know this feeling was as temporary as the lifeline of a butterfly. But I couldn’t resist this reward that I get for my patience.

For this, I will stay. For this hug, for this love, I will bite my lip and mute the screams of a desperate housewife.