Just Friends

March 6, 2005

Conor,

I miss you. When are you coming home again? Life is not nearly as fun without you by my side.

Your Best Friend Forever,

Macie

March 7, 2005

Mace, 

You know I am coming home after the semester. I will be there this summer. To hang out. For real. Just a couple more months. I’m sure you are doing just fine without me. How are classes? 

Your Best Friend Forever,

Conor

March 21, 2005

Conor, 

So sorry it has been so long. School got crazy. First midterms, then spring break. I may have drank too much. Danced too hard. But I did miss you. I do miss you. May seems too far away.

Oh shit, I almost forgot - do you believe in love at first sight? I met Kyle at a beach at 1 am. Our eyes locked and I just knew. I think he is the one. I cannot wait for you to meet him!

Your Best Friend Forever,

Macie

March 29, 2005

Mace,

I hope you are right this time. Kyle on the beach - sounds too good to be true. Just be safe. Also, if at some point he is a jerk, kick him to the curb. Do not stay too long this time. You should always be treated like a queen. Remember that.

I don’t know how to tell you this…I got a summer internship. Here in New York. It’s a great opportunity. It will get my foot in the door. I cannot pass it up. But, I also start immediately when classes end. I can’t come home for the summer. Hopefully, I will make it back around Christmas.

I do miss you Macie. I hope life is being kind to you.

Your Best Friend Forever,

Conor

April 25, 2005

Conor,

I am so sorry. It has been forever. I wish I could say life has been so crazy and good, but that would be a lie. I am so mad at you. I can’t believe you are staying in New York. I was banking on you and me this summer. I know that's so selfish. I know I’m being an ass. I know you are going to kill it out there and this is your life and career and all of that. And yet, I am so mad at you. Kyle broke up with me. Said I was too distant, didn’t treat him well. I don’t even know what that shit means. Am I distant? Am I cold? 

I wish you were here to bring me ice cream. You would cuddle me on the couch and rub my back. Tell me all the reasons Kyle was never going to be “the one.” I tried to do it for myself, but it just wasn’t the same. And in the end, all I wrote down was that I wasn’t his “one.” Because am I anyone? Will I find true love? Am I capable of being loved?

Please write back to me, I miss you.

Your Best Friend Forever (even when I am mad),

Macie

April 26, 2005

Conor, 

Thank you for the ice cream delivery and the teddy bear! It was just what I needed.

Macie

May 5, 2005

Macie, 

Exams are this week. Fingers crossed I do well. It is going to get crazy here for a while with the internship. I also met someone. Her name is Sarah. She’s cool. I think you would like her. She seems perfect, at least on paper.

I miss you. 

Your BFF

Conor

May 25, 2005

Conor, 

Yo! How is life? How is Sarah? Nice name. I hope she knows how great you are. And that she treats you well. Never take anything less than perfect for real, not just on paper. Maybe I can meet her soon. I will bring Kyle. Yes, that Kyle. We got back together. I guess maybe being distant is suddenly appealing to him. He seems good for me. Keeps me centered. Only sometimes, I feel like I gave in. Like I took him back and I should have said no. When I feel that way, I hear your voice in my head. “Is he good enough? Are you being good to yourself?” I don’t know if the answer is yes or no. Hopefully, I figure it out soon. He wants me to meet his parents. Does that seem too soon? Should I stay with him just because he’s nice? I kind of feel like that might be my only reason. I wish you were here. You would know what I should do. I miss you.

BFF

Macie

July 5, 2005

Macie,

It has been so long. I got wrapped up in this internship. I feel trapped. It might be too much. I sort of wish I had turned it down and come home to South Carolina for the summer. To you. To long nights watching stupid television. And you. Stupid I know. 

How is Kyle? I wanted to write to you sooner - maybe tell you to leave. If you have doubts, it is time to let it go. Or something. Love should feel right. If not all of the time, at least MOST of the time. If it’s right. I mean I think. Macie, what the hell do I know? I’m alone. Single. So maybe don’t take advice from me, I’m just a dipshit. Do what you want. Just remember, you are the best person on this planet. And if Kyle treats you less than that, then you should go. You deserve only the best. For life. For real. Forever.

BFF

Conor

PS If anything seems off in this email, I apologize. I may have been drunk when I wrote it. Its been lonely here. Love you.

July 30, 2005

Conor,

I love that drunk Conor emails are full of kindness. Your email was so sweet. And I took your advice - I broke up with Kyle. It just didn’t feel right. And it was the best decision because the next day I met John! And he’s the best. Like THE BEST! So sweet. He buys me flowers every other day. And he took me dancing. Oh and he cooked for me. He also is very sexy, in so many ways. Just the best. I think he might be the one. Is it too soon to think that way? Maybe I should wait a bit. It just seems like a fairytale. 

I miss you.

BFF

Macie

August 12, 2005

Macie, 

I might be AWOL online for a while.  Classes are starting soon but the internship also wants to keep me for longer. So I will be in school and working. No social life, but this is it. My chance to make my career stick. I hope John is awesome. I hope he treats you well. If I don’t respond right away, just know I am always thinking of you. I miss you.

BFF 

Conor

August 30, 2005

Conor,

John asked me to be his girlfriend. I was so happy, but also a little nervous. I like him. I do. It’s just something that feels off when we are together. Like I think he might be too perfect. He says only the right things. He does only the right things. It is like he is reading a playbook on how to be the perfect boyfriend. And then sometimes, when he compliments me, it sounds condescending. “Macie, I love the way your hair looks today. You should wear it like this more than the other way.” Like what is wrong with my usual way? A half hearted compliment. 

Yet, even with the hesitation, I said yes. Because I hate being alone. 

And I miss you.

BFF 

Macie

September 1, 2005

Macie,

Please don’t settle for anything less than extraordinary. You deserve the world. And if he's not the world, then use your voice. And leave.

BFF

Conor

September 27, 2005

Macie,

Happy Birthday to my favorite person on the planet. I hope you have a great day and celebrate YOU. You deserve the best. You are the best. Don’t forget that. I wish I was with you tonight. I will have a drink in your honor. I miss you. I love you.

BFF, Conor

September 27, 2005

Conor,

I miss you. I miss your face. And your smile. And your hugs. I miss falling asleep watching shows with you. I miss hearing your voice on the phone. I miss walking down the street and knowing you live right there. I miss everything.

Love,

Macie

PS If anything is unusual, know that I AM drunk. I may have had ALOT to drink tonight. But it’s my 21st birthday and John cheated on me. With the bartender. And she may have shown me a picture of it. ON MY BIRTHDAY (in the bar bathroom, gross, right?) And maybe I wished on my candles. For you. To be home. With me. Again.

So yeah, if this is unusual, just ignore it. I had too much to drink. I will be good tomorrow. After I sleep it off. Until then…love you.

September 28, 2005

Conor,

I am so hungover. I can’t believe you weren’t here for my big day. John apologized for his bad behavior at my party. I don’t know what to do. I hate being alone. I hate being lonely. I don’t do it well. I let him kiss me. I let him hold me. I hate myself for it. Why can’t you be here? Why can’t you be my person? I feel like you always were. Always have been. That you were supposed to be it for me. I just didn’t notice. Until you were gone. And now you’re gone.

Love,

Macie

September 29, 2005

Conor, 

I am so sorry for how I have been acting. My words to you have been so silly. Just ignore them. I don’t want you to feel guilty. Or embarrassed. I know you are my best friend. Nothing more. My loneliness is not your concern. Please just respond to me. I feel like I have ruined our friendship. I know you are my friend, ONLY friend. I am not going to be weird anymore. Just reply. Hit reply and say we are good. Tell me we are good.

BFF,

Macie

September 29, 2005

Macie,

We are good. Now open the door. So that I can hug you. And tell you that you are awesome. And the best person in the world. And my favorite memories. And my happy place.

Open the door so that I can tell you in person that you are and have always been my person.

Love,

Conor